Seven months of silence...

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Hi there,
I am Lolo an European woman in her late 30's. First of all sorry for my bad English. I hope you will understand me, anyway.
This is my story.
I am a NT woman and I didn't know anything about Asperger's Syndrome until I met J.
J is the wonderful, sexy, kind and clever Aspie man I met online 10 months ago. He lives in another European country, we are physically very distant. But we seemed to get along very well and understand each other perfectly. Until the day he stopped replying to my emails, out of the blue. Without a reason. After that we met once, when I went to visit his town. It was a surprise. He reacted in the most happy way you could imagine, hugging me, telling me it was a wonderful surprise, assuring me that I saved him from his depression. Begging me to restart our friendship, asking me to write him again. He seemed so happy to see me. I was happy too. I didn't know what I wanted from him, friendship or romance, but I could have been totally okay with a friendship, because we live so far apart. When I got home again I wrote him few emails to which he replied, then he stopped again. Again out of the blue, without any reason. I don't understand why he asked me to write him and seemed sooo happy to see me, if he knew he did not really want to keep in touch. I tried a few times to contact him, sending few emails but he never answered. Then I gave up, but I still think of him a lot and I miss him, his words, his kindness... I thought we were really friends, special friends. How can he don't miss me as I miss him? Have I done (unintentionally) something wrong? Why doesn't he tell me to stop writing him? Why can't he reply when I ask him a simple "how are you?" Isn't he interested in me, in friendship or is he frozen by fear? I am filled of doubts and my self-esteem is not at its peak...
Is there anybody who can help me to understand what happened and what I could do? He was really a fantastic person, I will never stop to care about him, even if he stopped caring about me.
Again sorry for my bad English and thank you for reading me

Basically you're waiting for his fear to bounce off the proper cortex in the proper corner of his brain before it bounces off the cortex which decided to hug you. Aspies acknowledge that humans are animals; you've done everything right, you only have to remember that most of his emotions won't have names.

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Hmmm. Anxiety has something to do with it I'm sure. But is there anything you may have said to him to make him believe you are mad or upset with him? Sometimes other people may take someone else's anger or pain as a personal rejection of them, even when its far from being true.

Sometimes it is easy for us to get distracted and lose track of things. I know this might sound impossible in your situation but we have problems keeping track of friends and engagements some times. You might have to be very direct with him. Try facebook or phone calls.

It might be that he isnt interested in you, OR it might legitimately be that he IS into you but is having problems communicating.

It's very possible that he is not ready for the relationship you have with him, and he feels he got in over his head. The reason he asked you to write to him again, could have been because you were physically there with him. Some of us are too shy to say what we really want.

It sounds like you didn't do anything wrong. Everything hangs up on his end of the line.

First of all, I am sorry that you are in this painful situation. He is definitely sending you mixed messages. I don't think you did anything wrong. Only he can answer the question of why he stopped responding.

From a guys POV and unrelated to aspergers... I would think any guy would have a problem with being told "what happened to the guy I met?". If we then hear a complete 360 after that, it would likely add to the confusion we feel.

Its unfortunate that this friendship is mostly online and through text format because I know I would have problems trying to guage emotion. My experience tells me that people aren't as afraid to say things through text format. It takes real courage and emotion to say things face to face or on phone at minimum. But keep in mind I also different from others here in my own way. Just like the next person is.


FYI.... Keeping track of friends IMO is not an aspie thing either. I have a feeling that this guy is just afraid and confused.

Wow there is lot of speculation from folk.

At the end of of the day all you can do is ask. You didn't do anything wrong at all.

There are a couple of different things that might be going on. I can only report from my own experience, but let me give you insight on two things that are my by far heaviest burdens in this regard:

No.1 : Preoccupation
When I set my mind to do something, I do it. Narrowly focused, with passion and zeal, but I zone out almost anything else. It could be that there is something in his life that has utmost importance to him. To me, it was my education, I discarded almost any social contact because my logic was: "Well, I'll just get back to those later." To me, it never occured that this might not be an easy task, I simply assumed I could go on like nothing ever happend, failing to realize that other people tend to feel offended and start moving on when they feel they have no relevance to you anymore.

No.2: He doesn't know what to do and is completely overburdened by your approach

I have had that experience with women, and so far, I am completely overtaxed by the question what kind of reaction the other person expects.
There have been women that told me that they were interested in me, and they quickly discarded me as a suitable partner when they didn't get any feedback. Funny thing is, I thought I gave it, but to them, they didn't get enough and not fast enough. This also applies when women get TOO "aggressive" in their approach. When you write him an emotional e-mail about your feelings and what you want, etc., you put the pressure of showing the same amount of emotion on him. And that is certainly not one of our strengths. It might be that he simply doesn't know what to say out of fear he might lose you, because he thinks you expect a certain kind of response.

Your story is so similar to mine...