Those of you in relationships: how often do you see your SO?

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I'm an NT and have been going out with my aspie boyfriend for 9 months now.

Things have for the most part been really great; he's kind, affectionate and supportive, we've been on holiday together and he's asked me to move in with him.

There are however a couple of issues I have with our relationship, the main one being is how often we see each other. He seems to be happy with seeing me once a week, staying over at the weekends coming over usually on a late Saturday afternoon at about 5pm and leaving on Sunday at 3pm. This isn't enough for me and have spoken with him about this a couple of weeks ago to which he responded with saying how often he sees me has no correlation to his feelings for me, he needs more space because of his aspergers and that he thinks I don't seem to want to stay at his place.

I asked him last week when I dropped him off at the weekend when I would be seeing him next to which he replied "I don't know" so I said I could stay during the week at his sometime to which he said yes to. I asked him earlier again today dropping him at home for the weekend to which he again said "I don't know" to which I replied oh that's great.

I don't really see why I should have to keep pushing this and me being the one asking if I can stay over? I understand his need for space as I like it too although not to the extent he does. He's currently unemployed whereas I'm working so he has a lot more time to himself anyway without any major commitments. I'd want to see him about 4 times a week ideally but am willing to compromise to once during the week and once over the weekend yet he doesn't seem bothered.

There also issues with him taking absolutely ages to reply to text messages and not texting me that much in between and him having a dating profile on an aspergers dating website up although he did state that he was in a relationship on his profile but I think he's taken it down now.

People tell me it doesn't sound like a healthy relationship and that I should dump him as it sounds like he's not interested but we get on well when we're together and he's affectionate although doesn't show it in public.

"Oh that's great" is possibly rude.

"I don't know" isn't, but can be annoying. If indecisiveness is bothersome, I recommend finding a solution to it--together. It seems like it bothers you, so your reactions will only get worse.




It doesn't seem (to me) that he is uninterested. It seems like you are comparing him (or letting your friends do it) to either a real NT person or to an idealized boyfriend. It makes more sense to deal with what YOU actually need. You *did* say you'd prefer to see him more like 4 times per week. How big of a deal is that to you? To him?


In your title, you asked us how often we see our SO's. I'm an unusual case, perhaps, I have Aspergers and speech difficulty (am moderately affected), and I have been married for almost 10 years. My husband travels for a living. Typically, he is in town 3 days a week and away for 4. Currently, he is out all month. I, personally, *do* need the space. (Children have complicated this, but is not relevant to your situation). It's a good match, because his job is riddled with spouses who divorce them or end up in psych wards because they can't handle it. I couldn't have handled a full-time spouse, his job doesn't support full-time living arrangements.

My fiancée (NT) works offshore so that is probably perfect. For two weeks we are together almost every minute of the day, then for two weeks I can recover. I don't know if this is a solution for other people.

For her, she hates being apart ever. For me, I hate being lonely. I think for your boyfriend to only see you once a week is selfish. Just my opinion. Yes, he needs to be able to withdraw into his cave for a day or two or even a week or two, but you have needs too. Being loved is so important and so rare that he should not jeopardise it.

When I was married (for 19 years) we were together every day - have kids - but the big issue was that I spent so much time on the computer. I knew that it made her feel I did not love her, and I hated that. Yet when we sat on the couch together I did not know what to do: she was not a tactile person, so I could not just hug like a baby (which would have been nice). That is why I felt awkward round her. Because I felt I was disappointing her all the time,. She wanted me to think like she thought, and like the TV shows she liked. I would happily sit through a TV show with her, but my eyes were just sort of pointing in the direction of he TV. If she wanted me to stare at a wall for an hour it would e the same - a small price to pay to not be alone. but it was awkward, and that's why is spent so much time on the computer. At least I felt secure there. If nothing else I was getting something useful done, at least I felt like I fit in and was worth something.

If your boyfriend does not want time with you it much just be because he doesn't know hat he's supposed to do. Which sounds crazy from a NT point of view, like the person must be an idiot. But maybe he just needs to know (a) you are happy with him, and (b) what he is supposed to do. Heck, this makes autistic people sound terrible. But on the plus side he's probably sincere, trustworthy, loyal, smart, and wants to make you happy. He just needs to feel safe. Swings and roundabouts I suppose.

Wow, this is very interesting to hear.

My (more) AS ex wants to remain in my life as a close friend, but we've got very different definitions of this -- he seems to think that touching base by skype once a week, during which he doesn't talk much about what's going on with him, constitutes a close friendship. And he's put me off from visiting him ever since he moved back to Canada nine months ago. I get that he's maxed just trying to put his life back together, and also that once he manages to do it, keeping it running will also leave him fried and low on communication. And that visiting's just not going to be possible, he's not set up to handle guests, buffer overflow.

But it really isn't enough for me even as a friendship, and like it or not, I find we've already drifted apart, and that I've got a lot less interest than I used to in talking to him. Other people have moved in to fill the gap, and I talk to them about the things that are important to me. I don't get the impression that he's really interested or doing anything much but bearing it if I'm talking about things in my life, and I've stopped trying to get in touch with him because apparently it's always a bad time. I can see him being sad/angry about this down the line, as though I was supposed to live in a closet and just be ready to generate a friendship whenever he had the headspace for it, but...I'm a person too, you know? There's only so many hundreds of times I'm going to try.

I think he wants to be loyal penpals with a telegraph operator on Mars. One who's understanding when he misses the planetary alignment window, and only inquires after his welfare after it's happened twice in a row.

Well, he's asked you to move in with him, so if/when you do, problem solved. You're gonna see him EVERYDAY.

see mine when I can. I prefer her company over anyone else's anyway. On average, I think we see each other 3-4 times a week. The relationship is quite affectionate. The PDA is definitely toned down compared to the affection given when we're both alone and were both fine with that from what has been talked about.

I'm not gonna commet on your situation OP when others have done a good job asking you questions or getting you to open up.

Are you sure he doesn't want to see you more often? It seems you've told him you want that, but you don't feel it "happening". Maybe you just need to take more initiative? And if he says "I don't know" it's probably because he actually doesn't know. He might need more time than the average person to think it through, or you might have to be more specific. Try asking for a specific date and time, and make sure you don't try to force a quick response.

Hmm, seems like you're not compatible. If it bothers you a lot, you may need to find someone more like yourself.

Do you think that perhaps it's the effort of getting you there/ having someone turn up randomly that bothers him? Does he not want to make the effort to go out at all in the week? Maybe he just doesn't want to go out.

If he wants you to move in with him he must like being with you, perhaps its just a hassle for him to actually do it all the time.

I would collapse with exhaustion if I worked and then saw a boyfriend 4 times a week. Maybe be is the same? (I know he doesn't work, but maybe he sleeps all day? dunno)