Articulation help for my hubby (NT)

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Hi,

I am new to being an Aspie, or I suppose I should say new to knowing I am one. I have always known there is something different in how I think and process than other people and I finally have an official diagnosis. The problem is I am very high function/coping and my struggle is mostly internal with annoying personal quirks on the outside. I was recently married and my husband is having a hard time accepting that I have Aspergers. He is very loving and supportive, but he thinks it is over diagnosed and has a hard time believing it. I see how my little Aspie traits come in to play more and more in the arguments we have had while dating and married and I really think a good concise explanation would help him understand. He thinks putting a name to it is just excuses and its not necessary and I should just learn to deal with how I struggle. I should just force myself to go to loud stimulating environments and stay even though I get panic attacks. I wish I could convey to him what its like when he doesn't let me know his schedule changed and I get bent out of shape but don't want to. I'm not sure how to come at it since I am a female and most of the Aspie/NT relationship advice I could find was all with the male having Aspergers. Girls think different on a fundamental level. Any advice from females with Aspergers or males dating an Aspie would be appreciated. I think he is mainly just uneducated and to be honest I probably am since I have only realized this for 3 weeks. Thanks.

I don't think I was clear. He doesn't drag me to restaurants and concerts. He loves me and totally understand that I don't want to be there and they bother me. It makes him sad, but he doesn't force it on me. I want him to understand WHY I am like that, that its not just me being disagreeable, but rather that it causes me physical pain.

He also grew up with it forced down his throat that ASD is over diagnosed and doesn't take it seriously. He is willing to learn and believes me and supports me, but it is difficult for him to understand what it is about Aspergers that makes me act and feel the way I do sometimes. I guess its hard for him thinking I am just a little socially awkward to actually putting a name to it. I am just trying to make this transition easier for both of us.

I will NOT be divorcing him. He is one of the nicest sweetest caring people to me, he just doesn't understand this right now. I barely do for the record.

It's your life but read again the bit I bolded. Either you are lying or your husband is more concerned about his own needs than yours. Either he is forcing you "I should just force myself to go to loud stimulating environments and stay even though I get panic attacks." or he isn't " He doesn't drag me to restaurants and concerts.".

He either accepts you faults and all or he doesn't. And while anyone has a right to opinions, the fact that he thinks you are using Aspergers as an excuse to get out of doing things tells me he is someone who is not very supportive and accepting. Perhaps he has Aspergers himself or another form of neuro diverse problem? In my personal experience it's usually the people with personal problems they are trying to suppress that are the least understanding and accepting of the others in similar situations.

If he really cared about you and wanted to understand, he'd be reading up on this at his own and you wouldn't have to be bending over backwards to try and make him understand.

You came here asking for advice but I am not sure you knew what you were asking for. Autistics don't tell you what you want to hear, they tell you the truth. Most people cannot cope with the truth.

Perhaps try showing him this book if you feel that it relates to you:
http://www.amazon.co.uk/Things-Woman-As ... 1849058830

It's short and informal, but it may be a helpful introduction for your husband. The chapters are very short, so he could read the whole book in 1 -2 hours or dip in and out of.

I read it as "He wishes I would push myself to go to these places." But I saw nothing in the OP's post that says he forces her to go.

I agree with AshTrees. I had my husband read that book when I first got diagnosed last year. He was very hesitant to believe my diagnosis, but once he read the book he understood a lot better that I really do have genuine issues, I'm not just being awkward or difficult. I think the author explains things much more clearly than I ever could have, too.

It is very hard for NT's (even caring, loving ones) to even begin to compute how hard it can be for us to be in an overwhelming situation. I couldn't verbalize before how being somewhere loud, or busy with a lot of visual input (like a supermarket), almost physically hurts me.

Tradition says that people should 'just get used to' stuff, and it will improve, but that's not necessarily the way it works. I do try hard to push myself, because I don't want to end up stuck at home never leaving the house (as very tempting as that sounds). Instead, I make accommodations. If I am going to the supermarket, I wear my sunglasses and maybe earphones to listen to calming music. I also have a lie down in a quiet room for half an hour when I get home.

I would like to point out that I am 'high functioning'. I am married, and have held down a job for the last 20 years (including the last few years in management). The coping mechanisms I use now are only what I have learnt in the last year, since my diagnosis. Before that, not knowing what was wrong with me, I tried to live like a 'normal person'. Sometimes I managed stressful situations reasonably well, sometimes I had complete meltdowns. I was constantly on edge, and constantly exhausted. Now I understand Aspergers and myself a lot better, I still try to achieve as much as I can, but I also cut myself a bit more slack. As a result I am a lot happier and less stressed.

I hope your husband can do some reading and come to be a title more understanding of your issues. If anything, Aspergers is under diagnosed in older females. Could whoever diagnosed you have a chat with your husband too, and explain that it is a genuine issue you have, and how he could help more?

Good luck.

TBH you NEED to push yourself into the uncomfortable or you will just end up so withdrawn and blaming ASD for it.

Obviously there are things you will never be capable of doing and you have your limits but I've found pushing my self has really helped me to over come some of my fears, When I was first diagnosed I got a bit slack and just wouldn't try because ASD.

It's easy to start blaming ASD and putting stuff off and it's hard to motivate yourself.

Maybe come to some kind of arrangement with your hubby, I feel maybe some kind of schedule would help.
you'd likely struggle less in busy or loud environments if you knew it was only for a short while and bearable, slowly make the trips longer?

If you don't have friends now then you probably will never will, if you have them do you bloody best to keep them no matter what.

I agree with the books, and I agree about finding a compromise with your husband. Plan socialization with escape routes so you can take a breather, or agree to a set amount of face time as a couple.

WP can be an excellent resource to find ways to articulate your worldview a little easier. I'm still working on this myself, because I never realized I was supposed to.

Good luck.

I don't think it has much to do with your lack of articulation. It is just what he believes about AS. Also, I don't think you can make him understand if he doesn't want to. Call me a pessimist. It has just been my experience that a person either does or does not believe in or care about AS. If they don't take it seriously, it is something to do with them and their attitude about AS, not about how much they care about you. However, if you want him to understand and he doesn't, it can cause a rift in the relationship. You are married to him so you have to decide how important is this issue? If he doesn't change his attitude, how much of a problem are you going to have accepting it? Can you forgive him?

which is why I said you have your limits.

There was a few times when I didn't go outside for 6-12 months because I hated it but, I'm out somewhere almost every day now and would be out right now if it wasn't raining having a 20-40 mile bike ride.

Something I thought I would never be able to do because I'm really anxious about getting lost and not knowing where I am or how to get back home.
I don't think I would be able to ask anyone for directions if I did end up feeling that way and if my bike breaks I've got no one I can call to give me a lift.

It took me a while to build my confidence and for months I was only going 5-10 miles away at the most just doing loops around the local area.
I still feel like I can easily get lost somewhere I don't know but I feel completely comfortable riding from the city centre to a village about 20-25 miles away and back.


I wouldn't say it's got me any confidence in other areas but it's made me a lot happier and it's something I can do if I start to get lonely or depressed.

I doubt I'll ever be able to talk to strangers etc or make friends but at least I'm trying to live my life and not just locking my self away from the NT world I don't belong to based on a label. (I know that sounds like a dig at you op but I don't intent it to be)

Maybe you should list what your biggest issues are in your day to day life and what your biggest fears are, I'm sure there's at least a few on the list you can improve on even if you don't ever fully over come them, your husband needs to be understanding of your disability and give you the assistance and help you need to feel comfortable and protected when placed in situations you hate.

If he's not supportive at all and just puts you down all the time amplifying all your negative thoughts and damaging your confidence and self esteem then maybe you should seriously consider whether that's a relationship you want to be in.

All us male aspies seem to have maybe 1-2 relationships in our life if we are lucky, but the females seem to be almost the opposite so don't feel like if you did leave him you would never find someone else.
I'm not saying you should though that entirely depends on your own feelings and thoughts and how good your relationship is/has been in the past.

One story and a few points.

I went out socializng four days in a row this week, last night being the fourth. The girlfriend was only involved the fourth day. I was agitated on the fourth day and I now realize that I was feeling good the first three days. Now I know that I have limitations for socializing, but I don't know how to push beyond. I also realize as well that the girlfriend has very little understanding of Aspergers Syndrome or Autism as well. I realized after the night was over that I had to communicate with her that my agitation had nothing to do with her and explain that I also don't like being touched when I feel agitated (nor touch anyone else). Plans to see eachother today have been cancelled as well.

What I learned:

1. Understand your limits. Seems you already have. I also realize that I have to figure out how to push them when necessary. The day may come where kids are in the picture and there won't be much of an escape when that happens.
2. Communicate. You have to find a way to communicate with them what they need to know and understand. A failure to do so will result in them taking things personally.
3. Understand that people take things personally as well. Things that people take personally can either be small or big and in the moment they have decided to take things personally, there is nothing you can do to communicate with them. and there will be a refusal to understand where you come from as well.
3a. People also have a habit of not seeing their own actions and behaviours and how they effect others as well.
3b. People also have a tendency to not realize that another person has issues just as they do, but are happier to point out your faults and problems quicker than they will ever work on their own problems.
4. My girl, just like your man with you, will have to accept me as I am. If she is incapable of doing so, then we will likely not last because what she wants and is looking for, she won't find it from me.
5. I have to make sure my primary focus is on her and stop worrying about others. I will burnout much quicker and she will not enjoy her time with me (She did indicate she felt uncomfortable around me last night after she realized I was agitated). Other friends are secondary now.

Thank you guys, This has all been very helpful. Its so nice to finally know why I am the way I am and already it can be easier to cope with some things after reading different suggestions on WP.

We are working on the compromises like being able to leave a stressful overwhelming situation. And not having a meltdown because the routine changed. Its slow work, but he is willing to learn and change its just the initial jolt has been difficult.

Thank you again.