Love, Asperger's, and Identity

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Hi WP, I'm new around here. I'm over 40, female, and just self-diagnosed as an Aspie, with an assessment scheduled for next week. I'd like some feedback on my approach to romantic relationships and how to become more of my own person.

I've recently realized that I have a very flexible identity, kind of like a chameleon, and I become fascinated with people I like and automatically take on their passions as my current special interest to bond with them. (Their passion has to be interesting to me already in order for me to be interested in them, but it might never have been anything I'd do on my own).

I've been criticized for this trait all my life, called things like "weak" and "codependent," and that I was "losing myself" in romantic relationships. I don't experience it like that at all at first. I find the absorption in the person and their work/dream/art to be stabilizing and fulfilling. I enjoy being a supportive and encouraging partner and learning new things from my SO. My goals are so amorphous that it's just easier to take on theirs. My special interests involve reading, not producing. My executive function is so bad that I can't seem to ever finish any project I start, so I just gravitate to someone who's more structured. Helping them makes me feel better about not being able to finish my own creative projects. And being in a happy relationship IS a goal of mine, anyway, and a special interest in and of itself.

Unfortunately, my relationships have not stayed healthy. Eventually I'll want to do something of my own and the person will be angry and not want to help me in return, and then I end up feeling taken advantage of and leaving them. It's happened with my last three relationships, and they were all abusive. My chameleon nature attracts men who want a supporter and (I assume) repels the healthier men I would be happier with in the long run. I can see how it would be a turn-off to have a girlfriend who doesn't bring anything of her own to the table and is kind of creepily like, "oh, whatever you want, honey" Stepford-style.

I know it looks like a psychological problem--like lack of self-esteem, fear of failure, codependency, etc. But those things are a result and not a cause of this dynamic. I am looking at it from a whole new perspective now that I know I'm autistic. I know why I do it now, and why I haven't been able to change so far. But I want to change--to have something solid to offer besides becoming my SO's auxiliary clone!

Does anyone have any insight or suggestions for me, aside from getting counseling? (I'm already doing that, but my counselor has never dealt with an autistic before and wants to apply conventional wisdom and psychotherapy that doesn't address the reason I behave this way). I've been single and not dating for almost a year now and am really lonely and tempted to start this cycle all over again. But I promised myself that I would sort myself out before getting involved with a man again. Finding out I'm autistic has been incredibly eye-opening. Now I'm in search of the next step, whatever it may be, to become ready for a truly healthy relationship.

the only advice i can offer is "don't give up." my husband and i will celebrate our fifth anniversary this month. it was the first marriage for both of us. i was 52. he was 58.

Perhaps make it a goal to get to know yourself better (what you like and are interested in) before getting into a relationship. Then go a step further and become willing to tell other people about these interests and preferences.

Hi ya and Welcome.

Try dating different types of men, since the ones you gravitate to seem to not work out for you. Try approaching men you are interested in, instead of waiting for one to approach you, to assure mutual interest.

First, that's a brilliant username.

How are you in yourself? Do you feel a strong, solid identity of your own? Do you take on your SO's tastes, values etc, or is it more centered around their having appealing interests/goals?

Hi.
I read your post and can relate. I don't think I realized I was this way in a relationship until I met someone solid as a rock, so strong tempered we basically flow on his steam as a couple, as a dinamic duo. Nonetheless, I found out that in the long term, I am the rock as well in other ways. He may have the impulse and the drive, but life is not just about the big moments and the great projects. There are other minor stuff that must be done. That's where my temper prevails. I'm never bored doing the daily stuff, stuff that repeats over and over. It's wonderfull thing to go about and conquer the world but only if you have clean socks. There are many lill things that can undermine a good idea/project. I'm ok with those. It's good to swap places sometimes, I don't do that much. We talk about it, I make an efford as to have more iniative.
Anyway, I don't think I was so codependant ever. Funny thing about it is that in fact, at the moment, he depends on me. I guess that changed my perspective about strong willed people. If the most strong willed person I know depends on me, the world is not what it seams.
This may not be helpfull but there are my thoughts ATM.
What I can say is: even when you think you are a follower, there are times where you lead. Perhaps not intentionally. But by making things happen, you're a lerson that makes things happens. Doesn't mather how small they are.
Remember the Princess and the pea? The pea was tinny. Yet it was the thing.
Stay firm. Gather yourself. Being someone that matters doesn't mean you have to win the Nobel Prize to prove it.

I commend you for realising that this is an issue for you.

I've been reading around since my own diagnosis and one of the most mentioned things stated about women with Aspergers is that we are chameleons. It's not a natural thing, simply a tendency we end up learning to use as a coping mechanism from a fairly young age that is necessary to survive the world we inhabit. Apparently the older we are, especially among the undiagnosed, the more we take on this trait in the effort to compensate and succeed socially. Perhaps it might be useful for you to find books or other resources written by autistic women who have done this.

I know personally I have tended towards this trait also. In doing so, I developed this skill when it probably would have served me better to develop my own identity and self concept. Trying to undo it has been months of in depth work and exercises and answering questions about myself which I probably should have done as a teenager. This is the part where I should note; unless you spend a substantial amount of time by yourself outside of a relationship, you're not going to be able to form a stable identity that isn't influenced by others unnecessarily. Doing the work to develop one can't be done while in a relationship. It takes quite a lot of strength, courage and commitment to explore this for yourself. I'm nowhere near done yet but the benefits since I have started are phenomenal.

The other part which you mentioned is not having a strong sense of self does attract abusers. Without a strong sense of self and decent self worth, we don't develop or have boundaries. Since we tend to be socially inept, our boundaries are really our only defense. Not having any or being bad at setting or upholding boundaries makes you a perfect target for someone abusive. Not having a strong sense of self usually isn't attractive to healthy people who also have one, which means that we miss out on having them as partners.

As for what you can do, it's about getting to know yourself without all the social conditioning and coping mechanisms. They are skills we use, not who we are. Which means trying to remember, or rediscovering. It also means trying new things, or things you emjoyed as a child. Finding your own passions. It's a lot of questions, often simple ones that end up being difficult to answer. A good place to start is asking yourself what is meaningful to you? (In your case, apart from relationships)

Love your WP name.

It ranks with: "Abyssquick", "Cheerless Leader", and "History of psychiatry", as one of my favorite WP handles.

About the issue you're talking about: my unbiased, disinterested, and unslanted response to it would be to recommend that you: find a nice single nonabusive man over forty, like Naturalplastic, to go out with!