Physical chemistry/attraction

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I'm extremely hesitant to make this post, because it is one of the more difficult subjects for me to discuss (even online/anonymously), but I guess I may as well go ahead...no pain, no gain right? My question is, how do you typically develop attraction and physical chemistry when dating?

I ask because, while this may not be my only issue, I think that it is a major one that limits me. I feel like I connect with many of the people I go out with fairly well on an emotional level, but not at all on a physical or sexual level. I don't do any sort of touching or sexual talk on dates, partly because I'm very uncomfortable with that stuff and partly because it just seems disrespectful and weird to me if you aren't in a committed relationship. But I notice that in much of the dating advice and stories I see online, it is filled with people discussing that stuff (Like "I grabbed her hand during dinner to see if she was receptive to my touch, then moved in closer", I see things similar to this a lot). I worry that by not doing any of this, I perhaps make myself out to be a good friend, but not a boyfriend? Is all of that touching/hugging/kissing a requirement when dating? I should note that I am not looking for anything casual or sexual (at least in the near-term), I'm looking purely for a long-term relationship.

I also worry that maybe I am just plain ugly. I'm in pretty good shape, and I feel like I'm moderately attractive when I look at myself in the mirror, but my personal perceptions don't seem to translate to my dating experiences. Then again, I do know that plenty of people far less attractive than myself are in successful relationships. Looking back, I can't think of a single instance where I actually felt like someone was physically attracted to me.

I'm planning to see a therapist soon to try and work on my dating difficulties, but I worry about how much they will be able to help me.

Oh boy, do I know a girl for you!

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I'm giving it another shot. We will see.
My forum is still there and everyone is welcome to come join as well. There is a private women only subforum there if anyone is interested. Also, there is no CAPTCHA.

The link to the forum is http://www.rightplanet.proboards.com

I would try to find a lady whom you have common interests in. You could talk about those for hours. You could just be with each other. Cook something together, go the movies together, while sharing that common interest.

After a while, when you know you both "click," look into her pretty eyes, and tell her she has pretty eyes. Say that you guys have lots in common--I really want to take this further!

And have a contract drawn up by a criminal defense attorney and a notary handy so you can get it signed by her. You know.

_________________
I'm giving it another shot. We will see.
My forum is still there and everyone is welcome to come join as well. There is a private women only subforum there if anyone is interested. Also, there is no CAPTCHA.

The link to the forum is http://www.rightplanet.proboards.com

"There's Chemistry" is just a gentled water-downed term used mostly by women, thanks to the influence of hollywood and love stories, to mean "he can make me horny" or "he's an arousal material". There's "no chemistry" = "he makes my thing dry no matter what he does".

Chemistry means sexual attraction. Period.

Hey Stargazer

When you find that on your dates you aren't developing sexual chemistry and you think you come off as a friend, its because your not polarizing your dates.

What I mean by this is that women are generally reactive to the moves a man makes. So if you don't make some sort of move she will most likely end up (at least subconsciously) thinking that you aren't interested - and then stop thinking of you as a romantic interest (enter the dreaded 'friendzone').

The way to prevent this happening is as I said, to polarize on your dates. This sounds pretty unpleasant but all it really means is making your intention clear - which forces your date to make a decision about you one way or another!

And here are a couple of extra points to consider:

1. women are natrually attracted to men who are attracted to them (and show it!)

2. Because of the way men and women tend to naturally interact, she is probably going to wait for YOU to make the first move.


As you are uncomfortable by escalating using physical touch (not a bad thing to be wary of!) it might seem like this is tough to do, but there are other ways you can do this.

You can make it clear by flirting and paying her pointed compliments (you look amazing in those jeans, or 'your eyes are very inviting'). Say this sort of stuff, and she will get the idea pretty quickly!

Anyway, I hope this helps.
I am a life/dating coach focusing on helping people with ASD so please feel free to ask me any questions you have, or check out my website

The smiley faces on here look slightly creepy don't they :/ haha

Stargazer, despite the gratutious meanness from goldfish and OOM, you're not doing anything wrong, and you don't have to do anything sexual that you don't feel like doing. It's important not to let yourself get pushed that way.

If you're uncomfortable with sexual things and it's because you're inexperienced and want to take things slowly, that's totally fine. There are girls who feel the same way. You'll know because they'll keep going out with you even though you aren't trying to get them into bed within three dates. And once you're comfortable with each other, and friends, the best thing to do is to talk about how you feel, and give her an opportunity to do the same. There are many platonic boyfriends in the world.

If you're uncomfortable just because you're not very sexual, and you know this, then you can tell women up front -- in a dating profile or what have you. That way all the cards are on the table, and you can make sure they understand before you even go out that, you know, if they want steamy, this is not the date. LTR, yes.

It's not a good idea to grab people anyway. Asking works fine. No lawyers are necessary.

Oh, and also, please do not try to "polarize" your dates or do whatever dumb dating-strategy thing was advised above. Not unless you want to signal, "Hi, I'm a creep!" Trying to force people to make decisions is what used-car salesmen do.

The thing about these dating strategies is that they're developed by people who're convinced there's some kind of angle for "getting women", like they're things to get. In reality, though, here's how dating goes:

Man and woman go on date. Woman says goodbye, doesn't look for sex, doesn't respond to texts/calls afterwards. Man demands to know why and she doesn't answer. Man, humiliated, goes to friends and demands to know why he's always being humiliated by women.

Answer: He's not "always being humiliated by women." She just doesn't like him. She's allowed not to like him. He doesn't have to like her, either.

Man asks, "What can I do to make women like me?"

Answer: If you're asking questions about how to make people do anything, you already have a problem. But the answer is "it depends". If you're creepy and unpleasant. stop being creepy and unpleasant. If you're actually the nice guy you're convinced you are, then the answer is nothing. Some people will like you, some won't. If you're the sort of person often described as "an acquired taste", well, maybe there are things you're doing that are unnecessarily assholish, and you can stop those. But if you're just odd, then you're odd, and it might take a while before you run into someone who appreciates you. But no, there's no "trick" or method for making women -- you know, that general, generic creature, "women" -- like you.