Can you guys give me some advice please?

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Hello everyone.

I'm Dave, nice to meet you all.
I was hoping you guys could answer some questions for me. I would be really grateful.

I spend the whole day trying to figure out what autism means, because I recently discovered (as in today) that the guy I like has autism.
Please forgive me if I ask stupid questions, it's really not my intention to be rude, I just like to learn as much as I can. And if you guys happen to have questions for me, I would love to answer them.

Ok, so there is a guy, who is still a stranger to me, that I really have a crush on.
I see him like 3 to 4 times a week when I take my dog for a walk, and he takes his dog for a walk.

At first I was too shy to approach him, so I walked right past him. This happened a couple of times... But he caught me looking at him a few times as well.
But then I said to myself, if I really want to get to know this guy, then I need to talk to him.
So I said hi and he said hi back, with a huge smile on his face. This alone made me so happy, because I finally made real contact with him.
But I would like to take it a step further.
I just don't know how... I noticed that he doesn't look me in the eyes when he walks past me, but it seems that he always stares at me from a (small) distance.

Anyway, here are a bunch of my questions:

1. How do I approach him? Can I just start a normal conversation with him, or is there a possibility he will be freaked out or something? If so, how do you like to be approached?

2. Can I introduce myself to him and shake his hand?

3. How do I make it clear to him that I like him? Or is it possible he already knows it because I always say hi, even when he doesn't look at me, and he caught me looking at him a few times?

4. How do I need to react if something were to happen? For example, if he doesn't talk back or something.

5. How do I give him the feeling that he can totally be himself around me, and that I would never judge him for who he is?

6. Can I joke around a bit to try and make him laugh to ease the tension?

7. Do you have some extra advice for me?


I really hope you guys can answer my questions, thank you very much.
If I can do anything in return, just ask me.

Greets!

this fellow will probably be very happy for attention. don't assume a mutual attraction just because he responds positively.

How old are you?

1. How do I approach him? Can I just start a normal conversation with him, or is there a possibility he will be freaked out or something? If so, how do you like to be approached?

Just a regular conversation is fine. I could tell you how I like people to converse with me, but I am not him. Autism isn't that homogeneous.

2. Can I introduce myself to him and shake his hand? sure

3. How do I make it clear to him that I like him? Or is it possible he already knows it because I always say hi, even when he doesn't look at me, and he caught me looking at him a few times? Tell him. I would not assume he knows already.

4. How do I need to react if something were to happen? For example, if he doesn't talk back or something. Wait a long time. If he walks away, then assume the conversation is over. (This comes from my personal experience with trouble speaking, particularly quickly. However, not everyone on the spectrum has trouble with speech.)

5. How do I give him the feeling that he can totally be himself around me, and that I would never judge him for who he is? Tell him that (when appropriate) and never judge him or others.

6. Can I joke around a bit to try and make him laugh to ease the tension? yes

7. Do you have some extra advice for me? It may be easier, you can just be direct.


I really hope you guys can answer my questions, thank you very much.
If I can do anything in return, just ask me.

Greets! [/quote]

Thumbnail Autism Primer:

"AUT" = "SELF"

Autism means one's perspective is "stuck inside one's own head" and that understanding what others around you are thinking or feeling is something that does not come naturally.

It starts with the fact that the autistic brain has more neurological sensory receptors than a neurotypical brain. What that means is, a normal person's brain takes in all the incoming sense-related data around them (light, sound, touch, taste, smell, etc) and automatically filters and collates it, determining which signals are urgent, which are of minor importance and which can be safely ignored, and as a result, their view of the surrounding world is an ordered, "common sense" comprehensive Big Picture.

On the other hand, the Autistic brain is constantly overloaded with more sense data than it can process at once, so the incoming data is more an endless tidal wave of details, whose level of importance is not yet determined, so the autistic brain is in an eternal struggle to keep up, always juggling too much information at once and trying to make sense of it all and react to it logically, rather than naturally or gracefully.

As a result, subtleties like nonverbal social signals (body language, facial expressions, etc) are often lost on us. Our social skills tend to be impaired because we are in an endless state of distraction, trying to process all the information we have in this moment, because there's always more coming in right on top of it.

You will often hear the term "lack of empathy" associated with High Functioning Autism and Asperger Syndrome - that is a reference to our poor skills at recognizing nonverbal cues and intuiting what others are thinking or feeling and knowing naturally how to react to it, it does not mean that we are incapable of sympathy or compassion. It may sometimes seem as though we don't care how others are feeling, but that's because we don't usually notice unless we're told and when we do know, we awkwardly have no idea what the appropriate response is supposed to be.




Just understand that social interaction, especially if it's somewhat unexpected, is usually overwhelming for us to try to process, so small talk can be awkward to nonexistent. It may take a while for an autistic person to warm up to you and begin to communicate freely. Also, be aware that if we get started talking about something that is of intense personal interest, it is our nature to sort of take over the conversation and ramble on about that subject as though it were a lecture. We don't mean to bore you, we do that because we're sharing something that's important to us.



Eh, depends on the individual - many autistic people are sensitive to being touched, especially non-intimate, casual touching - we're usually not social huggers and people who touch while they talk are considered very rude. I think a handshake would be okay. By all means introduce yourself.



Looking and smiling are positive social signals, even an autistic person can recognize that, but don't expect him to know what you mean by them. I'm sure he takes it as a friendly gesture, but he will not likely assume that you have a personal interest in him until you make it clear by saying so.



Be prepared for him to speak very little at first. Don't take that as a sign of rejection. Understand that just having you standing near him is going to be overwhelming for a bit, thinking of clever things to say while processing that is next to impossible. You will probably have to carry the conversation at first. Maybe the first few times.



I may just be too cynical to answer that. In my experience, everyone judges you sooner or later. You'll probably be given the benefit of the doubt, until you demonstrate otherwise. Bottom line is, most of us simply are who we are, and we don't have the guile to pretend to be anything else. That's kind of our disorder. We can't pretend to be like the normal people, lying and flattering and blowing sunshine up each other's skirts. Homey don't play dat.



You may read things like "autistic people are incapable of getting sarcasm" - the truth is autistic CHILDREN are very poor at recognizing sarcasm. In childhood, there IS a tendency to take every statement literally, so often common metaphors like "It's raining cats and dogs" are baffling to an autistic kid, who can clearly see that domestic animals are not falling out of the sky.

However, as we grow up, of course we eventually begin to figure out that many of the things people say are not to be taken literally and we do develop a more conventional sense of humor. So joking should be perfectly fine, just keep in mind that while he's getting to know you and your sense of humor, he's likely to take anything you say literally when it first comes out of your mouth. Depending on how outrageous the statement, he may figure out it's a joke right away, or he may puzzle over it wondering why you said something so bizarre and whether you meant it.

To cathylynn:

You have a good point. If I can make him happy though, that would be great. That alone would be worth it.
I guess the only way to figure out whether or not he likes me is to ask him right?

To screen_name:

How old are you?
I just turned 25 years old.

1. Just a regular conversation is fine. I could tell you how I like people to converse with me, but I am not him. Autism isn't that homogeneous.
True, everyone is different. Could you please tell me though how you like people to converse with you? It's not that I expect him to be the same as you, but i'm just curious. I would like to learn and see things from different perspectives.

2. sure
Ok, thanks for telling me.

3. Tell him. I would not assume he knows already.
Ok, thanks for the advice. I don't know whether or not I should tell him yet though because I barely know him, but I would like to tell him eventually. Isn't it better to try and become friends first?

4. Wait a long time. If he walks away, then assume the conversation is over. (This comes from my personal experience with trouble speaking, particularly quickly. However, not everyone on the spectrum has trouble with speech.)
Ok, I will wait. Wouldn't he feel awkward though? Should I say something if I think he feels awkward?
And if he walks away, should I try again next time, or would that be an indication that he wants me to leave him alone?

5. Tell him that (when appropriate) and never judge him or others.
I would never judge him or anyone else, and that goes for everything. I'm not the kind of guy that does that in general.

6. yes
Cool.

7. It may be easier, you can just be direct.
Should I just tell him that I like him then?

By the way, thanks guys for taking the time to answer my many questions, it means alot to me.

I teared up reading this because it so perfectly describes my life.


As to your predicament Dave, bear in mind that this guy may not be gay. He may just be happy to chat to you as another person because autistics are crap at socialising and always sort of grateful for opportunities to meet potential new friends. (or not!?)

I would just start up conversation related to your dogs. I mean, what safer way to engage than that? You can become dog walking buddies in no time and then you can slowly try and find out if he may like you in the same way.

To Willard:

Thanks for the explanation, I appreciate it!

1. Just understand that social interaction, especially if it's somewhat unexpected, is usually overwhelming for us to try to process, so small talk can be awkward to nonexistent. It may take a while for an autistic person to warm up to you and begin to communicate freely. Also, be aware that if we get started talking about something that is of intense personal interest, it is our nature to sort of take over the conversation and ramble on about that subject as though it were a lecture. We don't mean to bore you, we do that because we're sharing something that's important to us.
Ok then, so is it better that I just keep the conversations short at first? So he won't feel awkward that much?
And I completely understand talking passionately about something you like, infact I do it too. That's all fine with me.

2. Eh, depends on the individual - many autistic people are sensitive to being touched, especially non-intimate, casual touching - we're usually not social huggers and people who touch while they talk are considered very rude. I think a handshake would be okay. By all means introduce yourself.
Ok, I didn't know that actually. What happens if you do get touched? What do you feel?

3. Looking and smiling are positive social signals, even an autistic person can recognize that, but don't expect him to know what you mean by them. I'm sure he takes it as a friendly gesture, but he will not likely assume that you have a personal interest in him until you make it clear by saying so.
Ok, i'm starting to understand how important being direct is.

4. Be prepared for him to speak very little at first. Don't take that as a sign of rejection. Understand that just having you standing near him is going to be overwhelming for a bit, thinking of clever things to say while processing that is next to impossible. You will probably have to carry the conversation at first. Maybe the first few times.
Ok, I won't. And I will try my best to do so.

5. I may just be too cynical to answer that. In my experience, everyone judges you sooner or later. You'll probably be given the benefit of the doubt, until you demonstrate otherwise. Bottom line is, most of us simply are who we are, and we don't have the guile to pretend to be anything else. That's kind of our disorder. We can't pretend to be like the normal people, lying and flattering and blowing sunshine up each other's skirts. Homey don't play dat.
Can you explain that to me please? Have you been judged before? In what way?

6. You may read things like "autistic people are incapable of getting sarcasm" - the truth is autistic CHILDREN are very poor at recognizing sarcasm. In childhood, there IS a tendency to take every statement literally, so often common metaphors like "It's raining cats and dogs" are baffling to an autistic kid, who can clearly see that domestic animals are not falling out of the sky.

However, as we grow up, of course we eventually begin to figure out that many of the things people say are not to be taken literally and we do develop a more conventional sense of humor. So joking should be perfectly fine, just keep in mind that while he's getting to know you and your sense of humor, he's likely to take anything you say literally when it first comes out of your mouth. Depending on how outrageous the statement, he may figure out it's a joke right away, or he may puzzle over it wondering why you said something so bizarre and whether you meant it.
I see, I bet there are a ton of misconceptions about autism out there. There is one more question I'd like to ask, because I saw on the internet that people with autism don't care much about other peoples looks. Is that true? That they care more about how a person is?

Again thanks for giving me such great and detailed answers. I asked my best friend for advice first, but it got me nowhere. Now I actually have an idea how to approach this guy, and I want to thank you for that once again.

I like people to converse with me in genuine ways (no small talk). If I ask someone how they are doing, I will stick around to hear the genuine answer. I prefer deeper subjects of an objective intellectual or philosphical bend. I am incredibly slow at speech, so I couldn't do that in the street while walking dogs.

In the street while walking dogs, I could just handle the basics and set up a time to meet at another time. But my speech issues are more severe. I am married (we met at age 2) and most of our communication is via text.

Re: caring about someone's looks, your statement is true for me.

Thanks for the advice. That would be awesome if that were to happen.
But from my experience I usually wake up after those things happen.

And I always keep that in mind, I have a gut feeling that he is though. I'm crossing my fingers.

1. How do I approach him? Can I just start a normal conversation with him, or is there a possibility he will be freaked out or something? If so, how do you like to be approached?

You said that when you see him, both of you are walking your dogs, so this would likely make a good starting point for a conversation. If he sees yours, he will likely be comfortable

2. Can I introduce myself to him and shake his hand?

I'd say that's a good idea, but don't force a handshake on him. Offering it would be best. He might not pick up on the fact that you're offering a handshake due to difficulty recognizing a non-verbal cue, although this one is so well known that it shouldn't be an issue. If however he doesn't recognize it, or doesn't feel comfortable, which is also common for those with autism, its likely not personal, so don't get offended

3. How do I make it clear to him that I like him? Or is it possible he already knows it because I always say hi, even when he doesn't look at me, and he caught me looking at him a few times?

People with autism have a much harder time figuring out if somebody likes them. I have autism and I have picked up on the fact that a couple of girls have liked me, but missed many (other people have told me so-and-so girl liked me). Since you two aren't close that will also be a barrier in him knowing. However, its not impossible that he knows

4. How do I need to react if something were to happen? For example, if he doesn't talk back or something.

Wait a few seconds, then gently ask if he heard you. He might be 'in his own little world', which essentially means daydreaming very deeply. It also might just take him a little longer than most to formulate a response. Be sure to be gentle though, as this isn't his fault

5. How do I give him the feeling that he can totally be himself around me, and that I would never judge him for who he is?

You might just have to outright tell him. He was likely bullied a lot when he was younger due to his autism and may have trust issues with 'being himself' because of it, and might be slightly withdrawn (this is also relevant to question number 4). However, if you're nice enough, he should eventually earn his trust

6. Can I joke around a bit to try and make him laugh to ease the tension?

Sure just try not to be too sarcastic. Wilard pretty much nailed the reason why. If he looks baffled or offended you might have to just say 'I was only joking'. Hopefully this will help. Saying it with a smile on your face might also help, but because that's non-verbal, don't expect that to automatically work.

7. Do you have some extra advice for me

Just be patient, even more so than with any other relationship. Also remember that he might not have very much experience with this type of thing.

Good luck

Just ask him to walk with you, and let the dogs do the leg work. There is your special interest conversation. If you have only said hi to him, how the heck do you know he is autistic??? Are you a troll?

Thanks for your reply.

I understand what you mean. By the way it's amazing that you met each other at the age of 2, that's so sweet.


I don't see a reason why you would think I'am a troll? I'm sorry if I gave you that impression.

I found out yesterday he has autism because it says so on his Facebook page. I didn't know he had autism from just saying hi to him. Like I said I barely understood what autism meant, so I couldn't have jumped to conclusions.

And thanks for the advice.

To FireyInspiration:

1. You said that when you see him, both of you are walking your dogs, so this would likely make a good starting point for a conversation. If he sees yours, he will likely be comfortable
Good point. I will do that.

2. I'd say that's a good idea, but don't force a handshake on him. Offering it would be best. He might not pick up on the fact that you're offering a handshake due to difficulty recognizing a non-verbal cue, although this one is so well known that it shouldn't be an issue. If however he doesn't recognize it, or doesn't feel comfortable, which is also common for those with autism, its likely not personal, so don't get offended
I won't get offended, thanks for the explanation.

3. People with autism have a much harder time figuring out if somebody likes them. I have autism and I have picked up on the fact that a couple of girls have liked me, but missed many (other people have told me so-and-so girl liked me). Since you two aren't close that will also be a barrier in him knowing. However, its not impossible that he knows
I see. So he might have thought something like why is this guy staring at me or something?

4. Wait a few seconds, then gently ask if he heard you. He might be 'in his own little world', which essentially means daydreaming very deeply. It also might just take him a little longer than most to formulate a response. Be sure to be gentle though, as this isn't his fault
Ok.

5. You might just have to outright tell him. He was likely bullied a lot when he was younger due to his autism and may have trust issues with 'being himself' because of it, and might be slightly withdrawn (this is also relevant to question number 4). However, if you're nice enough, he should eventually earn his trust
He doesn't know that I know he has autism though, wouldn't he find that weird? How do I say something like that?

6. Sure just try not to be too sarcastic. Wilard pretty much nailed the reason why. If he looks baffled or offended you might have to just say 'I was only joking'. Hopefully this will help. Saying it with a smile on your face might also help, but because that's non-verbal, don't expect that to automatically work.
Ok I understand.

Just be patient, even more so than with any other relationship. Also remember that he might not have very much experience with this type of thing.
Thanks for the advice. And I will.
I probably will see him tomorrow again, so I will keep you guys updated to how things went.

Good luck
Thank you.

1. How do I approach him? Can I just start a normal conversation with him, or is there a possibility he will be freaked out or something? If so, how do you like to be approached?

Sure, go for it, we're human too and actually enjoy it if a pretty woman we see every day walking her dog says hello.

2. Can I introduce myself to him and shake his hand?

Yep, but I might avoid the handshake as it appears a bit formal.

3. How do I make it clear to him that I like him? Or is it possible he already knows it because I always say hi, even when he doesn't look at me, and he caught me looking at him a few times?

The odd compliment would probably help, just make sure that it looks as if you're interested in him.

4. How do I need to react if something were to happen? For example, if he doesn't talk back or something.

Just try again the next day, and the day after that, and keep going until the magic starts to happen.

5. How do I give him the feeling that he can totally be himself around me, and that I would never judge him for who he is?

The only thing I can think of here is not to panic if something unexpected happens. Some of us have these things called 'meltdowns' where the intense pressure of the situation makes us want to be elsewhere, quickly.

6. Can I joke around a bit to try and make him laugh to ease the tension?

Sure, good idea.

7. Do you have some extra advice for me? Smile

Have you always been this wonderful or did you take a course somewhere?

Have you always been this wonderful or did you take a course somewhere?

That's so nice of you to say, thank you for the compliment!
I feel the same about you guys! I mean, i'm just some stranger, yet you take the time to help me out, I really appreciate it.

Also thanks for answering my questions, I now have a much better understanding of it all.

Now I just need to actually do it...
It's not easy though, I get so nervous around him. It's like I don't want to screw up the first impression.