Is anyone lowering their standards or willing to settle?

Post Reply New Topic

Am a woman with AS, and Ive had no luck with dating. I am not terrible looking but been on a lot of dates that just fizzled. Usually, RL dates have led to initial interest, but then for whatever reason they stop calling or flake out. Online my results are abysmal.... lots of chat but then i get ghosted. (It's worse online because they have gotten to know my personality pretty well )

IRL, i've had dates with people from all walks of life; some guys have been unemployed, or homeless, mentally ill (like i am- in addition to the AS), but it has led nowhere. There is no lasting interest...

The only standards i really have are that I wouldn't date anyone that is selfish or nasty. Just wondering if there is something so unappealing about my personality, that it is worse than say other traits... BTW I don't think Im desperate or at least hope I dont come across that way (for example, I don't 'chase' if someone is not interested)

Am wondering why when I observe couples, they are from all walks of life and, what may superficially be considered 'damaged'...... Yet my own experiences are so different? i feel like Im not good enough for anyone

Or to put it this way, why is it that no one is willing to settle.... while at the same time, a lot of people appear to be settling? (example: I attend a mental health clinic, and a lot of people there are couples )

Are people out there really settling, or is there something Im missing?? Or are some personality traits (like my own) so unappealing that everyone will be repelled?

I, personally, am willing to settle but still I have standards, mainly that the person isn't mean.

Interested to know your thoughts or experiences (male or female)

I've settled - my boyfriend doesn't read much and virtually nothing other than newspapers, investment reports. I read two books a week. It's less of a big deal than I'd anticipated. I'd also (prior to meeting him) relaxed my standards by being open to dating guys who were divorced and/or had kids.

I think everybody settles - and that's probably a good thing.

I haven't even known a girl long enough to know what the "standards" are. :/

_________________
Ya, I'm weird like that...

I don't think that 'not mean' is too high of a bar. There may be something you're doing that turns people off; without knowing you, I'd say that the best way to figure it out is to talk about it with your therapist.

That's the only good thing about not having standards: you can't lower them.

No plans on settling anytime soon. There are still some points on my "list" that are deal breakers - job, politics, religion, personality and "MUST LOVE CATS". If I go to my grave never finding my Hunny, then that's the way God planned it I guess.

With my first girlfriend, both just turned 18, I had no standards. That's not to say she was terrible, but at the time I just wanted to be wanted, and she seemed to want me.

I was in the midst of a nervous breakdown, somewhere between ungrounded impulsivity and almost catatonic obliviousness. She wanted to replay her just-finished relationship where she'd been dumped.

It didn't really work out. So, standards are good.

Coupledom is an odd thing. I've been married a fair while, and I don't really get it. I was lucky to find an odd woman.

There may be something about you that puts people off - do you have anyone who knows you who you can ask?

Is there a pattern in the kind of men you go for? Or in the kind of men you draw?

To me it's not about lowering standards but being realistic. Would I go for the women who makes a lot of money and travels all the time? No. It's not that I would be threatened by someone successful but it is almost a guarantee they wouldn't give me the time of day and would look for a man that is equal to their status so to speak. At the same time, going for someone unappealing just because they are the only ones who show interest would be a stupid move as well. It's a waste of time for both parties involved. But to me being alone is always the better option than being with the wrong person and I will take my peace and quiet any day.

How old are you? I'll be your boyfriend. We can go play chess online then troll noobs in chat rooms for our first date. It'll be fun.

No. My standards are already well below what if prefer if I could.

I just want someone I find attractive, playful, kind,loving,sweet, doesn't hunt, basically isn't mean and won't abuse me.