Trying to understand both sides of attraction.

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I was just reading through a book called "The Mastery of Love" by Don Miguel Ruiz. and this is a book I would recommend for the spiritualist people on this forum as well as I got a different idea of attraction from what I am used to. A couple of ideas that related to the sex and attraction part of what I read.

First off, the guy points out in some of his books that everyone grows up with belief systems and a set of morals. We have morals such as "I will not sleep with a person I am not in a relationship with." Or "I will not sleep with a person that I don't love." Now my thought is that everyone always has pretty strict morals about who they should date and not date and the rules for how to achieve them. Of course, we also have certain dating gurus who seem to believe that getting over our shyness and confidence issues is the way to go (this is a good idea itself, but sometimes the context in which to do so may not be as good as the idea).

Now, when he speaks of the attraction, he does what he can to explain how a lady might feel. A lady sees a man she is attracted to at the gym (the gym is used for my illustration). She doesn't speak to him, and later on at home she either thinks about this man or she does not. If she does, the attraction will build if she starts to think about how attractive that man was. She sees this same man the next day and she builds up that feeling or attraction again and this creates the tension. He approaches her and the two start to talk and she feels great about the experience and the attraction builds. Eventually the attraction builds to the point where when she sleeps with the man, the tension she felt is released, but builds up again until the next time she sleeps with this man.

However, she starts feeling guilty and starts acting in a manner that is self-destructive. Her thoughts and her mind are telling her that she has been bad since she went against her morals by sleeping with a man that she didn't love or wasn't in a relationship with. This keeps going on until she breaks the cycle with the man and they stop sleeping together. Now what would the guy likely do when this happens? It is believed that he would likely leave and go to the next girl that would sleep with him. Now the girl feels even worse because now she knows she wasn't loved by this man.

On the other side of the coin (and my opinion): Guys are trying to find a way to make a girl feel attracted to them, and after understanding attraction from this point of view, I can see why any girl might come across as resentful to you when you try the PUA tricks. She is likely going to remember how it felt in previous experiences. What could have happened? Keep in mind that her side of the equation is that she may be trying to justifty breaking her morals to be with a man she was attracted to instead of taking responsibility and moving forward.

The man who might be aware that this girl was attracted to him likely used her for sex for as long as he could before he was cut off. Now this guy might actually justifty or rationalize why she may have made the decision to do so and often they believe "it's because another guy is in the picture." Well.. no. More often than not, a guy can't deal with the insecurities he might have about himself, so blaming someone else seems like a better option.

I'm sure some may have some interesting opinions to share, or comments to make.

Thanks for sharing this helpful look sex and attraction. Along with lust, liking, limerance, love, and bonding, I have found that all of these are complex and worthy of study, as evidenced by the number of books returned when searching Amazon on any of these topics.

My experience has been that having shared values and beliefs (e.g. morals) is important for me in order for a relationship to progress beyond an initial coffee or one-night stand. Getting to know someone else's values and beliefs (both espoused and real) usually takes time, and if along the way one or both parties chooses to temporarily set aside their morals then, yeah, the stage is set for what I call a "boundary snap" should thing not go as hoped for.

Women are not fragile flowers allowing our pure and precious bodies to be used for hateful sex in order to gain twue everwasting love. Sometimes we are just horny. Sometimes we sleep with a man we don't love and we are happy because we had a great time.

Men are not evil beasts forever trying to trick women into touching their horrid penises. Sometimes they even fall in love! (Men, if I am wrong and you are in fact evil beasts who are forever trying to trick women into touching your horrid penises, feel free to correct me.)

^^^^

Noone in this thread so far ever said that women are fragile or delicate flowers, nor did anyone say that all men are evil beasts. This was looking at attraction from a different perspective and you did make the great point that the shoe can definitely be on the other foot (men experiencing this pain).

But a great point not mentioned that is important to remember is that every relationship has two halves: your own and the other person's. Each person is responsible for their own half of the relationship (ie, everyone has to take care of their own issues and not expect the partner to do it for them). I loosely alluded to that in the final two paragraphs of my initial post.

In my experience so far, the person that gets really attached often fails to see the other person for who they are as well.

I'm totally confused, not sure what it is you're trying to understand. Nothing you've described has anything to do with relationships I've had or those my friends have had.

It's 2014, and unless you live in a deeply religious community, I think you're pretty unlikely to meet women who're going to be ashamed of sleeping with some hot guy from the gym. Deeply religious communities also place a pretty high premium on modesty and tend to ferociously regulate/chaperone the hookups, so the hardbodies scenario's kind of unlikely.

My experience from college on, btw, says that people have anything but strict morals about who they sleep with.

I'm also not seeing anything about the guy that says PUA. Two people attracted to each other, the girl has inner conflicts and breaks it off, and the guy moves on -- nope, not PUA. Maybe you should watch some Sex and the City. It's a horrible vapid show but truer to life about women and sex. Look for the episode where Carrie calls her rebound boy and makes the mistake of trying to be interested in him as a person, rather than a hot and reliable f**kbuddy, and finds out he's unbelievably dumb. He's not too keen on her, either, as it turns out. They're fabulous in bed but nowhere else.

I can't remember if that's the episode with the other sad, true thing: a hot guy in the building across from Miranda's keeps showing up and doing this seductive striptease in front of the window; Miranda's shocked, then starts reciprocating. *Embarrassing*, because it turns out he's stripping for the gay guy upstairs from her. Oops.

Women dislike PUAs because they're lying, manipulative creeps who view women as walking vaginas.

Well I must be very old fashioned. Because I have felt that way before. Not because I felt dirty, or like I should have been saving myself for marriage ( I have been married though). But more because for me there is emotion attached to sex. And I can't sleep with someone just because they're attractive. I want more than that. I'm not good at flings, or friends with benefits. I've only had one night stand once in my life. He seduced me. But I have given into flings and friends with benefits situations a few times in the past, hoping it would become more. Even though the other person wasn't willing to give me more. And it made me feel bad in the end.

I'm older now and not going to repeat the past.

[quote="aspiemike"]I was just reading through a book called "The Mastery of Love" by Don Miguel Ruiz. and this is a book I would recommend for the spiritualist people on this forum as well as I got a different idea of attraction from what I am used to. A couple of ideas that related to the sex and attraction part of what I read.

If you are a guy, never take dating advice from somebody called "Don Miguel".
(Also, never eat @ a restaurant called "Mom's", never play cards with a man called 'Slick", & never bed down beside somebody with more problems than you.")
If you are a women, never date anyone called "Don Miguel". It might lead to Salsa.

Unfortunately there aren't really any rules. You've just got to play it by ear with the person you are attracted to. Sorry, but that's just life. Generally you just have to find someone that shares your values and treat that other person with respect.

interesting. the impression I am getting for posting something from a different perspective is that people here think that they should tell me 'I'm wrong' for having a different opinion, or they want to teach me how they feel the world works. Yet, i have a couple people that relate to what I had written as well.

Tarantella64 in here gives me the impression that "Sex in the City" is more educational than any experience. I have ever had, or any book I have read. I have seen similar scenarios such as what you presented to me in real life with myself and with some friends. I have understood a lot about attraction, and perhaps this thread title was a typo. It more or less should say 'different perspective on attraction.'

Of course, NinsMom sarcastically suggests that I don't take dating advice from a person named Don Miguel. Not sure where I said take dating advice from him. This book is about more than attraction, it is all about self-love and the obvious message many people in here have said to others before but seemingly ignore (learn to love self first). I thought I had pointed out the self-love thing in my second post by pointing out 'you are responsible for your half of the relationship.'

the girl in the first post was used to illustrate a point, albeit it was similar to what the guy described in his book. what is described is how her belief system can in fact screw things up and also how hormones can do it too. self-control is another topic brought up in the book.

there is no mention of PUA in the book I read. there was no mention of the other guy and what he might be going through as I added that in my initial post to describe what insecurities a guy seemingly has when their girl dumps them. The self-destructive thoughts and behaviour... I'm certain everyone can relate to a degree.

Attraction is so complex. Men ad women are both different, and any time anyone tries to get advice, they are bombarded with the assumption that all men are the same, and all women are also the same, when nothing could be further from the truth. There's a lot of valid points in this thread, but nobody ever will fully understand 'attraction'

[quote="aspiemike"]interesting. the impression I am getting for posting something from a different perspective is that people here think that they should tell me 'I'm wrong' for having a different opinion, or they want to teach me how they feel the world works. Yet, i have a couple people that relate to what I had written as well.

Tarantella64 in here gives me the impression that "Sex in the City" is more educational than any experience. I have ever had, or any book I have read. I have seen similar scenarios such as what you presented to me in real life with myself and with some friends. I have understood a lot about attraction, and perhaps this thread title was a typo. It more or less should say 'different perspective on attraction.'

Of course, NinsMom sarcastically suggests that I don't take dating advice from a person named Don Miguel. Not sure where I said take dating advice from him. This book is about more than attraction, it is all about self-love and the obvious message many people in here have said to others before but seemingly ignore (learn to love self first). I thought I had pointed out the self-love thing in my second post by pointing out 'you are responsible for your half of the relationship.'


[i][b]
[b*********] I must apologize for that comment. I was not sure about the author, "Don Miguel Ruiz" & his back ground. (The 1st "Don's" that come to mind are "Don Juan, Don Quixote, Don Giovanni, & the other famous Don Juan of Carlos Casteneda's books.) I was not aware that this title is used as frequently in The New World as it is.

********* Quoting from Wkipedia : "The honorific title Don is widely used in Latin America. This is the case of the Mexican New Age author Don Miguel Ángel Ruiz,[4] the Chilean television personality Don Francisco,[5] and the Puerto Rican industrialist and politician Don Luis Ferre,[6] among many other figures. The title Don is considered highly honorific, more so than, for example, academic titles such as "Doctor" or than political titles such as "Governor." For example, although Puerto Rican politician Pedro Albizu Campos had a doctoral degree, he has been titled Don.[7] Likewise, Puerto Rican Governor Luis Muñoz Marin has often been called Don Luís Muñoz Marin instead of Governor Muñoz Marin.[8] In the same manner, Don Miguel Ángel Ruiz is an M.D.[9]

*********** Anyway, the comment was not meant to be dismissive or flippant.[/b][/b][/i]




the girl in the first post was used to illustrate a point, albeit it was similar to what the guy described in his book. what is described is how her belief system can in fact screw things up and also how hormones can do it too. self-control is another topic brought up in the book.

there is no mention of PUA in the book I read.
[i][b][b]
******** I have not read the book so I was not sure what was being said about PUA & where it was being said. Agreed about hormones & self control. (& probably her belief system too.)[/b]
******** I found the post a bit confusing, because I was not sure where the book's content's began & ended & where the O.P.'s began & ended. I have re-read it a few times again, & still am not sure about who's content is who's.[/b][/i]

there was no mention of the other guy and what he might be going through as I added that in my initial post to describe what insecurities a guy seemingly has when their girl dumps them. The self-destructive thoughts and behaviour... I'm certain everyone can relate to a degree.[/quote]

The last two full paragraphs are all my opinion.
The rest of what I had written: You will see some of my own mixed in there for sure. But most of what the is said about the girl... all the author. I mention the dating gurus who suggest things out of context, not him. The morals stated early on can be a bit of both.