I really need advice/help. Relationship in trouble.

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I've been in a relationship for 18 years now. This past January, I caught my boyfriend uploading naked pictures of himself to the internet and actually hooking up with other guys. He said there was no sex involved with any of them but I don't know what to believe. He stopped doing that stuff as far as I can tell. He removed himself from the hookup sites and deleted the apps on his phone. A week ago, I caught him and a coworker kissing in the other guys car.

The bottom line is that I just don't trust him any more. I think he's still hiding stuff. He locked his phone and uses that damn Snapchat. He says he still wants to be with me and behaves in a way that indicates that is what he wants.

I really just want to end the relationship because I wouldn't even know where to begin on trying to fix it and be able to trust him again. Lying and keeping secrets from me really drives me crazy. Even those pesky white lies that NT's insist are just darling and a-ok. I have a really hard time talking to him about this stuff without losing my cool. How do you go back to trusting someone that lies and keeps secrets from you?

I can't afford couples counseling so, I'm turning to the community I can trust the most with this issue. I'd really appreciate any help advice before I end this 18 year relationship.

If he's sending nude pics and actually meeting up with guys he meets online, he's not just going out for coffee & conversation. He's hooking up with them and you busted him.

Pretty clear that's why he's using snap chat, too.

Further, you caught him kissing someone else. Further evidence there's more going on.

Chances are he does like you or you wouldn't have lasted this long. But it sounds like he wants more of an open relationship than you do.

Sounds a lot like a situation a friend of mine was once in - only my friend was ok with an open relationship if that's what his bf wanted. His bf had the opportunity to be open about hooking up with other guys if that's what he needed/wanted in life, but chose to hide it instead & got busted. They ended up splitting up for good, not so much because of the guy being with other guys (a transparent open relationship would have been ok), but more because of the trust issues around him hiding it even though he knew an open relationship would have been acceptable.

Have you discussed with him what your ground rules are? i.e. do you have an understanding that you're in a monogamous relationship? Have you discussed an open relationship if you're open to that sort of thing? If you're supposed to be monogamous and an open relationship isn't something you've discussed or are interested in, then I doubt there's much that could save your relationship because it sounds like he's already prioritized hooking up with other guys above you & your relationship, whether he'd admit to that or not. If it were me & I wasn't into sharing my boyfriend and that was never part of the deal, I'd have the very difficult talk about going your separate ways because obviously you're both not in it with an equal commitment. It'd be very hard, but for the better in the long run. I know it's been that way for the friend of mine I mentioned above.

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No for supporting trump. Because doing so is deplorable.

This is one of those questions where you already know what you want to do, but are looking for some moral/emotional support to carry it out.

Well there you go, you got mine.

Cheating.

Kick him out.

/thread

If it's the lying more than the cheating that's bothering you, you could open up your relationship--then he wouldn't have to lie. Dan Savage has some good writings on gay couples who are "monogamish" and how it works for them.

However, if it's the cheating you can't stand, you'd better kick him to the curb, because he isn't going to stop.

I don't know what advice you're trying to get dude. It's one thing to suspect cheating or to try for some sort of change but this dude is clearly and very obviously cheating, with multiple people, and continuing to look to cheat. You can have all the wishful thinking in the world about the situation but you gotta stick up for yourself. Time to move on, buddy.

Don't take this as homophobic but if he's hooking up with multiple strangers that easily I'd be worried he'd bring something home.

I feel an important question to ask yourself is what kind of potential diseases is he bringing home.

Thanks for the feedback everyone. First off, it was always supposed to be a monogamous relationship. Neither one of us wanted an open relationship.

The advice or help I'm looking for is how to try and stop the lying and to build up trust again. If it's even possible. The cheating itself, yes, it bothers me a great deal, but things in life happen. But, it's the lying and dishonesty that really gets under my skin. I want him to be honest with what he wants. I asked him last night if he wanted to see other people and he looked shocked and said no. The shock look was either sincere or because he is still lying about stuff. I just can't decipher which.

We came off a really rough time because we ended up being caregivers for my grandmother for the final 2 years of her life. She was born in the house she lived in and wanted to die there and saw to her wish. We were both very close to her and neither one of was doing well after her death. She passed away last September. We are both still having a difficult time with her passing.

I understand that this is NO excuse for his behavior. But it is a pretty significant event that can't be overlooked, it impacted us both a great deal and we did grow apart. And, I am standing up for myself because I'm not making life easy for him at the moment.

I don't want to make any rash decisions based on anger. The part of me that is hurt and angry wants to end it. Another part wants to try and see if we can move beyond this.

Stop the lying? Well no mind control devices work right now so it?s not going to stop. I believe you?re asking how to maximize the probability that he?s telling the truth about a certain subject? That?s pretty simple just make it unbeneficial for him to lie to you about it by providing him everything he needs/wants and making it clear that if he lies you will leave thus ensuring that if he lies again it means he?s actually hurting himself. This is by no means a guarantee but generally speaking normal people don?t do things that hurt themselves so it should help regulate his behavior. You would however have to alter the environment and interactions between you two so that lying didn?t benefit him which right now of course it does per why he does it.

Build up trust? That?s pretty simple trust is simply a measure of probability that your hypothesis will be met. The higher you determine the probability the greater your trust. Define what acceptable behavior is and what is unacceptable make sure he understands and then react accordingly if he lies to you and cheats again. Until that happens time will reinforce the hypothesis and trust will be built. If you want to build generalized trust then you broaden the scope and see if all his actions meet your expectations. Ask him to be at a certain place at a certain time for example and see if it happens. Every time your expectation is met trust will be built as you determine the probability to be higher that he?s predictable(reliable).

The main thing is he's lying to you and continues to lie. You can't be involved with someone you can't trust, and it's up to him to earn back that trust, should you want to give him that chance. But I think it's time for you to leave him. He's behaving like any guy caught cheating who doesn't intend to stop, but doesn't want to lose his nice home life, either. Let him go work out his issues, and if there's anything to salvage afterwards -- if that's what you want -- then do. But go reclaim your headspace and sanity, and stop accepting his lies.

Oh -- also, yeah, of course there's sex. What do you think those guys are meeting him for, coffee? One doesn't sneak around for coffee. Which means the situation's also dangerous to you. I'd stop having sex with him, at any rate, and go get tested.

The main thing is he's lying to you and continues to lie. You can't be involved with someone you can't trust, and it's up to him to earn back that trust, should you want to give him that chance. But I think it's time for you to leave him. He's behaving like any guy caught cheating who doesn't intend to stop, but doesn't want to lose his nice home life, either. Let him go work out his issues, and if there's anything to salvage afterwards -- if that's what you want -- then do. But go reclaim your headspace and sanity, and stop accepting his lies.