Support girlfriend whose father may have cancer

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Hi,

My girlfriend's father may or may not have cancer. They've found something in his torso but multiple examinations over the past month failed to conclude what it is. They're going to do a biopsy asap to get to the bottom of it.

I'm struggling with two problems here:
I am gasping at straws here how to adequately support my girlfriend. More specifically when texting/calling her. When she's with me I sort of manage, I think: I ask her how she's doing, what I can do to help, I hold her, I try to distract her a bit and cheer her up (when it seems she needs to get her mind off of it) and so on.

But the confines of non-physical communication in this case really irk me. I cannot seem to put these "methods" of reassuring and caring into spoken or written words, they just feel empty, overly formal and impersonal, or .. simply stupid. Because I'm cramming for exams, and she has work, it's quite difficult to be with her all the time. It would be no difficulty for me to study at her house when she's there, but she says it's not necessary.

She's very understanding of my Aspergers' and supports me in my troubles. But in a case as serious/grave as this (is and might become), I cannot in any case count on her understanding or support. I need to be the one to support her the best possible way, my autism be damned. (I'm already feeling kind of guilty of thinking about how I have to handle this, when she's the one who it's all about.)

She knows I'm there for her, but I want to be able to help her without her having to ask/tell me specifically what I need to do.

Added confounding factors:
Her mother passed away some years ago from cancer after a quite gruesome battle. So for one, she's extra piqued of course, because it seems like history might repeat itself. Secondly, she's been through all the people giving support by making false promises like "it's going to be okay", "don't worry, the doctors will cure her", and so on.
Secondly, she can be quite closed off, and sometimes even critical of overt support. I guess because she kind of tries to ignore the problem a bit, and another person can make the issue too visible to ignore. (Which is completely normal behavior might I add, but makes it more difficult.)

So, how do I deal with this situation, specifically with:
- Giving her support through verbal and written communication.
- And, beyond and above that: assessing and fulfilling her needs of support and care without her having to come to me, or tell me explicitly, to get it. I.e. how do I anticipate what she needs?

Thanks,
Adrian

You can't comfort via texting as good as in real, it's impossible. Texting has its limitations, it's not your AS.
Just try be there for her physically as much as possible.

One, if she does open up and start talking, don't shut her up unless your exam is about to start without you. If she pauses, wait, or ask questions along the lines of "how did he feel about that" or "so then what did he do", or make sympathetic comments like, "that must have been hard" or some such. If you're tired when she starts, get up while listening, make some tea, but stay awake.

Find out what she'll be doing to help her father, and help her with that. Keep her apartment clean, have dinner ready for her, see that she doesn't have to worry about anything but her dad and work.

If it'd help to do research on his condition, do.

A few ideas, there. Good luck to your girlfriend's dad. It's true, btw, that not all cancers are dangerous ones.

I'm NT. My lover's mother has been ill and in hospital. Via txt I say things to him like "Hey how's it going?", "How's your mom?" I ask questions. Via text all you have to do is demonstrate that you're thinking about her and her dad.

It's ok to be a bit distracted by exams. Never mind AS, this happens to everyone.

You cannot control what other people say about her father's illness. Just don't fall into this trap yourself. Of course she's going to be worried about this, and perhaps more irrationally or pessimistically than people who haven't had a parent die of cancer already. Via txt just keep things calm and open. It's easy to pass on confusing messages via text - especially to someone who isn't in a good frame of mind because of their own stress. But it's really important to send messages like "I was just thinking about you, doing ok?" before going into your own exam issues.