2 Year after breakup, still pissed off

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Title sums it up, I feel like I should be over this by now but nothing has worked, friends, family, therapy, faith, I still feel angry.

Just wondered if anyone had advice on what to do from here, I'm not going into major detail about it but based on how I'm feeling compared to how everyone else I know manages such a situation I am pretty sure my AS is a contributing factor towards this and how I think about it, plus I feel the need to post it, helps sort of..

Don't be too hard on yourself.
or
Don't expect too much peace to actually ever happen.

"Once burnt, twice shy," in a very literal sense is referring to the high intensity of pain involved in getting burnt.

Anyway, lingering emotions (even quite powerful ones) are very, ultra, super, common!
Almost everyone over age 15 says, "I've been hurt (in love) so now I want to be cautious," which means they're still feeling the pain.

As an example, some people can remain overtly bitter, and virulently angry for many decades. I'm sure you've met quite a few of these people.
They are even a staple in many sitcoms, it's that ubiquitous.
Then there's the group of people that are NOT overtly bitter and angry, and they're harder to notice, but it's still a very big group.

You sound like you're pretty well adjusted (all things considered) because if you were "overtly bitter, and virulently angry," then I imagine you would have -uncontrollably- written all sorts of scathing descriptions of this person's scandalous behavior.
Which you didn't.


Also, please remember that being angry about being wronged is normal and healthy.
Having these emotions are uncomfortable and probably aren't going to diminish satisfactorily.
Mostly, you'll probably have to wait until Life intrudes enough situations to eventually distract you with other stuff.

It might be related to ASD. I am not sure, but have myself tended to hold on strong feelings/responses beyond what normal people do. I too have sometimes tried techniques but with limited success. I think with the relationships it can be like your mind will hold onto the last data for quite a while, but it will slowly fade with time. Or it can be pushed out by having a new relationship.

I was pretty obsessed with my 1st girlfriend when we were together & was still hung up on things like 8 years later when I got in my 2nd relationship. I was hung up on my 2nd after we broke up till I started medication for OCD; I had OCD problems throughout my life & I realized some of the problems I had in those two relationships were somewhat related to OCD. I got in my current relationship rite after my OCD got better & I'm a much better person nowadays. I'm NOT saying I think you have OCD but OCD can coexist with Aspergers & lots of traits can overlap so it might be worth considering if you have lots of other OCD traits which I had & still have some but are alot better. It's also very common for us Aspies to have a special interest & for some of us like me it becomes our relationship. My relationship isn't exactly my special interest nowadays thou it defiantly is my strongest interest; I think the Neurontin/Gabapentin which is a seizure med occasionally used off-label for OCD, stops me from having a special interests but I'm much happier & more functional & a better relationship partner with my OCD improved but my OCD was sever in some ways.

The best advice one can give you is to not let previous bad experiences ruin your chances at having future good ones. I last talked to my ex over a year ago. Sure, I hate her, sure, I'd love to hear that she got mauled by a bear, but I've learned the only thing there is to do is to learn from the experience and use that for whoever you meet next to better serve the both of you. If you dwell on the past, if you meet other people to fill the hole your ex left behind, you'll never have a good relationship.

Well, as stated, may not necessarily be something connected to the AS, but the OCD.
I do not have AS, but I have a little OCD, (I'm starting treatment)

Relationship is over 3 months ago, I have not forgotten it (OCD) ... yet I nourish negative feelings, nothing involving bears ... but I'm wishing she felt the same loneliness that I feel (sorry, I'm not proud of it)

I think that just will overcome this obsession, the measure I get to enjoy life, and along the way find another woman who I like and who loves me

This is going to sound like it's impossible, but you have to forgive them. It helps me to determine what was wrong with his life that made him such a jerk to me. Most of the time, it was something out of his control, like sucky parents. Once I can realize that his awfulness was about his issues and not me, it becomes a lot easier to forgive. I don't let him back in to hurt me again, but it's easier to wish him the best from afar, and hope he gets the help he needs to handle his sh** one day. Then I move on and make sure the next person doesn't have the same issues.

The problem is our great long term memory. We tend to remember bad (social) events years later. And even feel them.

So true for me. Social perseveration is killing my brain. It's why I avoid interaction; I know that I won't be able to forget if something goes wrong.

I've had my string of failed relationships and might-have-beens. Despite my pessimism, somehow I know that I'll win the lottery.

I'm in the same boat as you mate. It's been 2 years since my ex and I broke up and I still curse her. However, multiple days do go by when I don't even think of her but then I'll start thinking about her and get mad and spout off a bunch of negative things about her and that time in my life...

Like others said, I think this relates to our habit of remembering, in great detail, bad social experiences in our lives.

The only thing you can do is focus on YOU and try your very best to move past. Start looking at and thinking about other girls.

You (the threadstarter) dont go into any details, so its pretty hard to know, why you are actually angry.

But from my experiences: If someone simply did not love you anymore, and so ended the relationship. Be happy. If your partner would have kept the relationship going, then you would know be in an faked relationship, with an partner that is only faking to be your partner and not loving you. By being honest to you, your partner gave you instead to have the opportunity to get into an real relationship again, with someone loving you.

If your partner ended the relationship in an really cruel/awkward way (Yop, had that as well.): Be happy: Luckily you have found out, that this partner is a moron, before you got into something serious. (Kids, Marriage, House-mortgage...) And gave you by doing so, the opportunity to find someone, to become serious with, that is not a moron and will ruin your life.

When a partner of mine ended our relationship in an truly sh***y way, it definitly hurt. But on the other side that hurting made me start using my brain, when it comes to relationships. Not instead of my heart but in addition to my heart. And so caused me to avoid tons of bad relationships afterward, because I learned, that only because your hormones are in love with someone, that does not make a good partner of someone. Becoming bitter and prejudicing others does not help, but learning from experiences does.

I still love both my exes & a celeb I had a huge obsession with for a couple years. Thoughts still sometimes cross my mind for various reasons but I realize & accept that we're better off not in each others lives. It helps that I don't come across my exes. We met on forums & the 1 I met my 1st on got shut down shortly after we broke up & I met my 2nd here on WP but I haven't stumbled across her posts in like a couple years. I really hope they're both doing good with everything but there's nothing I can do so I keep focused on my current girlfriend who I really do love too. I don't think it's possible for me to unlove anyone & I don't want to at this point. It sometimes hurts when thoughts cross my mind about certain things & I may feel anger about things or guit because of my stuff or that I didn't/couldn't do enough but at this point I wouldn't wish the pain & memories away if it would magically work; maybe I'm a fool The celeb is different because I cant completely avoid things related to her due to my interests & I don't feel a sense of closure sense I only quit crushing when I got in a relationship but it's not something I think about a whole lot anymore. My girlfriend is way more important to me & I have life & other stuff to focus on & distract me.

Last edited by nick007 on 02 Jun 2014, 12:24 pm, edited 1 time in total.

For those wondering about the history, you know how to look for people's previous posts. I suggest doing that if you're curious. But based on his history with this ex, she was very toxic to be around and she had little regard to him and his emotions or his diagnosis. Of course he would be pissed off. Hope you don't mind me linking your previous threads OP.

http://www.wrongplanet.net/postp5389926.html&highlight=#5389926

http://www.wrongplanet.net/postp5624451.html&highlight=#5624451

Well, there are various ways of dealing with this and some are better than others.

1) You could keep on pondering about a relationship that's been dead for two years, obsession is quite destructive so be careful here.

2) You could learn from your experience and then take some positive steps to find someone else.

3) You could immerse yourself in what the psychiatrists call a 'Displacement Activity' which totally takes your mind off your ex. I tackle complex problems in electronics and/or do the Martial Arts thing but your mileage may vary.

4) You could do something stupid and end up on the evening news.

I recommend a hearty dose of #3 whilst you work on #2 for a while.