Building trust

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I met this really amazing guy. He is almost 30 and has never had a girlfriend. I'm 99% sure he has Aspergers. I am NT.

I asked if he wanted a relationship with me and he didn't outright say no, but said that he wasn't comfortable with it. I think that he is clueless and afraid that I will judge him for his inexperience. He passes for NT very well, and most other people would never be able to guess he is not. I think his condition is a huge secret. I don't know him well enough to bring up very personal topics, and he seems very private about them -- perhaps with reason. I think he believes he has hidden his issues from me, but this isn't the case, and my feelings for him were based on almost full information from the beginning. Thing is, I have no way of telling him this. I can't hint at it because he doesn't see subtext in anything. None of the things that he probably perceives as "wrong" with himself are deal breakers for me. I wish he could overcome his fears and trust me. (Of course I also realize that this may not be the issue and maybe he just doesn't want a relationship.)

I have a joke that he only talks for three reasons -- to give information, tell a joke, or complain Personal conversation doesn't seem to be his thing.

Any advice on how I can get to a point of dialogue without blowing up the friendship?

Find out his special interests and talk to him about them. He will want to tell you everything about them and if you sincerely enjoy listening to him, that will help build a friendship. It might stay platonic, though, depending on his comfort zone and sexuality.

Works especially well if you have some interest or liking to one of his special interests. You can be surprised what you can find out

If you want, you could say you'd be fine with 'going back to being friends if it just doesn't work out'. Just be prepared for if that does happen though

Almost all of his special interests are things that interest me as well -- that's how we met -- but I haven't always had luck with that. It feels really discouraging. Add to this a sinking feeling that I am not the only girl going after this guy, and the feeling that the other girl is strangely talented at talking to him . . . ugh.

I am afraid of bringing up the topic of a relationship again because I am afraid he will just avoid me after that. I haven't had good experiences with this in the past, at least with NT people. The problem is that really talking about it directly with him is the only thing I've got. I am afraid that if I bring it up again I will seem super desperate. I am also afraid of finding out what he really thinks about me, as in horrible truth.

I have a nearly endless capacity to listen to him talk about things that interest him, but I think he's been very well coached not to go on and on about them. I'm frustrated because I feel like he's so bent on hiding his autism that he will never find out that I am okay with it -- I'm cool with taking things really slow if that's what he needs. But it feels so wrong to just come out and say all this when I'm not sure he trusts me.

Last edited by GreenEyedMonster on 19 May 2014, 8:30 pm, edited 1 time in total.

He sounds like a very lucky guy. Hopefully he realizes it one day.

Based on your posts, if he is trying to hide his autism, he is trying to hide who he is (no doubt in my mind he is hiding who he is from others). Sounds like the problem is that he isn't truly comfortable in his own skin. How much longer til his mask slips? It could be a while before he finally does accept himself and grows comfortable in his own skin, and who knows if you will be the catalyst for this growth.

How much patience will you have to see if he figures out how you feel, and if he feels the same way? You can tell him how you feel, but he may have to figure out how he feels after. And I can assure you that like any man, or woman even (Aspie or not), they may take some space to sort out if they do like you or not.