Does he really not love me anymore?

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Hey everyone,

Since I got into a relationship with an aspie man a year and a half ago I've been reading some of the topics here in hopes of better understanding some of the behaviors of the man I love. I've never posted anything, but I feel in such desperate need of answers right now.

Two days ago, my boyfriend and I broke up, after having the same conflict we have been having for months. He basically told me he was tired of me and didn't love me anymore. He didn't even say it himself, explicitly, but only answered my question "Have you stopped loving me?" with a cold-hearted "Yes". I packed my things, while he kept watching TV, and left. I haven't heard frome him since. I'm fighting every impulse to contact him, but I am so heart-broken and confused about what actually caused our break-up, and how he actually feels about me. Did he really stop loving me? Or did he just say it for some other reason? Does he even miss me and is he thinking about me? I really really miss him, and I still love him.

Here's the backstory (sorry for what I think is going to be a long post): We got together almost a year and a half ago. At that time he was under review for AS. He got his diagnosis last spring, i.e. at an adult age. We moved in together in his tiny apartment, shortly after we got together. Me moving in was mostly on his initiative, even though I still kept my own apartment.

Living together has worked incredibly well, we rarely argued about "little things", chores etc and I quickly realized he needed to spend much time just doing what he likes, which is computer games. We have grown very close, and he has been so sweet, kind and loving towards me. He has trusted me, and confided many of his insecurities in me. He has always been so faithful, and at times he has displayed such devotion, unlike anything I've ever seen from a man before. Overall, we have shared such a deep, trusting, loving relationship and really tied our lives together. The connection we shared has been so wonderful and sincere, I always felt like I could be myself around him and I am convinced he felt the same way.

Sometimes I could feel rejected and slightly sad when he would be busy with his computer and barely acknowledged my presence, but I understood it was due to his AS and I learned to not take it personally. He could also be very romantic and driven at times, taking initiatives to go on trips abroad and doing exciting things together as a couple. His mood could differ very much from time to time. At times he would be upbeat, optimistic and driven. Other times he would become somewhat closed off, focusing almost all of his time and energy in either computer games or watching TV.

One thing he is never able to do is deal with conflict. Whenever I try to talk about something I've found problematic in our relationship, he just shuts down. He won't/can't answer questions or explain his own actions, thoughts or feelings. Whenever he gets the sense that I am unhappy about something, he just gets really cold and defensive and sometimes says things I don't think he really means. Basically, he just answers every question with "I don't know". Sometimes, his crippling fear of conflict even prevented him from owning up to his own actions. He would just deny that he had done whatever he was questioned about, even though there was conclusive evidence for it. Even after I assured him what he had done would not actually be upsetting to me. The denial and refusal to take responsibility was so much more upsetting than the actual action itself.

For the most part, we haven't had any conflicts though. We have gotten along great, rarely fighting about little or big things. The only thing that has ever been a big issue is our sex life. In the beginning, our sex life was great, and we have both had our fair share of sexual partners prior to each other. After my boyfriend got his AS diagnosis, he was prescriped with an atidepressant, which he took for about a month before he decided the side-effects of the medication outweighed the positives (hunger, sleeplessness, feelings of muted emotions). He stopped taking the meds but during the time he did take them, his sex drive dropped drastically, and it never really recovered after he stopped taking them.

Since then, I've been trying to figure out what was causing this sudden lack of sexual interest in me. He assured me it had nothing to do with me, but he never seemed interested in digging any deeper than that. At one point we visited a couples' counscellor, and during our meeting he said he sometimes felt a physical discomfort while being physically close to me. I couldn't quite understand this explanation, because he was always hugging, kissing and holding me etc. It was just when I tried taking it to a "sexual" level he would shut me down. I also noticed that when we went on vacation, just the two of us, without distraction from computers and TV shows, his drive would increase drastically again. It seemed to be very dependent on his mood. He never had any erectile problems though, sex just seemed enitrely dependent on his mindset.

The situation went on for so long without getting better. I've done everything in my power to try and talk to him about his sexual issues. I've pondered whether it could be due to the AS, depression, low testosterone, insecurities, fear of intimacy, lack of exercise and everything in between. During this time he has been masturbating and viewing pornography as a way to satisfy his sexual needs instead. His constant use of other sexual outlets and refusal to cope with the real issue has really hurt my feeling and caused a huge strain on our relationship. I would try to talk to him, to get him to maybe seek help, he would get upset with my demands, and I would get upset because he would not communicate or compromise. It became something of a vicious circle which caused exactly the type of conflicts he can't deal with.

A while ago I asked him to stop the porn use/masturbation, just for a couple of weeks, in order for us to find our way back to each other. He said OK, but I found out he had done it anyway and lied about it to me. When I confronted him with this two days ago, he just said he didn't want to be with me anymore. I asked him if he had stopped loving me and he answered "Yes" and that was it. I didn't se any other option than to leave at that point.

It is just so unreal to me, how a problem that can be solved relatively easily could cause this amazing, loving relationship to end on such horrible terms. The man who denied loving me so coldly, seemingly lacking any emotion, is not the man I know he truly is. Through this whole thing I have always felt that the love was really really there between us. Everything else was so great, except for the sex and his inability to deal with that issue. I am convinced that if I had never confronted him with his lying about the porn/masturbation he would never have said what he said and broken it off. I realize that I was demanding, but only because I thought that eventually it would help us find a way to fix things. I know he has a hard time dealing with expectations, but I still thought that our love would eventually outweigh his instinct to continue life in denial.

Right now I just feel devastation, combined with hope that he will eventually "snap out of it", realize his mistake and that he misses me. I don't know if there is anything more I can do at this point, but the thought of him not loving or missing me right now is so heart-breaking. Did he really mean what he said and is there any chance he will come around?

I have a feeling that some others may tell you something along the lines of "you're better off without him. He's selfish and doesn't deserve you." Well, I plan on not doing that.

I don't think the computer thing was AS at all. That was him being a man wanting his time alone. The length of time he spent needing time alone is more likely to determine AS.
Having a problem brought up on the spot out of nowhere and not knowing how to react is not AS. Refusing responsibility over something is not AS. Not seeming to care about how upset you are is an empathy thing and not directly related to AS (despite what many want to believe).

So of course, everything comes down to Pornography and the fact that he was seemingly incapable of removing this addiction. The porn thing to get needs met is probably an obsessive thing and certainly did affect his mood and sexual function. I'm going to guess that being away on vacation meant that he was capable of sex because of no computers or TV being around.

So the physical discomfort thing he felt when being physical with you... the pornography and the fact that he hid it from you. He was not being honest with you about things he knew would bother you and that is where the problems lie in my opinion. His conscience was at play and he knew right from wrong and didn't want to talk about it. So confronting him likely got him to say something that he very likely couldn't have meant and got you to leave because being alone was easier to deal with at that moment. It didnt matter what he said to get you to leave as long as you left.

You were with a man that didn't seem capable of handling this emotional and sexual relationship responsibly. While yes, he needs to handle his own little issues on his own time, bringing it up more than once with him isn't going to get a man to do it more quickly or as easily as you might think. This was something he had to do on his own time and I do think it was possible that he felt pressured into fixing things to make you happier quicker than he was capable of doing it. It seems in your post that you realize that bringing these issues up repeatedly will likely make the relationship end quicker. You aren't wrong there.

The man has his issues to deal with, let him deal with them. You want to feel loved and supported and its possible he might not know how to do that for you as he doesn't listen to you voice your feelings. Communication was definitely an issue between the two of you. I think he may have felt like you were being critical, and you know for sure that he wouldn't listen to you. That is where the underlying problem lies based on what I am reading. Pornography was the next issue.

Thank you so much, aspiemike, for your insight in all of this. I do agree with you, and I have at times suspected that his relationship with pornography was not as healthy as it should have been. That's why I initially asked him to quit it for a bit, but it seems like his reasoning went more along the lines of "what she doesn't know won't hurt her".

I really do think he has issues, whether they are AS-related, and to what extent, is harder to determine. And me nagging him so much most likely didn't help at all. I did try to give him time and space to reflect on his sexual behavior, but I never felt like he was taking any sort of constructive action towards making it better, opting to live in denial about the fact that something was not functioning properly.

Sex is definitely important to me, and I couldn't have kept up a relationship with constant feelings of inadequacy and being substituted for porn, let alone with a man who can't even realize that his behavior is not healthy, and who seemingly isn't trying to deal with it.

I know all these things, but his words and behavior still hurt me so much. Just that he would end our relationship in order to not have to deal with whatever issues he has is hurtful beyond words to me.

Whether it is just a bad pornography habit, or that in combination with other issues concerning his self esteem, depression or something else; will he ever come around? Will my leaving ever spark something in him, a feeling of loss or a desire to change?

His behavior is causing me to doubt whether I ever even meant something at all to him, if I even made an impression, if there is anything I every provided, that would be hurtful for him to lose?

I don't know if he'll ever come around. I would like to believe there is a chance he may regret the decision to just say "yes" to answer your question so that you could leave and stop nagging him. Truth is, if a man or woman wants to fix his or her own issues, they have to do it on their own. Whether they can handle a relationship while working on these issues is a different thing.

Example:
I posted in the Haven earlier this moring about how I have been sick for two weeks in a cold dry winter climate. It has left me feeling down as well. I was sick and at home from work and I and my girlfriend were supposed to go out to a salsa dancing social tonight (we were last week as well and I was sick then as well, so she is going alone for the second Friday in a row). Although I expressed frustration over being sick and not being able to go, she did say she wanted to text me later on. I told her "If you're busy and having fun. Don't worry about it." She felt hurt by that response.

Truth is I have my own issues to deal with and they don't have much to do with her. But the fact that I gave her that response has opened my eyes to the fact that I could have created another problem on top of the problems I already have.

Your boyfriend I believe was happy with you, but many people in this world do end up believing that they don't deserve to be happy either. He could have sabotaged the relationship when issues came up. Depression often is a factor in sabotaging relationships.

I don't know how he feels or what his motives are for his behavior. I'm not even going to speculate. I just want to say that HIS BEHAVIOR IS NOT YOUR FAULT.

Thanks guys, this has really given me a new perspective on things. I know my (ex)boyfriend is stubborn and proud so I don't expect to hear from him anytime too soon. Meanwhile, I will have to try not contacting him, seeing as he would probably only say something even more hurtful anyway. It's gotta come from him this time, I feel like I've done all I can.

aspiemike, I get what you're saying. Sometimes a simple misunderstanding can cause a lot of trouble in a close and loving relationship. The key, I think, is to be open and continue to communicate with each other. And to have the capability to see things from another's perspective and reflect on how the things you say might be interpreted by someone else. I really hope you feel better son, so you guys can go out salsa dancing

Just an FYI: I just read a bit online about self-sabotaging behavior in relationships. I was gasping at how many of the descriptions fit the different behaviors of my boyfriend.

perhaps check out the following threads that were created within the last year.


Aspie burnout
Aspie Overthinking = Forever Alone?
Aspie Burnout 2
Is Self-Defeat common among Aspie relationships?

I wish I could help, but sadly I don't think I can, my brain works differently, for example

I genuinely don't understand this. Why would this be hurtful beyond words. I mean, is there a motivation or reasoning for breaking up with you that wouldn't have hurt you beyond words?

You have been dumped, it sucks big time, but I don't think there is ever a way to be dumped and it not being majorly sucky and painful.

Am I missing something here?

I think what I was trying to express was that his reasoning for saying what he said does not make sense to me. Whatever his reason for breaking up would have been, it would of course have been hurtful. But the fact that he would rather ask me to leave, than to communicate about and explore a possible solution to the one area in which our relationship was lacking, seems irrational to me and makes me feel like he let his (perceived) inabilities or lack of commitment (to the issue) get in the way of us having a happy, working relationship. I also feel that he let the anger and panic he felt upon confrontation cause him to speak and behave in a way that was so much more hurtful and lacking in compassion than it (in my opinion) should have been.

Hopefully that cleared my reasoning up a bit!

Does he have a job? This man sounds very unmotivated, depressed, self-centered, and it sounds like he just doesn't care. You mention he needs a lot of alone time. You mention he has next to no sex drive. You have no communication. Where is the relationship? Everything you say tells me this man has very little respect for you.

I am sorry, I was obviously not clear. I will try again but also apologise if I am still unclear, I do my best:

So, I got what you are saying about what you are feeling, you are very clear about that. What I am not understanding at this point is whether you think that his reasons are not valid reasons. Like, sure, it seems irrational to you, but feelings are seldom rational, so why would you expect anyone to have a rational emotional processing problem?

Like, he doesn't want to deal with it, fine. So yes, that's hurtful because you want to have a relationship with him but he would rather not be bothered than try and go through unpleasant stuff in order to have a relationship with you. That seems completely rational to me, personally, and I don't understand why you think it's irrational.

Anyway, don't worry about it, you are obviously going through a lot, and the last thing you need is someone like me making you feel worse. I hope I haven't done that.

886: He has a part-time job and is also studying full-time (as am I). But I have suspected that he is not really happy with his situation and himself, but is also very afraid of dealing with things, an talking about difficult things and it seems he is opting to just not. He does often display a lack of ambition in many areas, but then he also has moments of optimism where he manifests a will to better things around him, such as exercising, motivated studying, taking initiatives in our relationship etc.

leaffplant: I get what you're saying and realizing that his unwillingness to talk about and/or deal with our sex issue is part of his rationale. He just doesn't think it's worth it. I get that, but it still hurts me because I thought it was worth it. I was willing to put in the time and effort to try and help, to compromise and to try to be patient, even though I was also hurting from being constantly turned down and felt substituted for pornography. To me, our relationship was worth it and I truly had faith that this was the sort of thing we could get through together. I guess it's just a feeling that I was willing to put so much more effort in than he was. That is why I'm hurting.

It is also my belief that there should be some consistency in sexual activity in healthy, adult romantic relationships between sexual individuals. I understand why you commented on it though, and you didn't make things worse

It's my understanding that some aspies, both men and women, do experience physical discomfort with certain types of touch. I pondered whether this could have been the issue with my boyfriend after all? I mean, he did have a sexual interest, seeing as porn and masturbation was so important to him. When he would initiate sex, I never got the sense that it felt physically uncomfortable to him, and he didn't have a problem with kissing, cuddling, hugging or holding either. I also know he has had a lot of casual sexual encounters in the past, one night stands and longer strictly sexual relationships as well. His interest in sex with me was really high the first six months or so, then it nearly disappeared, almost overnight, but would return as if nothing had happened when we, for example, went on vacation together.

Thanks for explaining that, I guess that's the issue, that you cannot understand that his interest in you is not as strong as your interest in him. But you should be able to accept it though, even if it doesn't make sense to you.

you said "The man who denied loving me so coldly, seemingly lacking any emotion, is not the man I know he truly is. "

So, I reckon you may be deluding yourself there, trying to see what you want to see rather than what's in front of you. If someone has said something to you than they are the person who said that. You have to accept the reality of it or you will drive yourself nuts trying to make a square peg fit into a round hole.

I hope you find someone better for you, trully it doesn't sound like this guy is the right fit, just because some of the things were ok, doesn't mean it's possible to make the not ok things ok..

All the best to you!

leafplant: I hear you, I really do. But I'm pretty sure it was not just a matter of differing levels of interest, but rather a combination of things going on in him, psychologically and emotionally. And maybe things going on in me as well, my desperation to try and solve something because I reckoned it was the only way to save our relationship.

I know he said what he said, and I think it was a really sh***y way to end our relationship on his part. I do think there was more to what caused his reaction than simply a feeling of having fallen out of love.

Regardless, he said what he said and he did what he did. There is nothing I can do to change that. I can speculate in what else could have been going on, but I might never know and I definitely can't change the way he is.

Of course I'm still hoping he'll regret things he said and did, but there is really nothing I can do about that.

What I gathered is she dated this lad for 1 1/2 years, and instead of telling her why he wanted to break up, he just kind of gave her a middle finger and told her to gtfo. It's hard to get proper closure that way.