Would aspie-aspie dating be better than aspie-nt dating?

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In general would an aspie partner be better for an aspie
Yes, they would understand better 34%  34%  [ 22 ]
No, it would magnify the problem 19%  19%  [ 12 ]
Too many other issues, comes more so down to the two people involved 47%  47%  [ 30 ]
Total votes : 64

FireyInspiration
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19 Mar 2014, 7:04 pm

Its no secret that aspies as a whole struggle with dating. A thought I recently had was that another aspie would be more understanding of their aspie partners needs and feeling when dealing with these issues. A counter thought that I had was that having two aspies together would only magnify the problems they have in relationships. I was wondering if anyone else could shed light on the issue?



linatet
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19 Mar 2014, 7:17 pm

I can't really tell, because I have never had na aspie date.
But if I had to guess I think it would be worse, considering what I know and considering my best friends. I have an aspie best friend and an nt best friend; the bond I have with the first is waaay too tiring and complicated, too much negativity and depression and anxiety, seems like it magnifies all the trouble and neither has the tools to help the other. With my nt best friend things are much simpler, she just accepts me and helps me with the things I struggle with, and helps me grow challenging me to get out of my confort zone and socializing, but she supports me in every step not just throws me in the world. The point is that you have to find an nt that is accepting and understanding, even if it is hard to find, I think it would (generally) be much better than aspie-aspie relationship. Of course depends on lots of things but as I said if I had to guess...



Tim_Tex
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19 Mar 2014, 7:33 pm

It varies from person to person.

AS-AS works very well for some, not so much for others.


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mr_bigmouth_502
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19 Mar 2014, 7:48 pm

Judging by my personality, I would actually get along much better with dating someone who is the opposite of me in some ways. I would want to date someone who is empathetic, selfless, and patient. I find that I can be quite self-centered and impatient, and I don't get along well with people who also have those traits.

Dating another aspie might be a tricky proposition, because on the one hand we'd be able to understand a lot of each other's issues and such, but on the other hand, intimacy may become an issue, and if our "special interests" don't match up somewhat, like I start dating a girl who is really into trains, then that may cause some conflicts. As long as we were both willing to cut each other some slack though, I think it would work out ok.

I think my best-case scenario would be to date someone who isn't an aspie, but isn't exactly "NT" either, like someone who is empathetic, selfless, quiet, and introverted, with a few mental health issues of their own. I get along better with people who have also struggled with things like anxiety and depression, than with people who are mentally "healthy" and feel good all the time.



ToJaFro
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19 Mar 2014, 8:23 pm

FireyInspiration wrote:
A thought I recently had was that another aspie would be more understanding of their aspie partners needs and feeling when dealing with these issues.


Surely there's a HUGE GAPING fallacy here? Aspergers = lack of empathy and understanding which is usually what causes problems in an AS-NT relationship so it's gonna' be the same in an AS-AS relationship unless their partner doesn't give a rats ass :shrug:.


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hale_bopp
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19 Mar 2014, 11:04 pm

Tim_Tex wrote:
It varies from person to person.

AS-AS works very well for some, not so much for others.


This.
I don't see why so many people fail to get this.



Woodpecker
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20 Mar 2014, 12:36 am

I have a wife who has AS, we get on well with each other. We are very honest with each other, years before I meet my wife I had a serious relationship with a NT woman which failed. The NT woman and me were having relationship trouble, she was unhappy in the relationship but she kept making up excuses for me not to come and see her (such as she was feeling ill or very busy with work) and I was left thinking that she was happy in the relationship.

Then one day she ran out of excuses and we saw each other, then I went to hug her and she pulled away. Then I asked her what was wrong and she explained it was all over. While she never told me a "black lie" she dod not tell me the "whole truth".


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20 Mar 2014, 4:50 am

It can and can't. It's a matter of how self-aware and experienced each person is. But even then it could be AS-NT with said NT having a firm grasp of what Asperger's is, that would work just as good. You could also get an AS-AS relationship with a guy having no social skills using horrid PUA tactics, and a woman with very poor social skills falling for said PUA tactics, two people getting used and hurt and having no idea why. So yeah, really just depends on the people involved.


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20 Mar 2014, 10:20 am

I think it comes down to individuals. FD- I've only been on dates with NT girls and have known really only one girl with AS my life. I think it really depends. I mean maybe generally speaking it would be an advantage to be with someone who also has AS but I do think on its own, it won't always work since we've got to have other things working like common interests, mutual attraction, etc. The girl I knew who had Asperger's was a friend and all but I don't think we could have dated. We were too different from each other in our interests and as I said attraction has to happen too. Don't know if she found me attractive or not but I didn't find her in that way.



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20 Mar 2014, 2:33 pm

ToJaFro wrote:
FireyInspiration wrote:
A thought I recently had was that another aspie would be more understanding of their aspie partners needs and feeling when dealing with these issues.


Surely there's a HUGE GAPING fallacy here? Aspergers = lack of empathy and understanding which is usually what causes problems in an AS-NT relationship so it's gonna' be the same in an AS-AS relationship unless their partner doesn't give a rats ass :shrug:.


That's not entirely correct. Aspies don't have a lack of of empathy so much as a lack of ToM (theory of mind) or cognitive empathy. Aspies do, however, have emotional empathy in the sense of sharing feelings with others if they understand where the other person is coming from. Aspies also often understand other aspies better than they understand NT's.



ToJaFro
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20 Mar 2014, 5:19 pm

Jono wrote:
ToJaFro wrote:
FireyInspiration wrote:
A thought I recently had was that another aspie would be more understanding of their aspie partners needs and feeling when dealing with these issues.


Surely there's a HUGE GAPING fallacy here? Aspergers = lack of empathy and understanding which is usually what causes problems in an AS-NT relationship so it's gonna' be the same in an AS-AS relationship unless their partner doesn't give a rats ass :shrug:.


That's not entirely correct. Aspies don't have a lack of of empathy so much as a lack of ToM (theory of mind) or cognitive empathy. Aspies do, however, have emotional empathy in the sense of sharing feelings with others if they understand where the other person is coming from. Aspies also often understand other aspies better than they understand NT's.


Always great to know how my own mind works :huh:.


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mr_bigmouth_502
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20 Mar 2014, 11:27 pm

Empathy is a very difficult concept to comprehend and explain. Personally, I can't walk into a room and immediately tell that someone's in a bad mood, but if I've known them long enough to see their "telltale signs", or if I am told of someone else's misfortune, then I can feel for them.



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21 Mar 2014, 7:04 am

Heh, me and a neurotypical working out is so far out of the realm of possibility, I have a better chance of dating a pink unicorn. It's probably going to be aspie-or-nothing.



Jono
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21 Mar 2014, 2:31 pm

ToJaFro wrote:
Jono wrote:
ToJaFro wrote:
FireyInspiration wrote:
A thought I recently had was that another aspie would be more understanding of their aspie partners needs and feeling when dealing with these issues.


Surely there's a HUGE GAPING fallacy here? Aspergers = lack of empathy and understanding which is usually what causes problems in an AS-NT relationship so it's gonna' be the same in an AS-AS relationship unless their partner doesn't give a rats ass :shrug:.


That's not entirely correct. Aspies don't have a lack of of empathy so much as a lack of ToM (theory of mind) or cognitive empathy. Aspies do, however, have emotional empathy in the sense of sharing feelings with others if they understand where the other person is coming from. Aspies also often understand other aspies better than they understand NT's.


Always great to know how my own mind works :huh:.


I have Asperger's just like you do and I'm only speaking from my own experience as well as what I've read in books by authors like Tony Attwood.



CapriciousAgent
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21 Mar 2014, 6:17 pm

I agree that I "understand" Aspies better, but I worry about a, "blind leading the blind" scenario.



vickygleitz
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21 Mar 2014, 7:10 pm

Blind? Speak for yourself please.