Struggling to make conversation with girls; tips?

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Laurentius
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28 Jul 2014, 10:11 am

I've always struggled making conversation with the opposite sex when I feel attracted to them. ESPECIALLY when I feel attracted to them. Whether it's a long term attraction or a "holy-crap-you're-beautiful-I-can't-believe-you-exist-and-I-have-just-seen-you-for-the-first-time-argh" attraction, I suck, frankly. I start stuttering and talking about nothing, or I go red, or I beat a hasty retreat. Sometimes all of these.

I'll give you an example that illustrates my shyness;

I was handing in a piece of work at the Humanities office of the University I was at, and signing various sheets and anti-plagiarism declarations etc etc, and this girl started speaking to me, and smiled at me repeatedly, and I just about melted.
I really wanted to ask for her number, but holyHendrixplayingagoldplatedspaceguitarwithlasers was she beautiful, like, really my type (which no, I won't describe right now) and being really nice to me immediately, despite not knowing me. I did my best to reply but I immediately "ran" (i.e. hurriedly retreated) away as soon as the work was submitted, too frightened I'd make a fool of myself or be rejected by the pretty girl in such a public place, when later on I realised she must have been interested to have struck up a conversation with a complete stranger in the first place in such a friendly and forward way. So now I'm asking for tips, rather embarrassingly. I've had past experiences (negative experiences) with girls in relationships and otherwise that have also probably contributed to my shyness, so erm, help.

Please?


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Cafeaulait
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28 Jul 2014, 11:49 am

First off, I just want to point out that you are putting WAY too much importance on women.
Way, WAY too much. It sounds like you are rejecting yourself in your mind before they have a chance to get to know you. Be proud of who you are! All it takes is bravery and confidence in yourself. If you are passing in the hallways, just try to get the courage to greet them and softly smile. There is nothing more powerful than a genuine, acknowledging smile. Start with a question. Ask her something like, "What's your favorite sport?" "What did you do over the summer?" "Who's your toughest teacher?" Get one question out and listen to her answer. Then, answer the questions for yourself. Before you know it, you've had a conversation. If she wants to keep talking, great. If you're still too shy to say more, just say, "I'll see you later. Take care of yourself," and go on your way.



LocksAndLiqueur
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28 Jul 2014, 12:27 pm

Let me preface this by saying that I am not at all qualified to give advice on this subject. When I'm attracted to a girl, I typically either avoid her for fear of embarassing myself or let myself get talked into doing something stupid and dangerous.

So, if you know that there's something that the girl likes or is involved in, ask her about it. For example, there's a girl I like and found myself alone with this morning. One of the things that I know about her is that she's a quaker & I know a few things about quakers so I asked her questions like "Why don't you believe in drinking?" and "Why is it that you don't think baptisms are important?". Typically, religious discussions about religion and politics should be avoided, but I don't have any established beliefs one way or the other about religion so I typically don't have to worry about offending people. I just let them explain their beliefs to me, usuall tell them something to the effect of "I suppose that makes sense, but I can just never be sure about these things".

I also know that she's into kingdom hearts, final fantasy, harry potter, Star Wars, Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles and similar topics. One day at work, she brought up the fact that Splinter copied Hamato Yoshi's moves before he was exposed to the radioactive goop, so he must have just naturally been an intelligent rat with an interest in martial arts. The slime just made him bigger and gave him the ability to talk. We then joked about an exterminator having to deal with a swarm of ninja rats armed with tiny katanas.

The more I got to know her, the more information I felt comfortable sharing with her. For example, I told her the story of how I got kicked out of the highschool (which she thought was pretty funny. I have to admit that looking back, it is kind of funny). At one point, she asked me if I had Asperger's. It turns out that she's an aspie too and I'm the first other aspie she's met.

I guess the main points here are to start small and take baby steps, find out what she's interested in/passionate about and get her talking about it, find common interests and things you have in common to talk about. Of course, sometimes it's nice to talk about experiences that dramatically contrast her own. In my case, I've been in special ed since the third grade whereas the girl I'm talking to has always gone to nice private schools. Her own experiences of having access to an education that (from what I've heard) is much better than anything offered by the public schools around here and my own experiences of being stuck with those deemed unfit for normal public school and having to deal with physical violence as well as less alarming issues (such as students showing up high on a variety of illicit substances ranging from ritalin to PCP or carving symbols into their flesh) on a daily basis mean that each of us have had experiences that are stange and interesting to the other.



Laurentius
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28 Jul 2014, 2:02 pm

Cafeaulait wrote:
It sounds like you are rejecting yourself in your mind before they have a chance to get to know you. Be proud of who you are! All it takes is bravery and confidence in yourself


Yeah, I kinda took a massive hit to my confidence over the past year due to things with a girl, and due to social rejection, isolation and eventual depression at that same uni due to some very cruel Hall-mates and classmates, along with self-loathing and self-deprecation that I was already dealing with.

Now I'm feeling "better" and I can't get back on the horse with girls at all, and a recent bad relationship has exacerbated it. That's why I asked for help!

Your advice was really helpful though, thank you. As was yours Locks and Liqueur, both of you have given me some insight as to how to approach the situation in future :).


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"Become what you are." - Nietzsche, taken from Pindar

"A Gentleman is never rude. Except on purpose." - Christopher Hitchens