pushing people away that you love

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I've done this my whole life... anytime i meet someone remotely interesting I push them away.... I come up with reasons.. and I push them away... I think i'm scared... I don't know... I feel i'm not good enough

the minute I feel any sense of doubt over that person wanting to be with me I start feeling all self concious and unworthy.... I feel like I need to run... as far away as possible. i've been asked about my fears and I thought I knew what they were but I forgot about my biggest one... dissapointing people I care about.

what is the definition of hell? Knowing what you want, what you love, and what you need.. and being unable to hold on to it.

Sounds more like a self-defeating personality to me. You don't seem to believe that you deserve good things.

You don't want to hurt these people so you keep them at a distance. I think this is the opposite of disappointing them (which *might* happen should you become intimate, or it might not - you should know yourself best), but at the expense of your own happiness, possibly? It could help to try if you could give a relationship your all and be happy in it, then worry about things you haven't done.

Do they know you care? And are these people you talk about, love interests and did you have a relationship with them, or not even reached that point?

I think so. complicated long distance relationship. most amazing person i've ever spoken to

Well then, just enjoy it JacobV. Life is too short, and it's so hard (at least in my experience) to find someone whom one can feel connected to. If it goes wrong, it goes wrong, but you won't avoid it happening if thats how it will go, however what you *can* do is have fun and be happy while it lasts. And who knows? Might last forever. Give yourself a chance!

Agree with above.

Don't concern yourself with what may be other people's reaction to you that is for them to decide and for you to acknowledge. Often it takes one side to take the initiative to make something happen out of nothing, men are generally that one side.

I know exactly what you mean, I've done it before. It wasn't love - not yet, but I think it could have become that; it was my first time feeling many new things and I was often confused about how I felt, but I believe that's a sign that it was headed that way. However, I felt that I wasn't who could make her happy; that I couldn't give her what she wanted and that she needed someone more capable. I felt that if I let things start I was going to fall flat on my face and only end up hurting both of us - if it was only my feelings at risk then I could have handled it.

That time the push turned out to be right, but for completely different reasons than I thought, and not of my own fault. Next time, though, I'm going to try to remind myself that I'm a really good person even if I have problems. Everyone has problems, but not everyone is me - I have something different to offer, even if it's hard for me to accept that I have much to offer. Maybe it isn't the quantity of traits, but the quality of them; and in that respect I think I stand out. Maybe I'm not the most active and diverse person, maybe I get stuck in depressive stages, maybe I'm struggling for a direction in life, but my loyalty to my target of affection is unrivaled, my honesty knows no bounds, sex is no option for me until there is love, and my desire for communication about feelings is beyond what I see even in NTs (even though my feelings work differently); those are things worth recognizing and things that are valuable to someone out there in the world.

Maybe that kind of thinking can help you, too, to really determine what parts of you are exceptionally deep and make you stand out from what is expected. When you notice that you don't feel good enough, realize that this very feeling is proof that you are thinking in a way that is different from many. You're considering that person you care for, you don't want to "mess up" and hurt them - many people don't do this, they just go after whoever they can get even if they see signs that it's not a good fit, for some short-term satisfaction and end up causing a lot of pain.

Good people deserve good things, and we must accept that we are good people even if we are not perfect. Considering if you are healthy for someone is not your flaw, it is a sign that you care - the flaw is in having a skewed sense of self-worth, which in turn makes you incorrectly judge if you are healthy for them. I'm not a master of this way of thinking, I fail it frequently, but I know that it is a truth that I need to pursue and improve with if I am ever going to allow myself to be happy in life.

That was goof Deuterium. Just when I think I can find no comfort and like minded people, I always forget about here. That really touched a raw nerve I guess. Maybe I might have Borderline too, I don't know. Nica chatting you you guys, x

I am sorry to hear that. I do the same thing too. It is an involuntary response. I can flirt and have sex and have relationships with people I don't feel that way about. When I am confronted with the possibility of a relationship where I love her and she loves me back, I panic. It's all about self-worth. I don't know of any solution to this problem, but that doesn't mean their isn't one. Don't beat yourself up though. It's not your fault. Maybe you can learn not to do this the next time now that your recognize the pattern.

I panic too. I didn't used to. When I was younger I just used to tell guys if I liked them... they never liked me back, so I think I began to distrust my judgement. Now I just get stressed when I have a crush on someone.

Now that I'm older and I've been living on my own for so long I am used to my routines and my own space, I don't know how I am going to manage to let someone into my life now. I think I would find it very difficult.

I have a crush on this man I've known for a few years, but I hardly ever see him. I feel like we get on well when I do see him. Part of me thinks I might as well tell him because it's not like it will ruin our friendship, we hardly see each other, but I'm not in a place anymore where I feel comfortable about having a relationship with someone. I feel like I built a wall up around me to keep myself safe and now I don't know how to remove it. I need someone very patient.

If he liked me back what the hell would I do?

It's quite sad that hurt or fear prevents people from taking chances. I speak for myself too, as in the last I have always felt it safer to leave someone, not engage, or block out the idea altogether.

Its actually quite fascinating that we have the insight as to why we possibly do this, but yet it is still very difficult to come out from behind the walls we built.

The problems with these things is that often they become a self fulfilled prophecy.

What holds me back is thinking that the chance I took might actually make my life worse. I have a good life now, why would I ruin that? I am only 20% conviced that a relationship might actually bring happiness into my life, the other 80% is me thinking that it might actually not be something that I really want or would enjoy.

Afterall I heard someone say the other day, "If my husband died I think I would probably stay single. I would probably enjoy being single again." So many people complain about their relationships. Older people tell me just to be happy on my own because the chances are I'll only get hurt anyway. I keep getting told to appreciate my freedom because I'll look back on it and miss it. I've started to believe them. Why would they be lying?

I may not be in the same boat right now as those who believe that being single is going to make my life better. Not going to say it makes my life worse either, or any easier. All I know is that I wasn't ready for the relationship I am in now when the chance presented itself. I just didn't want to miss the chance and find out later on that it was "too little too late". No regrets here.

I used to think that I was in love with a very emotional man. He wove these wonderful tales of love. He was very romantic and there was something about him that just drew me in. He was so open and very easy for me to read, I just felt comfortable with him, but I look back now and I wonder if it was all just very over the top. Was I entertained, enthralled, confused by an illusion?

It didn't go anywhere and I took a long time to get over him. I couldn't bare the thought of not seeing him anymore, but now a few years have passed I feel fine. I maybe miss him from time to time, but I can live perfectly happily without him. I don't need him.

I think that has made me feel like love doesn't matter. If I can walk away from him I can walk away from anyone. I'm cynical about love now. I feel like the "love" was just an illusion, or like taking a drug and it wasn't real. What I have now is real.

He's still a romantic and would vehemently disagree with me. He thinks I'm missing out. (not on him, just missing out on love in general.) That's probably one of the biggest reasons things didn't work out. We just weren't compatible. I just don't see love as being the be all and end all of everything. Maybe I never really believed him...

I actually feel angry now that I was caught up in his spell. I feel like a fool. I wonder how many other women were taken in and hurt by him.

I've seen people say this and then end up being in a relationship again anyway. I believe they only say it because they're being spiteful after having a break up, or are spiteful for being alone again, or are spiteful because they are in a bad relationship and don't have what it takes to end it. I believe that people who say this rarely mean it as actual advice, but are talking to themselves more than they are talking to you - trying to justify some part of their lives or otherwise make themselves feel more wise than they really are.

You'll never live your own life if you live your lessons through the experiences of others; take them into account, sure, but they are not you, they do not think like you, they did not choose the same person you would have and interact with them as you would have. People are enormous collections of factors, and a relationship is a combination of two of them (sometimes more, but we'll stay with convention for the time being) - nobody else's relationships can be trusted as an accurate reflection of how yours will unfold. Will you be hurt? Sure, maybe. I was hurt before it even reached formal commitment - lied to in the 'prologue' of what would-have-been a relationship. And I was hurt before that by someone who mislead me into thinking they wanted a relationship when they were only interested in my body.

My only experiences have turned out to be terrible ones, I actually have tangible reasons to avoid relationships, not just lame advice from other people, but I don't say that as advice for others to avoid relationships, nor am I going to use it for that purpose, myself. I'm not going to let these two people represent all of the chances I could have to be happy with someone, I won't let them ruin my chances at experiences that I know are simply beyond what I can understand yet. I'm not ready to give up, I don't want to keep being lonely, and a sample size of two people doesn't represent everyone I could meet and potentially have something good with in the world.

If relationships aren't for you, that's fine. Some people don't want them, there is no crime in that. If you are happy and satisfied with your life, then by all means you are doing okay. I'm not satisfied yet, though; maybe I have to 'walk through fire' and get hurt a bit, or learn something about myself that I didn't know before, or feel suuuuuuuuper stupid about something I thought was real but wasn't, before I get the reward of someone I really synchronize with. Or maybe I'll try and try and not find that person, and end up a depressed grouch who thinks back on how naive I was - but that's not far from what I already feel like, so what do I really have to lose?