Falling in love with a best friend

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I've always been a romantic, but have never been an expert at dealing with relationships. There is a friend of mine, whom I have known for over seven years now. Over the years, there have been occasions that we made out and cuddled, which she passed off as "heat of the moment". When we are together: people typically assume that we're a couple. I've had feelings for her, from the beginning. We've had two very intimate encounters, recently - and she expressed that she wants it to happen again, also hinting that she has strong feelings for me.

I'm not sure if she wants things to get more serious, or if she just wants sex to be a part of our "friendship". Though it should be easy enough to just ask her, broaching the subject seems awkward. How would I phrase it? I feel that we are really great for each other, equally messed enough up to be a perfect fit . I want more and I want to give her more of me... A serious relationship just seems like the logical next evolution, of whatever the hell we are now!

I want to just come out and tell her how much I love her, as it's something I've kept bottled up for a long time. But, I have this feeling that telling her those words is a recipe for disaster. I am certain that one of us is going to end up getting hurt, horribly... Maybe it will be less hurt than keeping this locked up inside and never taking the chance?!

Has anyone ever fallen in love with a best friend? How did it work out for you?

Had to reply since I'm in the same city and have a comparable best friend situation going on.

I've had feelings for him since we met over 3 years ago. We've been close friends since. I used to tell him all the time that I love him (because I do) but realizing he doesn't feel the same way and my stating it likely makes him uncomfortable, I haven't said it for over a year now. We're still close friends... and I still love him; but I'd rather have him as the friend he is to me than not in my life at all so I don't push the crush issue as a topic of conversation ever anymore. I just enjoy what time I do get to spend hanging out with him every once in a while. However, he's never said never.. so, whether foolish or not, I still hold on to a sliver of hope that he might come around to the idea of "us," someday.

All in all it's worked out fine, I still have a close friend & haven't lost anything I didn't have. I figure it can only remain equal (which I'm ok with) OR get better if he ever comes around to the idea of "us."

Maybe she is considering you as a romantic partner and wants to know how you feel. Sometimes these types of relationships work out and sometimes they don't. What do you want? Are you willing to lose the friendship if a romance between you two doesn't work out? That is a possibility.

Honestly, just leave it alone. You don't have to label anything. Just enjoy what you have.

If you aren't interested in marriage, just leave things alone. If you are, I am of two minds. Part of me says to just bring things out in the open--ask her to marry you, or if there is a chance that she would one day consider such a serious step with you. Another part of me says to leave things alone because the impression I get from how you describe the relationship, is that she is fine with the casual romance status right now, but probably isn't ready to take it to the next level. If this is the case, then asking her to get more serious could cause her to back off from your current relationship.

It's a tough call, but life is neither easy, nor fair.

two routes.


one: get her sense of direction in.


two: jump off her ledge.


END OF STORY!

Thanks for your replies, everyone . I'm thinking that the best thing will probably be to let my actions speak for themselves, for now. Neither of us are big fans of marriage and have often discussed our disinterest in it. After all these years and everything we've been through, I'm sure that whatever happened would end with us still being friends.

Goldfish, I say don't give up on that. I know it's a tough situation to be in, but you never know. This friend of whom I speak had rejected several of my advances, over the years, verbal and physical. I believed for a long time, that she had no deeper feelings for me and that our more intimate moments really were just totally heat of the moment. I believed that our friendship would have fallen apart; years ago, because of my feelings for her.

We're closer than ever now and while I can't know for certain what the next step is... I'm so glad I never gave up!

You're lucky....I've been in love with my best friend since the moment I met her, but she does not and never will have any feelings for me

In fact, it was around this time a year ago that I finally told her how I feel...and in about a month & a half it'll be a year since what little remained of my shattered heart was utterly obliterated. Nobody else wants me either, which means I'll probably die a lonely, worthless, pathetic, virgin loser pining for his best friend

Last edited by newageretrohippie on 26 Aug 2014, 11:34 pm, edited 1 time in total.

Dittos.

Been with my best friend almost 15 years now. Similar story, tons more drama. How did I know it was true love? She stopped taking birth control and told me she didn't care.

There's just a certain bond we've had that only strenghtened the time I saw her with her guts hanging out on an operating room table (and I didn't pass out or vomit...it was kinda cool, though admittedly morbid). If you've ever been there, you know how hard it is not to make it a lifelong affair.

I'm not giving up on that sliver of hope that he'll come around to the idea. I'm not obsessing about it. Just kinda keeping it in the back of my mind and playing it cool. He's rejected me several times over the last few years, buuuuut has also never said never - even when I asked him to. A year or so ago was the last time we talked about it at all and he said "Yeah, but you're not changing..." and as much as that hurt to hear the truth, he was right & I eventually grew to appreciate hearing it. BUT, I've changed dramatically since then and I know he's noticed because when I told him something a few weeks ago he was stunned and said "Wow! you've changed a LOT over the last year! Good job, man!"

That, combined with other subtle little things in conversations with him keeps me thinking mmmmmmmaaaaaybe.. but in the meantime I'm working hard and enjoying life to the fullest as best I can vs. sitting around waiting for him or anything of the sort. I've been smoking busy working hard all week, then off to kite board on the weekends in Squamish, rinse & repeat for the last month and until the Summer ends save for any other obligations that keep me from going to Squamish. But I still keep him & his family on my mind along with positive thoughts on a daily basis as I maintain hope that we might end up together.

Having read some of your experiences, I feel better about this. Maybe this is as confusing and scary for her, is it is for me. She asked me if I'm seeing anyone and admitted that she would be jealous - and I admitted the same to her. I had been (loosely), but have now called it quits with those other girls. We both have anxiety and not to mention, intimacy issues, having been badly hurt in the past. I want to be the man in her life who is always a positive influence and to take away her pain, without causing more.

Putting a label on this may not be the answer, at all. However, I am worried that keeping this situation as loose and undefined as it is, may mean that she'll end up spending time with other guys. It would really hurt me, to know that I'm not the only one, or to see her get snatched up by someone else. Obviously, I can't control her - and I wouldn't want to. I want her; of her own accord, to want to be with no one but me.

This really does sound like a similar situation to mine. I've made some big changes, this year... and when I told her about them, she was really proud of me and became more affectionate and more present in my life. We've been through a lot, over the years - and I'm proud of her, too. I've got a better understanding of the elements which have made her who she is, which only makes me love her more. All her flaws only make her more beautiful, in my eyes... I feel that something along these lines is happening; on her end, as well.

You have a great attitude, towards this situation - and about life in general, it seems. It's wonderful to be there for others and to have them add meaning to your life, but also important to live for no one's sake but your own. I just remembered that you are the one who posted about the Grouse Grind, not too long ago! You seem to have a very adventurous spirit. Right on, man!! I recently did the Grind for the first time - and then again, a week later. My best time is 52 minutes and I'm probably going to end up blowing that time out of the water, next year. Even though it's pretty well the opposite of what I train for...

I'm doing my best to live my life to the fullest, as well. As a competitive strength athlete, my training gives me something to always burn for... But, my love is always on my mind. Even when we are too busy to meet and our only contact is through texting: just knowing that she's out there makes the world feel like a warmer place.



I find this hugely encouraging. The idea of spending the rest of my life with anyone is terrifying, or even 15 years... But; if there is anyone I'd want that with, it would be her. This has been 7 years in the works already, I suppose that it's not time to start rushing things.



I have been through something like this, before... and I know that you can't "just move on". Feelings of inadequacy, devastation, longing for something that seems impossible - that becomes only more desirable, because of how impossible it seems. I was able to let go of these feelings and of this girl. In my case; she had been a toxic influence, all along. I wasn't able to admit the she was, until her life spiraled into extreme self-destruction and I couldn't watch anymore. Maybe your case is nothing along those lines; nonetheless, I hope you're able to get past these feelings and realize that you're worth more than you give yourself credit for. I'm confident you'll meet someone who will help you change your views. Hang in there!!

Yep, pretty similar.. hopefully my situation plays out as positively as it sounds like yours is!

Thanks. I certainly have a better attitude towards everything over the past year or so vs. previous to that. Yeah, I posted about the Grind when I did it a few months ago.. but I haven't been back to do it again as I've been far too busy spending weekends kiteboarding in Squamish.

As a competitive strenght athlete, you'd probably be interested to know that I've put on more muscle mass and strength over the last year or so than the rest of my life in large part due to the digestive system detox & healing I've done to treat my ASD symptoms etc as is outlined in the thread in my signature. No joke, now that I can digest nutrients properly I've made impressive strength gains.

a boy best friends with a girl? how does that even happen?

life is full of crap anyway. we are just striving for more aggravation. point is just let your life be what you feel not what you need to judge yourself to.

I haven't had contact with her, in a few days. My phone is disconnected; until later today, at the earliest. Since she doesn't use social media, that leaves my contact options cut off. Well, I'm supposed to see her this Thursday. Hopefully that still works out!

I'm just trying to decide if I play it cool and treat her more like "just a friend", or if I make an effort to get more physical. More touching and going for a kiss. I'd like be more romantic with her, outside of those occasional nights that we're together and things get steamy. I'd like it to be every time we meet.

Keeping my fingers crossed for you!

I'm not doing the Grind again this year, as I have a competition later this month. Next year, I'll likely buy a season's pass. Kiteboarding is something I'd like to try one day. It looks challenging!!

I'll check out your thread. I'm certainly interested in anything that will help me get stronger and feel better. If it could help with my ASD related anxiety, I'd be thrilled!



Being true to what you feel is important. I can't count how many times; though, that what I've felt made me physically ill. At which point, it became necessary to accept that I was giving value where it was not due and that there was a disconnect between my mind and reality.

Sometimes, it really doesn't seem this simple. Sometimes, I struggle to let things go, or to get reality into perspective. Judgement definitely plays a big role in that. I know that sometimes my own ideals are not completely rational. Sometimes, imposed ideals hold me back and I become aware that I've been letting the value judgements of others influence how I live my life.

Knowing what to replace these ideals with can be challenging. It requires a lot of deep reflection. Feeling stuck; to the point of emotional pain, is horrible... But, has got to be better than mindless acceptance and letting external forces control your reality.

Ha, omg the similarities continue to stack up!

I often go weeks, sometimes months, w/o any contact w/ the friend I have a crush on because they don't have a cell phone, don't use social media, and rarely check email.. so my contact options are somewhat limited, too.

In MY situation I'm continuing to play it cool because it's the best strategy for me, but in YOURS you've already been "steamy," so I'd say it's better to keep that ball rolling forward to keep the momentum of the relationship up. I'd take the small risk and give her a kiss or something and see where it takes you if I were in your shoes.

Ya, I won't likely do the grind again this year. Any sunny day off is for kiting! And I still have a couple more things to rattle off my Summer to-do in Vancouver list, i.e. rent a SUP & a kayak.

Please do check my thread. I swear it's the God's honest truth. Update: I've put on 20+ lbs of muscle in the last year w/o lifting any weights besides tools & materials at work and just doing body weight exercises, mostly pushups. The info in my thread can do plenty more than cure ASD related anxiety. Read it, and feel free to pm me. If you'd ever like to meet up in person - I'm a busy guy, but I'll make the time to meet you.