My husband is so angry all the time

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My husband and I have been together for 10 years and married for five. We've been through alot of financial stress lately and our children are in the custody of the state because we have a lack of support and our Asperger's/ADHD son was biting himself and came into school covered in bruises/in shirts with holes in them because to keep him from biting holes in them was impossible and we couldn't afford to buy him new shirts all the time. No one wanted to think there was anything more to his issues than a dysfunctional family or parenting issues, both of which couldn't have been further from the truth, which is why we are very close to getting them back. I know that this is stressful and compounded by the fact that I also have Asperger's syndrome.
Lately though it seems as though I can do NOTHING right, a far cry from simple miscomunication and sensory issues interfering with intimacy and other relational aspects. I know it's difficult for him to handle everything, but at the same time everyday life without the additional stressors can be overwhelming for me. We live in Las Vegas and I like to go to the casino with $5 or so and gamble penny keno from time to time. Since we've been going together he's spent a fair amount of money and it's become an almost everyday event. He won't help out in the house at all, complains if he gets bored for 2 seconds and wants to leave, he spends more money than a family of five on food for himself, and gets pissy when his eating habits can't be supported by our one minimum wage income. He spent a literal $40 on sandwich items and ate 4 at a time, our food budget is only $200 a month as is. Today we got to take our son out for two hours and I was excited and left a little early. We got there 30 minutes early and our son showed up 15 minutes early so we were only waiting 15 minutes, but that didn't stop him from complaining the whole 15 minutes we sat waiting or from correcting me when we brought him back because we were right on time leaving when he suggested. Then we asked our son if he would rather go to the park or to our house, he wanted to come home for a while. The drive alone cuts out about 30 minutes of the 2 hours, but we spent a good hour at the house and had a nice dialogue during the drive. But again it was my fault our visit was cut short and he wanted more time to be with his son, and it would have been better to go to the park (despite not having water and the fact that our son would be bouncing around outside instead of sitting and eating with us/having some quality time together). Then we go drop him off and the foster mother was talking about taking our son to SeaWorld one weekend and about his therapy and medication options, how he was doing in school and day to day. It gave us another hour with our son, but on the drive back home my husband yet again was displeased with me, this time I talked too much. He asked where I wanted to go. I just wanted to go sit at home and ruminate in the time I had with my son. He wanted to go to the casino with our last $7 and said he would drop me off. I was pretty annoyed at this point and said, "Why? So you can lose the last of our money?" So we ended up coming home and he slept for a few hours after another lecture on how I never listen to him blah blah blah.
This isn't a one time incident or just a passing bad day for him. This is everyday! And when me "not listening" or "being too talkative" isn't enough to make me feel like ****, he goes onto using sarcasm overtly, which he knows I can't grasp, or he teases me, which I can't stand due to having Asperger's syndrome, and he knows this. I can't take this anymore, I'm not always wrong! Why is he so pissy all the time anymore? He doesn't want me to meet his friends because I embarrass him, has issues when I take the car to drop him off at work to go see my one friend, and is just generally spiteful, lazy, hateful, and patronizing.

your husband sounds miserable. you need someone on your side. if you can't do marriage counseling, it's time to call it quits.

You do need someone on your side. but you can't call it quits until you get the kids back.
Also, is it possible that hubby's mood will improve when this is over?

Meanwhile, you might be able to find a way to re-focus for a while, to hold on to your sanity. A part-time job would probably be best but, if that's not realistic, can you do some worth-while project around the house? Paint the kitchen or something. (Unlike cleaning the house, you would have something to show for it.) Or, if you have family in the area, do something to help them. Or a church activity or other volunteer work. Some on-going activity that doesn't cost anything and gets you involved and out of your own troubles.

You probably don't really want advice so much as a safe place to rant. So, rant on. If any of my dumb questions will help to bring the rant into focus, go for it.

I'm in a catch 22. Leaving him would make my life so much easier and he was one of the major reasons that our kids are in state custody. He wouldn't help around the house, made huge messes of dishes, and would yell at the kids and spank them constantly which is what caused my son the anxiety that drove him to start biting himself and his clothing. Now, because of my mental health status of OCD and Asperger's, he has the perfect scapegoat. It was all my fault because of my condition and if I reveal it to be any other way it will prolong our children's time in foster care. I'm trapped because I can't keep a steady job and don't have any family having grown up in the system myself. I hate being so dependent upon him for everything, but I'm not in a position to do anything about it from a financial and legal standpoint.

Might i suggest that the first thing to do is stop the casino and other recreational expenses. The financial stresses are aggravating things, and unless you wish to be at the mercy if the state you need to get some legal help to get the kids back.

I know it is not nearly enough money to do much, but the worst thing to do when you are broke is to keep spending on anything that is not essential. It also makes you look irresponsible to the morons who took your kids.

Is there anything job wise you could do that is perhaps better paying? what are your skillsets?

How old are the kids?

If the kids were not a factor, would you leave him today?

Were there other reasons?

Are they better off in temporary foster care?

Would prolonging it be a bad thing?
If you took the time, could you prove that you are the better parent?

Have you talked to a disability lawyer or someone who knows how these things work?
If you had to live by yourself, would your diagnosis be strong enough to collect disability?
And, once established on your own, would you get custody?
Would hubby even want custody?

They are 2,4 and 6 years old.


Yes, but unfortunately the children are a factor and a major one.


The lack of resources was the most contributing factor, my son's self-harming was another.


No, my 2 year old daughter has had a rash that looks like ringworm for months, her lips are bleeding they're so chapped most of the time, and they are traumatized by the removal. My oldest son's behaviors have escalated to aggression towards other children, adults, and worse self-harming. DFS doesn't care and we've been told by our lawyers that to make a big deal out of it would bring the blame back on us... "Had you provided for them this wouldn't have happened to them..." type of response by the courts.


Yes, because of the answer to the above question. And no, they really don't care about my parenting abilities. My diagnosis makes them liable should anything happen and they've told us that to get the kids back we have to be together. They don't want to reunify with a single parent because it's an entirely different process, we are weeks away from getting them home, and that could set us back several years.

Have you talked to a disability lawyer or someone who knows how these things work?
If you had to live by yourself, would your diagnosis be strong enough to collect disability?
And, once established on your own, would you get custody?
Would hubby even want custody?[/quote]
No I haven't because I don't qualify for disability, I've been denied several times, and he does want the children, he loves them but he's overwhelmed by them and that's in no way an excuse for his actions towards them. I'm worried about his ability to change and once the children are back with us the process to gain custody of them is so much easier than with DFS involved.

My casino expenses are about $5 a week if that. It's only really an issue with him and it's his bank account, he's working, and to point out how much he's spending is tantamount to "asking for it". We have lawyers already and we've paid up our rent for nearly an entire year, so financially we're not struggling, his fits over his food and wanting video games that would only serve as a new way for him to ignore any responsibility in the house, is what gets to me. Not really that he's spending some money because at this point we really have all we need for ourselves and the kids. I'm unemployed and job-wise I have a Medical Assisting degree, I guess I'm just afraid to even apply for two reasons. One is that I've been through more than 20 jobs and I'm 25 years old, all because of miscommunication and an inability to multitask. The other being the fact that with the kids coming home and all three being in some sort of social skills dayschool or therapy and two being in school, then my husband's work schedule... one of us is going to have to make all of the appointments and get the kids to school while the other works. Both of us working isn't really an option at this point.

I'm surprised this topic hasn't had more attention around here.
I searched WP and this is the best thread I found. Not much help here.
"Outed" by my son--custody issues? http://www.wrongplanet.net/postt218998.html

I've also been looking around google for the past hour or so, and found nothing really useful.

I just want to make sure of one thing from your first post.

Are you saying that he is spending more money than you and has a gambling problem?

Not really. He has a problem with being bored. If he isn't entertained by some means that's not chores or appointments (Because both of these just piss him off) then he goes gambling. He literally will not sit in the house for more than a cartoon episode before he's ready to walk out the door, which means he's going to go spend money on something, be it food, impulse buys, gambling, et al. He has 0 patience and basically picture a 2 to 4 year old wanting what they want NOW! Or pitching a fit and sulking or name calling. He's like a child, won't pick up after himself, whines over having to do chores and get up early or go to appointments, and then blames me when his impulses get the better of him bringing up things weeks, months, and years ago to justify his reasoning of why it's always my fault.

Dump that SOB, you're too good for him! You shouldn't have to put up with his BS.

Ok nvm the idea of a gambling problem... he is just financially irresponsible and my guess unwillng to take responsibility.

Other than that, all personal issues he may have that you can't really help him with will likely have to be dealt with one by one. What you want to do is up to you.

It doesn't sound like he has any respect for you or your family, why are you married to him?

I know it's hard with the whole asperger's thing, especially from personal experience, but we do have to stand up for ourselves sometimes.

Maybe he needs to masturbate more then he wont be so angry!

I bet he would be diagnosable with some kind of impulse control disorder. Not that he would seek it.
There's lots of stuff about that. http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Impulse_control_disorder

We have another current thread about Caetextia. http://www.wrongplanet.net/postt255243.html --
That seems to be the extreme opposite of hubby's problem.

Part of it is about autistic people having a "barrier" between the left and right hemispheres. For me, I would say it's more a "bottle neck" rather than a "barrier." My emotions are there, but too slow and too easy to suppress. By the time I'm ready to respond to an emotional situation, the moment has passed and it would seem calculated and insincere. If this can be true for me, I can imagine your hubby having the opposite, whatever that might be called, or too little of a barrier to keep those impulses in check.

Now that I'm thinking along those lines, I wonder if it's even possible for an Aspie to have an impulse control disorder.

I know that real life is complicated and that it's not easy. Sorry about all the dumb questions on this thread, especially mine. I hope you don't take any of them too seriously. Still, I think it's good to get it out, to re-think and re-sort things.