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anxiety and fear of women

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sly279
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28 Mar 2014, 11:08 am

Well over that last year i've been rejected so much and played with.

I started the year with being able to message and talk to girls, but now I feel so worthless and horrible. I can't bring myself to message any. It just going fail and hurt me more, whether its after a day or a week, they all reject me though some will pretend for weeks. Just doesn't seem good ideal to message them. I don't understand I put the importatnt things p on my profile. do some just find fun in leading guys on?

anyways now I just look over their profies and star them and move on. the ones for the last months have all messaged me and say I'm handsome or cool but then just ignore me later on after i've started to feel better, trust them kinda and starting to feel attached then bam they just stop talking without any reason. They all say they won't do that but it never fails to happen with everyone of them. :'(



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28 Mar 2014, 12:28 pm

You can't shop for love. It just happens when it happens. I find dating sites worse than useless (although I do know that work sometimes, but it's kind of like playing a lottery - the odds are against it.)
I know this sucks when you want a partner, but sometimes its best to distract yourself with other things for a while.


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Willard
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28 Mar 2014, 12:40 pm

Girls used to tell me "You're too intense."

Years later, I finally understand what that meant. I went into every situation trying to look into the future and see what it was going to become, rather than learning to just hang, chill and enjoy each interaction for what it was (is) NOW.

Don't put pressure on yourself and others to fit into the preconceived box of your own hopes and fantasies.

Each person you interact with enters your life with a gift. That gift may be a big one, but most of the time it will be an emotional or spiritual trinket. Accept it graciously and understand that when the purpose of your encounter is fulfilled and your gifts exchanged, you will both move on, because life is fluid, not static. We are not in this world to plant permanent roots, the very existence of DEATH is a constant reminder of that. Even the wedding vows say "till death do we PART."

Does that mean no relationship can last a lifetime? Of course not, we see it happen all the time. But that is a BIG GIFT and you can't expect a gift like that to drop into your lap every day. So stop expecting it, or even hoping for it, and relish the gifts you're getting - and when they go, let them go graciously and be grateful to have received them.

Live where (when) you are and not where you might be.



Eureka13
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28 Mar 2014, 12:48 pm

Willard wrote:
Girls used to tell me "You're too intense."

Years later, I finally understand what that meant. I went into every situation trying to look into the future and see what it was going to become, rather than learning to just hang, chill and enjoy each interaction for what it was (is) NOW.

Don't put pressure on yourself and others to fit into the preconceived box of your own hopes and fantasies.

Each person you interact with enters your life with a gift. That gift may be a big one, but most of the time it will be an emotional or spiritual trinket. Accept it graciously and understand that when the purpose of your encounter is fulfilled and your gifts exchanged, you will both move on, because life is fluid, not static. We are not in this world to plant permanent roots, the very existence of DEATH is a constant reminder of that. Even the wedding vows say "till death do we PART."

Does that mean no relationship can last a lifetime? Of course not, we see it happen all the time. But that is a BIG GIFT and you can't expect a gift like that to drop into your lap every day. So stop expecting it, or even hoping for it, and relish the gifts you're getting - and when they go, let them go graciously and be grateful to have received them.

Live where (when) you are and not where you might be.


Very well said. There is some positive to be gotten out of almost every interaction we have with another human, no matter how brief. You might learn something. About them, about the world, about yourself. Don't set yourself up for failure by looking at each encounter as "this might be my last chance for a lifetime partner!" It's not. But if you don't live in that moment, the time you do have with that person, instead of being focused on what could be, you are probably going scare them off AND you're missing what good there is to be gotten out of that particular moment.



AspieOtaku
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29 Mar 2014, 3:01 pm

Kinda sounds similar to how I feel sometimes.


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leafplant
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29 Mar 2014, 3:23 pm

sly279 wrote:
Well over that last year i've been rejected so much and played with.

I started the year with being able to message and talk to girls, but now I feel so worthless and horrible. I can't bring myself to message any. It just going fail and hurt me more, whether its after a day or a week, they all reject me though some will pretend for weeks. Just doesn't seem good ideal to message them. I don't understand I put the importatnt things p on my profile. do some just find fun in leading guys on?

anyways now I just look over their profies and star them and move on. the ones for the last months have all messaged me and say I'm handsome or cool but then just ignore me later on after i've started to feel better, trust them kinda and starting to feel attached then bam they just stop talking without any reason. They all say they won't do that but it never fails to happen with everyone of them. :'(


If they are talking to you for weeks, they are trying to build rapport. If it doesn't work out it doesn't work out. Relationships take two at least. And one important thing to remember - relationships are about the other, not about you.

Aspergers is probably making things more difficult because while you may be the same age as those women, you are probably years behind in terms of emotional maturity. This is in part because you are male but in huge part because you have autism.

Here is what you need to work towards:

http://coachingpositiveperformance.com/ ... -maturity/



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29 Mar 2014, 4:57 pm

leafplant wrote:
Here is what you need to work towards:

http://coachingpositiveperformance.com/ ... -maturity/


Interesting link. Did you intend those 12 criteria to be read in the context of relationships or life in general? Because I'd say I qualify for 11.5/12 for life in general, but maybe 5/12 when it comes to relationships. :)


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sly279
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29 Mar 2014, 4:58 pm

leafplant wrote:
sly279 wrote:
Well over that last year i've been rejected so much and played with.

I started the year with being able to message and talk to girls, but now I feel so worthless and horrible. I can't bring myself to message any. It just going fail and hurt me more, whether its after a day or a week, they all reject me though some will pretend for weeks. Just doesn't seem good ideal to message them. I don't understand I put the importatnt things p on my profile. do some just find fun in leading guys on?

anyways now I just look over their profies and star them and move on. the ones for the last months have all messaged me and say I'm handsome or cool but then just ignore me later on after i've started to feel better, trust them kinda and starting to feel attached then bam they just stop talking without any reason. They all say they won't do that but it never fails to happen with everyone of them. :'(


If they are talking to you for weeks, they are trying to build rapport. If it doesn't work out it doesn't work out. Relationships take two at least. And one important thing to remember - relationships are about the other, not about you.

Aspergers is probably making things more difficult because while you may be the same age as those women, you are probably years behind in terms of emotional maturity. This is in part because you are male but in huge part because you have autism.

Here is what you need to work towards:

http://coachingpositiveperformance.com/ ... -maturity/


how does one judge emotional maturity, i've tended to be told i'm more mature for my age and have been told so since middle school

some of those seem to be just part of different personality traits, I've never seen all those in any one person.


If they are talking to you for weeks, they are trying to build rapport. If it doesn't work out it doesn't work out. Relationships take two at least. And one important thing to remember - relationships are about the other, not about you.

i tend to be more about them, making them happy and such. stuff seems to be going ok then they just stop talking to me with no reason, while days before she was flirting and laughing and enjoying herself with me.
others have flat out told me " i met a better guy then you who meets my demands more"

I acknowledge that I don't know anymore when to take it from the texting phase to the on a date , so that is likely to be reason for some of them. I just don't know and i enjoy texting for a while.