Need some advice - I dumped the only guy I've ever loved

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(( Just for some info on me: I'm new to Wrong Planet, but I used to read discussion forums in the past when I wasn't a member. I haven't been diagnosed with Autism or Asperger's. I have had obsessive thoughts and actions in the past (such as excessive hand washing to the point where the skin on my hands bled), social anxiety issues, and issues forming and maintaining friendships. I had to go to a psychologist and take antidepressant medication during high school and freshman year of college because of anxiety issues. I experienced panic attacks as a teenager (even during class when everyone watched), and have had suicidal thoughts, including recently because of my unemployment and feeling like a failure. ))

Would it be totally weird and stalkerish to contact my ex who I haven't talked to in probably five years? He's the only guy I've ever loved. We got really serious for a few months but then I dumped him. He was going away to study abroad for almost a year. I told him I couldn't do a long distance relationship. (There were other things going on with me though: I had stopped taking my antidepressants and started having negative thoughts and thinking he would do better not being with me and that he deserved better.) After we broke up we had a one night stand and then I sent him Facebook messages and texts and embarrassed myself acting like a crazy ex. I always regretted what I did. He treated me with respect, he has a great sense of humor, he's smart, college-educated, and he and I shared a lot of the same interests and values. I dated a few other guys but I stayed single throughout college to focus on myself and my education and career goals. I didn't even think about relationships during college, I was so busy with classes and extracurricular activities and work. Now I'm back in my hometown and looking for a job and always trying to better myself every day. I've really matured since he and I first dated, and I've started to miss him again. I found one of his online profiles and it says he's single. Am I a stalker? Would he freak out if I contacted him out of the blue after years of not talking? I always doubt my decisions and I have a lot of regrets in my life. I don't want to do something I'd regret...again. Should I take a risk and contact him? Am I just being obsessive again? Would it be better to just move on? He and I didn't have any closure, and that's mostly my fault...but I thought it was a good sign that when he got back from studying abroad, he "liked" a few of my Facebook photos. But a couple years ago I deleted my Facebook. I really need advice. Maybe I'm just a hopeless romantic. Should I see a therapist? I know that's a lot of questions, but I'm just looking for any advice. Thanks for reading.

It's not necessarily wrong to contact him, but do you know why you want to, what your goal is? I don't think you should put yourself or him through torture, if you don't know what you want I think that things are more likely to go badly.

And of course you'll be taking a chance contacting him, he may not want what you do. I guess it kind of depends how crazy you got then, and how much past that you are now.

IMO, I would initiate some type of innocuous contact to see what type (if any) response you get.

Watefalls: I guess my reason would be to see if he wanted to give it another try. If he told me he didn't want to, I'd have closure. If I didn't hear anything from him, then that would be another sign he didn't want to. And I don't think I acted super crazy after we broke up, just probably annoyed him and upset him, because when I dumped him it was really sudden and surprising, even for myself. After I dumped him he posted something on his Facebook that sounded like he was kind of broken-hearted. Back then I had issues with acting compulsively and not thinking things through and making the right decisions. When we dated I was pretty naive, but I've matured a lot since then. But the last thing I want to do is "torture" him, emotionally, so I don't know if I'd even want to contact him...

Aspinator: I don't have his number or email anymore, and I deleted my Facebook. So I don't know how I'd even send him a message.

Considering you haven't talked to him in 5 years it's not really stalking, if you constantly tried contacting him and he would block you, yet you continued, that's stalking. You can try, but you have to be prepared to deal with whatever he might say to you - even if it's absolutely nothing. A non-response is a response, they say, in terms of online interaction. A good word of advice is if he does respond, it's easier to keep the conversation to small talk and catching up, not "hey wanna try dating again" after a short exchange.

886: You're right, if I contact him (still a big "if" at this point) then I should start out with small talk.

Thanks for all your replies so far. Still not sure what I'm going to do, if anything...I just don't want to live with regret over this.

Well, you know what they say, if you do nothing, then you'll never know.

Since you feel you've matured a lot and you're both single, can you access him through face book or find him? It's hard living with regrets.

As you see him as maybe having been hurt by you, being respectful, explaining you were impulsive and immature, and how you've grown, and listening ..... You never know what might happen and you might at the least get closure.

I always think about contacting my ex just for closure but it wouldn't end well. She would tell me to get lost. She's a total narc.

If the guy isn't a dick, it may be OK to message him, but if he is, probably best for your own head not to.

886: That's very true. I guess I'm just scared I would do something wrong or say something wrong, so I feel more comfortable not doing anything.

Waterfalls: I don't have an account anymore on Facebook. I found some of his online profiles, but wouldn't it seem weird to contact him on one of those? I don't know what I'd start out with saying. But you're right, I'd want to explain what happened back then, and see if he says anything. Maybe start out with small talk, about something we're both interested in.

Wind: He never once treated me meanly or rudely, back then. But after not talking for years, I don't know how he'd react now.

I'm just worried I'm building up our past relationship in my head as making it more than it was (which I've done before with friendships) and he probably moved on long ago. I've never been good at moving on.

This. You don't want to have him in your mind everyday even after years have gone by, knowing you could have contacted him in some way and actually said to him how you really felt. You never know if that person could be out of your life forever.

If you're that into this guy, then you'll regret it far more if you do nothing. Even if you find out he doesn't feel the same way about you and he wants to be left alone. By the sounds of it, while you were on FB he was subtley trying to let you know he wanted to talk to you.

smudge: I think back then I was scared of doing the wrong thing again or saying the wrong thing (and I still am), so I didn't respond to his Facebook "likes" on my photos. I deleted my account a couple of years ago. Should I get back on there? I don't know how else I'd contact him. But the last thing I want to do is act like a stalker or weird him out.

You will not appear like a stalker.

In order to appear like a stalker, you would have to contact him 2-3 times before he responded. If you contact him just once and wait until he responds, you will not appear like a stalker.

Call him up. Simple. Leave no regrets please. Believe me, leave no regrets. If he is the guy for you, give it all you've got…and that does not mean stalking, that just means letting him know how you really feel…

PS believe me I wish I had done this so many years ago and I promise you, that it will never go away...

OK, I just read you can only contact him through maybe Facebook? however you can contact him, find a way to contact him and ensure he acknowledges what you have said…that is all you have to do. If he doesn't reply, he's not interested and do not continue…if he is interested, he will respond…maybe not the same day, maybe it will take a few weeks, but I promise you he will if you are honest and please, don't let it go…I did, I will regret it the rest of my life.

smudge: Couldn't contacting him even once seem weird or stalkerish in this context? I'm probably just over-thinking all of this.

whatamess: You're right, I should at least try. I don't want to regret this the rest of my life. I already have regretted it for five years.