Talking straight-forward to a potential Aspie

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I already opened a thread about the same person a few months ago, but it has been inactive and I don't want to require everyone to read through all the pages, so I'm starting from scratch.

So, I met a girl in the university orchestra who is very shy and has a number of other Aspie traits. After a lot of effort, a managed to meet her alone (before the rehearsal, in a seminar room), and we played a duet for violin and viola and talked a little. That was very nice, but I get the impression that we're not getting anywhere because we're too shy to talk to each other and unable to interpret each other's emotions. During the orchestra rehearsal breaks, we both walk up to each other, but conversation is very difficult.

I'm trying to talk to her via e-mail; she says she wants to meet more often, but on the other hand, she sounds very neutral and takes a lot of time to respond.

I've been trying to approach her for months this way; on the one hand, I think it's time to give up because I'm running out of energy; one the other hand, it still seems like we like each other, so maybe I shouldn't.

Maybe these NT dating conventions just don't work for us, and because other things fail, I'm pondering about just handing her a letter next time we meet. Not some fancy romantic love letter, but rather a straight-forward depiction of my perspective on the entire situation and an explanation how to interpret of my behavior. Something including: "Hey, you're a very nice person, and I want to get to know you a bit better.", and a few phrases to push her self-esteem, because she seems to feel so inferior...

So, to those in Aspie/Aspie relationships: Do you have any experiences about that? I know there's a chance this will destroy everything, but there isn't so much to lose any more.

Can't really offer you much advice, but I can share a personal story. About 10 years ago I met this girl at work who was the younger sister of someone I worked with for many years (she was a recent hire). Long story short she had Aspie traits but was NT as far as I could tell. We used to talk for hours on end at work but in private, she hardly said more than one or two words at a time. I still to this day have NO IDEA if she was into me. She did tell me some rather personal stories (at work) and her eyes lit up when she saw me. However, she hardly ever said anything to me privately and once I invited her over to my parent's place for a work department party along with about 10 others (her sister worked in my department, she didn't). They both came and I got her alone in the basement and she looked and acted very uncomfortable and never even said as much as a thank you for the invitation. I put HOURS into the party and NOBODY even said more than thanks to me and nobody ever spoke of it again but that's another story.

This was obviously before cell phones and email were mainstream but I saw her recently at the Grocery store and she looks AWFUL. Her boyfriend looks like he broke out of maximum security prison and she looked like she has done 10 years of hard drugs. She was training to be a dietitian and was very health conscious when I knew her... unlike me. I could tell she was immensely unhappy and I can GUARANTEE you her boyfriend has/is abusive towards her. One of my biggest regrets is that I didn't just share my feelings outright and ask her on a REAL date instead of being a wuss. She might have said no and I would have been devastated but I wouldn't be a 31 year old with the experience and mentality of a 20 year old on the dating scene now. If it's meant to be it's meant to be period.

I would recommend coming right out that you want to take her out in person on a date. If she says no or runs away, she wasn't the one and was never interested in you. It's very hard to do but trust me, you don't want to end up like me and experience is worth its weight in gold.

I've considered asking her out the "traditional way". But apart from the fact that this way is highly uncomfortable for me, how can I expect an immediate answer if it takes her almost a week to answer a simple e-mail message? And even if she said yes, we would probably be sitting there, not knowing what to do.

To me, it seems like we have to clarify a number of things before doing anything like that. That's why I came up with the idea of writing her a letter. Among NTs, I know that's considered a big mistake; that's why I'm asking here.

You should do it.

As an aspie girl I can say it is very hard to understand emotions - self or other people. There is a huge chance she just thinks that she misunderstands you and you just want to be her friend not to have a love relationship with her so she holds back, hiding her emotions even from herself. On the other hand she might not love you yet but it also doesn't mean she wont develop feelings once she knows how you feel. Her mind might go like "He loves me? I wonder how love is like? Maybe I should watch him and learn how to love?". It might take a lot of time (the first time I developed feelings this way was about half of year after someone told me he likes me - long after he gave up already -_-) but can be worth it (the next time took me only 2 months and my relationship with the boyfriend lasted almost a year). At least it is still better than staying in the friends relationship without starting the whole thinking process hoping that she will get clue herself - it won't happen unless she already experienced love before. I am 25 year old and this year for the first time I realized a boy likes me before he actually told me he does. Unfortunately for both of us he is totally not my type and I won't even try to develop feelings to him so no happy ending in this case.

Anyway. Tell her. If she likes you or at least doesn't dislike you it might be a good start for a relationship. And if she doesn't like you at all - you will get your mind free.
If she is ready to start/try a relationship and have had some relationships in the past - good for you, she will know what to do. If she is ready but has never been in any relationship before - you might have to take the initiative and show her how a relationship looks like and what she is supposed to do (but wait till she develop some feelings first, there is a point you might realize she did before she tells you so but if you can't see it wait longer, till she starts making some moves by herself), be ready that your relationship move in steps rather than slowly increasing in time, there are mind barriers she needs to get over with.
If she is not ready for the relationship she is probably going to tell you she likes you as a friend, she likes someone else or you are not really her type - you might keep being her friend for a few months and ask again then (there is a chance the think process start anyway) or give up at that point, it's up to you. And if she just tell you you are totally not her type and wishes you would get away from her... just do what she says, she means that, there is no point in waiting.

Of course, I am saying this because of my past experiences. No aspie is 100% like another so what works for me might not work for her. But I honestly think it is worth a try. At least you will get the situation clear.

The letter sounds like a good idea good luck

Thanks! (I wasn't really expecting this thread to go on.)

Well, my considerations about the letter were based on thoughts that weren't really up-to-date. I've written the letter now (not given it to her, though), but after reading it again, I'm thinking: "Do I really need to write this?"

Even to an Aspie (I don't know if she is one), if I actively try to meet her and write her a lot of messages, shouldn't this imply that I want to get to know her? I know she has a lot of self-doubts, but is that a reason not to reply to my messages? Yeah, maybe she fears that what she writes might make me reject her, but shouldn't it be obvious that being totally passive and replying very late or not at all is even worse?

On my latest message, she hasn't replied at all (that is, not before we'll see each other in person anyway, namely tomorrow), which I kind of interpret as a rejection now. I don't think there will be another meeting, so I won't have an opportunity to give her a letter on paper. And writing her an e-mail with that content sounds like a bad idea, considering her behavior towards my previous messages...

So, yeah, I've kind of given up. Unless she actively tries to talk to me tomorrow, I will stop trying to approach her.