Marriage Advice for "NT" Partners

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I've written articles about Aspergers and marriage in the past. One of the criticisms I received was that the advice seemed slanted toward making it seem as though it's the Aspergers partner who needed to change. I'm seeking to correct that by writing another article aimed at what NT partners may need to change to make the relationship better.

In order to do this, I'm seeking your input! What do you wish your NT partner would do differently in your relationship to make things better for you as an Aspie?

I look forward to your tips!

People need to stop judging and labeling if there is going to be any happiness.

And people who called themselves NT in relationships with people they call Aspies often do and say things that don't seem very neurotypical. Or do and say things to the person with Aspergers that they would not to someone neurotypical.

Enough separating people. Labels can do a lot of harm. That's what I wish I could see written. Not more about the supposedly more functional, supposedly NT partner being patient and understanding the Aspies supposed deficits. We're all different.

And many Aspies are very capable of registering emotion in others. Not looking typical does not make us less human. We still hurt, we still bleed and love and need. That's what I would like to see written.

That it is important to treat your partner as well as you would anyone else, the more so if they seem different or off as it's those moments that can build a powerful connection. Or create an impenetrable divide.

Thanks. I feel so strongly that relationships are about people. And when I look at more typical people many, though not all, seem so caught up in labels and superficial appearances.

It's funny, someone posted asking about childbirth on WrongPlanet. I and some others responded basically that what to say about communication challenges and sensory issues in this context shouldn't have to be a worry. That medical personnel are or should be accustomed to meeting the needs and supporting women giving birth. And that the intensity of that experience is so powerful it would be a mistake to feel her differences would make it hard for her to be looked after.

Do you understand what I mean? That the irony of making differences more important than they really are causes people sometimes to begin behaving or thinking we are almost different species? When we are one species.

I'll never forget when someone on the spectrum corrected me. I had referred to her as someone with Aspergers. She said it really made her feel apart from, versus why not just refer to her as my colleague? That made a big impression on me. So yes, I do get it. Sometimes, it's hard to know how much to make a distinction and when not to, when I am blogging on the subject of autism and Aspergers as my main focus.

I don't have a partner, and when I was married, I was undiagnosed. With that caveat, here are some things that my ex did that baffled and annoyed me. (If I'd known I was an Aspie, it might have been different). I also want to add that my ex was not neurotypical. He had a diagnosis of Minimal Brain Dysfunction, had been in learning-disabled classes, and required accommodations including Irlen lenses. He was "twice-exceptional," being both gifted and LD. I was thought to be just "eccentric." So miscommunications can come into play regardless of the neurotypicality, or lack thereof, of one or both partners. There are many ways to be non-neurotypical and sometimes it's even harder when you have two non-neurotypicals together.

-He constantly criticized my tone of voice, and I thought he was gaslighting me because I didn't think I had the tone he claimed I did. I also thought the sensory processing issues he had might be distorting my voice to him.

-He constantly asked me "what's wrong" because apparently my neutral face looks troubled in some way. I thought he was being clingy and insecure. He would pester me until I made up something being wrong just to get him off my back.

-He got overemotional about little things and seemed petty to me, but in hindsight, he probably saw me as underemotional and like I didn't care, which was not true. I completely fell apart when we broke up.

I think the best thing non-Aspies can do, whether or not they're NT, is understand themselves, and us. And by the same token, we also need to understand ourselves, and them. I might still be married if we'd had better understanding.

If I say (or more likely scream) "Leave me alone!" take me at my word. Don't keep following me, shouting at me. Just back off, and let me process. This also goes for parents, siblings, and friends, though I've never had to say that to a friend before.

Have my back. If someone were to physically attack you while your back was turned or you were otherwise vulnerable, you better believe I'd have yours. I'm small, but I'll fight to the death to protect those I love. This is also true for parents, siblings, and friends. If you percieve something I don't, if you catch warning signs I miss- voice tone, body language, some subtle social slight by someone who's socially sophisticated, or outright verbal abuse, don't just expect me to catch on or capably defend myself. At least warn me. If I'm not picking up one of those "things that don't need to be said" and reacting in the socially expected manner, let me know (kindly) that next time I might want to _______ or you think they wanted me to ___________.

Take my questions seriously. They're serious. I'm asking because I really don't get it.

When I come to you with a problem, don't just offer comfort or a solution. Most of the time I need both. I came to you because I trusted you enough to be vulnerable in front of you, I'm really overwhelmed, and I have no clue how to fix it. Even if the answer seems obvious, offer it, but please don't make me feel stupid when you do.

My face, my tone of voice, aren't going to match what I'm feeling. Not always. If you can't tell if I'm sad or mad at you or whatever, ask. If I say I'm not mad at you, believe me. I'm not hiding it or being passive aggressive or whatever. There might even be nothing really wrong.

Some women would think it's hot if you did half the housework or yardwork. That'd be great, don't get me wrong, but what would really work for me is if you handled the appointment setting. That scares the bejeezus out of me.

I'm not like other women. Odds are, that's part of what attracted you to me in the first place. At least I'd hope so. Bearing that in mind, please don't lump me in with them.

I'm a horrible hostess. If you don't want to host it or call a caterer, please don't have it at home.

Please give me advance notice for any work events you want me to attend. That way I can plan everything. That way I won't forget anything important or get too overwhelmed. That way I won't be "that poor weird woman who was crying in the ladies room." This one happens all the time to an autistic friend of mine. She's called me for support. My heart aches for her when this happens. He just doesn't get it.

Be more literal, direct, open with their intentions. Instead of dropping hints or trying to manipulate the outcome.

This topic may be different for men and women too.