Someone's kid being a reason to not wanna date them?

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So first off, in no way am I saying that if you have a kid that makes you untouchable or a bad person or anything. I'm just simply making this post as a matter of venting I guess and seeing what other peoples' opinions are on the matter. Last year about this time a girl randomly messaged on Plenty of Fish. To this day shes been like one of 3 people to ever so such a thing and about only one out of 4 people I've met in real life as a result of that site. We hung out for most of the day but after that we kinda lost touch because her cell was disconnected shortly later. She gave me her house phone to call while she was with her parents, but at the time I wasn't off work till 10:30 at night which meant it was near 11 PM when I got home and I didn't think her parents would appreciate the phone ringing at that hour. She had brought her kid that time but he was barely a year old so mostly all he did was sleep the whole time and I barely knew he was there. I got back in touch with her this Sept and we started hanging out a lot more. I doubt it'll turn into anything dating wise, I think part of why she invited me over so much is because she just wants a friend or someone to talk too, and I'm lucky to even have a girl acknowledge my existence in real life after they know that I'm autistic so I guess I'm not complaining. Anyways, her kid is now a couple months short of turning 2, obviously a big difference between how he is now with when I first hung out with her.

Her baby daddy has never been in the picture, she got married to someone else then divorced less than 2 years later, it was actually a few months before I first hung out with her. The way I see it, at that point when the kid wasn't even one then he probably didn't have enough sense of awareness to be attached to anyone else but her, and now that she lives alone in her appt and can't drive he seems to have what I call this really unhealthy attachment to her. Since I've been over there so often he refers to me by name and wants me to play with him and stuff, but if hes cranky or in a bad mood its nearly unbearable to be around there. If he notices shes gone or not there he'll throw a nuclear meltdown bad enough to where if hes in a mood she can't even go to the bathroom by herself for less than 45 seconds without him about ready to nearly kick the bathroom door down or rip it off its hinges. She still breast feeds him, granted I'm no expert in raising kids so maybe I don't know what I'm talking about here, but to me that almost seems a little old to still be doing that at nearly 2 years, and the major problem is they sleep in the same bed together. So the problem is he won't go to bed unless shes laying there with him and he can't just go to sleep either, he'll have to keep switching sides every 10 seconds. It can take us 3 hours to watch an hour and half long movie when shes trying to put him to bed, and if he wakes up during that time its back to step 1, because he won't just fall back asleep. If she doesn't get a handle on some of these things now I think the kid is gonna turn into even more of a monster.

She tells me quite often that I'm like the only person that can be alone with him and he won't flip out much. Sometimes she could step outside her appt to go take the trash out to her dumpster or do her laundry and he'd be ok with me with a movie on or playing toys with him, but if he was in a mood he'd just throw a screaming tantrum by the door and keep trying to get it open. He's not strong enough to pull the front door open as its a heavy door, but he knows that the locks have something to do with making it open, so its only a matter of time till hes able to open it and at that point I think the only thing stopping him would be to physically restrain him away from the door....

Last week she got a job, mind you she hasn't had one since before she got pregnant. He has to be in day care while shes gone for 8 hours and thats probably the longest hes had to be away with her. I hadn't seen her for a week and 2 days (mind you I was seeing her like 4 days a week or more prior to this). Needless to say his unhealthy attachment to her is like 10 times worse now because now if she goes somewhere he thinks that she'll be gone for hours now. I went there to see her after not being over there for that long and I cannot believe after only a short time how much more of a monster this kid is now. Hes picked up on all these bad things/habits from the other kids (mostly the "mine" thing) and now if she steps out of her appt for 3 mins or so to do thing things I mentioned earlier its just an instant screaming tantrum the entire time till she comes back. She tells me to just try to distract him with a toy or something, which prior to all this may have worked, but now he just throws it on the ground and goes right back to the door screaming and trying get the door open. I actually went home that night after all his screaming and everything with a migraine bad enough to where I had to take pills and I never take pills unless I really have too so that tells you something.....

Again, I don't know if this girl is dating material or not, she tells me I'm her best friend, but has never led me to believe she'd want anymore then that. I'm used to it because I've gone practically my whole life with no romance other then a few brief moments here and there throughout my life. But her kid right now is enough of a deterrent that I've actually resented going over there to see her now because as much as I miss her, I'd rather not have to deal with her kid and his screaming and everything. Hanging with her as often as I have has really opened my eyes about having kids, and I can tell you right now that I'm in no rush to have any, and sadly may not want any at all. Because if I can barely handle someone else entrusting me to watch their kid for 5 mins, what am I supposed to do when its my own? I'm at an age right now where finding a girl close to my age is a rare gem, and I think in my city its even worse because most of the population it seems got pregnant right after high school and had multiple kids before they even turned 21 so at times I feel like I'm doomed because I'd rather find someone that doesn't have a kid, but that seems very few and far here.

Keep in mind that the child here is not yet even 2 years old, and 2 year old's don't tend to behave all that well. That kind of behavior is pretty much guaranteed to improve with times.

As for a possible relationship with this girl, I think you are right to be wary. When dating a woman with a child, this relationship is now a package deal: both her and the child. And if you don't like being around the child, no relationship with this woman is worth it, especially a romantic relationship.

All that detail about the kid was unnecessary. You don't love the child and the mom is somebody you would settle for, not love passionately. Run away before you hurt one of them or one of them hurts you.
It is not evil that you can't make yourself love this kid intensely the way he needs. Either you do or you don't, and you don't. She may not be aware of it, but she is using you, and eventually she will dump you. Please leave before there is a lot of pain attached to it.

Before I got past the first paragraph, I had the thought that I wouldn't date someone if their kid was a jerk. While this kid is too young to really qualify for that label, he seems well on the way to it. I couldn't handle it.

Also, it sounds like you disagree with her child-rearing methods. Try bringing that up, and see how it goes. No? Good call.

It doesn't sound like a healthy relationship for anyone involved.

Dating women with kids is difficult, at best. You can't be spontaneous, you can't make noise, and you can't have an adult conversation.

The kid either hates you because you're not daddy, or clings to you because he or she is desperate for a 'daddy'.

Mom is either looking for a new daddy for the child, or is looking for another child for increased ADC. Either way, if you want the relationship to last, you had better already have the income to support them all.

The kids' real daddy is likely to see you as a threat to his relationship to his children, and may eventually make trouble for you.

With so many single, childless women around, I have to wonder why any single, childless man would ever date a "family package".

The kid sounds like a normal almost-two-year-old. Everything you've described: that's what toddlers do. I could have written that post about either one of my children when they were that age. The kid does not sound like a brat, he sounds like he's two.

W/r/t the breastfeeding stuff: it's not terribly common to still be nursing at that age, but it's not unheard of, and it's certainly not unhealthy, for either of them. Co-sleeping at that age is also not unheard of.

Here's what it sounds like to a parent of two small children: he's two. He's also having a hard time adjusting to his mom starting a new job. Especially given that he's a child being raised by a single parent, she's been a constant in his life, and he's terrified now that his routine has been disrupted. At the ripe old age of two, he is far from being unhealthily attached to her. He's a toddler, and he's frightened.

(And he's two, and she gets to go to the bathroom by herself?!?!?! JEALOUS.)

So. You can either learn a thing or two about child development, and develop some coping skills, or you need to walk away, before the kid gets attached to you. Because kids do that, too.

Dating someone with kids is completely different than dating someone who doesn't have kids, and it's good that you're recognizing that.

You appear to be getting exactly the advice that you needed, I concur with everything that's been said so far.

Been there, done that. Dealing with other people's kids is completely different than dealing with your own. Single parent kids have specific needs, emotionally and psychologically and what you have to ask yourself is "Am I (as an emotionally compromised autistic myself), prepared to devote a significant portion of my heart and life to serving the needs of a child that I am in no way obligated to be responsible for?"

Chances are the answer is "Not at this point in my life, er, no."

Nothing wrong with that, it's honest and direct. If that's the case, then get out now, for the child's sake. It's pretty obvious from the tone of your post that this is overwhelming for you and it's just not something that you're ready to deal with. So don't. I'd do a lot of things for a good friend, but help raise their children is not on that list.

I don't blame you for not wanting to date single mothers. Kids are horrible nowadays. Generation X and very early Millennials are last well-behaved generation as children. While they were by no means "prim and proper, seen and not heard" children of the Victorian era, they knew their place in society and what it entailed. Not so with most Millennial and post-Millennial kids (ones who never saw the calendar change to year 2000, or technically, 2001, the real millennium start date). They scream until they get what they want; they demand things; they're obsessed with iPads, texting, and Facebook; and they expect their parents to do everything for them while demanding full freedom from their control. They terrorize adults, fully leveraging the "oh my god, think of the children!" laws that give criminals more rights than their victims. The infamous MTV show "My Super Sweet 16" was deliberately written to be ahead of its time. Nowadays, that behavior is more of a norm than an oddity. What enables it is the hyper-permissive parenting and extreme focus on self-esteem that's been the trend since 1980's. And you, the guy dating a single mother, is expected to fully buy into the trend without question.

I guess theres another piece I left out that may be worth mentioning. Someone mentioned that maybe I should bring up about some of the things I disagree with her parenting? Well first off I don't have kids, so I don't feel like I have any right to tell someone else how to parent their kid. The major issue is that shes also ADHD and dyslexic, so her alone at times can be a bit unalterable with her sudden mood changes and getting upset over the littlest things. At first I thought maybe it'd be good for me trying to get close to a girl with a disability being autistic because we could both relate to the other, but actually after 3 months I feel as though it just makes things worse for the both of us. Her mood will change over the littlest things and start barking and snapping at me. When she is in a good mood, she is actually pretty sweet and tells me how much she appreciates me being her friend and still hanging out with her after the way she is sometimes and apologizes quite frequently with things like "I'm sorry, I shouldn't had snapped at you." If it was any other girl I may have spoke my mind to her about some things, but with her I don't feel its really worth it with potentially getting yelled at, especially when at the moment shes nothing more then a friend.

I guess its a little comforting to know some of these things with her kid are "normal", not having kids I don't know any better. Its not that I don't love her kid or anything, its just being me and being autistic is already hard enough somedays, and all this extra stuff with a kid puts me in overload and makes it nearly unbearable and causes me to "lock up" sometimes if that makes any sense?

Move On.

Dating a single mom is like dating two people. It can work it can blow up.

Like I said, I'm not dating her, and shes made it quite clear at the moment she wants nothing more then friends, so acourse I'm not gonna push myself onto her or any girl like that. I don't mind being friends with her, being autistic and having bad social skills its already hard enough for me to have friends in real life. I was just curious to see what others thought/felt about dating people with kids.

lol, Maybe the real dad's a burly logger type that carries a chainsaw around sometimes since OP lives in a small logging town.

If you read my post, you woulda saw that the baby daddy has never been in the picture. He's never seen the kid once other then some pics when he was born. Shes not in contact with him or anything.

Or maybe daddy is a convicted felon serving time; but who has friends on the outside keeping track of his interests.

Reindeer Games.

As weird as it sounds, I could never date a female who has a child or more than one.

I even have issues getting it on with women who own noisy pets.