ASD dating "Aspie"

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So my therapist who is now seeing my fiance too, is really thinking he is an "Aspie" I quote it because technically it is not a diagnosis anymore. She feels he truly is.

It has taken years to get him to see someone. He shuts down and disconnects, at one point i thought he was a narcissistic or a sociopath. He is not and my therapist has explained to me that people with Aspergers or ASD men generally tend to show tendencies of the two so it is common for it to look similar to those illnesses.

Anyhow, he doesnt know that she thinks he is an Aspie, not yet. He does not like being told things and I have pointed it out over the years so she wants him to know its truly her thinking and not something that came from me. So she has to work on how she is going to present this idea of her too him.

We are extremely attracted to each other. Always since the day we met, we get each other for the most part, aside from the inability to recognize each others sarcasm and triggers. He has refused to learn anything about me being ASD. My, OUR, issue is we both talk in circles. Which tends to cause meltdowns in me and shutdowns in him. He gets really aggressive with me even when I tell him to be gentle during a meltdown. It is really hard for me to walk away if its something I dont understand, he will refuse to explain it and get manipulative or just completely shut down. That aggitates me more and gets me more upset cause then i feel i did something wrong so i start hitting myself. He screams at me and I get worse, or he walks away and i get worse. I have no idea how we can make this work with him refusing to learn anything about me.

My question is, how do two Aspies with opposite meltdown/shutdown modes, get passed problems? Our stuff happens once a month maybe, When they do he cant handle my need to talk and I cant handle his need to NOT talk. He never understand my examples and I dont get why he doesnt JUST ANSWER questions instead of pushing a meltdown out of me.

How can something so perfect be ruined by polar opposites on the same page? I have learned a ton from my new therapist and I have learned to recognize my triggers etc. but sometimes i need help to stop. How is an Aspie suppose to help an ASD if what I do triggers him? or what he does triggers me? It is so unfair how much we love each other and to have something like this pull us apart. I think it is almost impossible. Can anyone relate to this issue?

Aspergers Syndrome is just another name for HFA. The only real difference is that people who were diagnosed with Aspergers typically did not experience a language delay in their childhood. Myself, I had a language delay, but I had progressed so much by the time I was diagnosed that in school I was treated as if I had Aspergers and not "classic" autism. This is bearing in mind that the two diagnoses used to be separate, but connected at the same time.

I think is unethical for a therapist to speak to one client about another. Surely this must be professional misconduct!

As for the therapist deciding that he is autistic. Is she qualified to assess and diagnose anyone with an ASD? And, back into ethical territory, whether or not she is qualified, I would think she must be breaching professional guidelines by assessing him without his knowledge and consent.

All of that aside, your boyfriend is being abusive. You say he manipulates you, is aggressive to you, screams at you when you're upset.

Those are abusive behaviours, and if I were you, I'd be making plans to leave him.

No it is professional. We all three signed a waver for her to allow to treat us and help us out with each other. Since we both have difficulties with expressing ourselves appropriately to each other she is our mediator. She is qualified, the only therapist who has ever helped me in my 28 years of life and I have seen and been with a bunch. As for him being abusive, its only when I have a meltdown or if he shuts down and I keep talking. He tries to escape but I follow and he lashes out cause I am disturbing his need to get away. As I said. He shuts down, and I meltdown. It is very hard to help each other when we are both doing the same thing... but in a different way. He never speaks to me like that any other time. Ever. Only when he is trying to hide away and he wants me to leave him alone. Sometimes, if I am not going into meltdown mode, I can respect that and allow him cooling off time. But when I meltdown, he goes into shutdown mode, so its hard to respect his way when I am having my way first... its really hard to explain.

Yes I know. I was just being literal. Like, it literally is not a diagnosis anymore. They say its under the UMBRELLA of the spectrum, but really the actual label has been taken away.