Please help I'm a nt female dating an aspie male

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Hello,I hope someone can give me some advice with a few problems I am having. I am a NT female in a relationship with an AS male. This is my third relationship with someone who is an aspie. I love intelligent men,probably why I'm attracted to AS men. My last two relationships were over three years each. The one I'm in now it's just two months old. Basically he gives me mixed signals. He tells me he loves me he tells me I'm the most beautiful woman he has ever been with. Then he will change ,when he is depressed which is most of the time. He will tell me he doesn't love me and that he's not attracted to me sexually. I have never had a problem attracting men most think I look like Pamela Anderson without all the plastic surgery.it also bothers him about our ages I'm 37 and he is 25 but he looks way older and I look younger so no one ever says anything but he tells everyone how old I am. He also doesn't like my bleach blonde hair,that I wear makeup or that I'm American. He is French Canadian I believe he loves me but when he is depressed he tells me that he doesn't and will reiterate that he is not attracted sexually to me that he is just being honest. When I ask why he tells me he loves me if that's a lie ,he will skip the question and just says he doesn't lie. His last relationship was very bad the girl cheated on him a lot so he has a hard time trusting,I'm the first woman he has been with in 2 yrs. he just sits in his room playing video games. He is a very talented boxer so I have been encouraging him to go to the gym which is getting him out of the house in return less video games. The only time he is happy is in the gym so I try and get him there often he is very grateful and will say he needs me and wants me in his life then in a blink of an eye he is saying he doesn't love me and he really doesn't want me around. I have gotten inside his brain a few times and he has cried and told me very personal things he had told no one else.i love him so much and want to make it work everyone has quit on him I don't want too. I did do something that has really made him take a step back. I came to visit him in Montreal which is a 7 hr trip when I was almost there he freaks out tells me he doesn't love me and again is not attracted to me sexually he was really mean that time and I called an old bf told him what happened he said he would take me to dinner an some sexual things I said some back. That was it I didn't text him back but went to see my bf he was in a good mood said I love you treated me good the next day he looked at my phone while i was in the shower saw that text and now is really mean. I never tried to hide it I also told him he was pushing me to hear nice things from other guys because he is breaking my spirit I have told him that several times in the past. I feel horrible and regret what I did but he is pushing me away so much and confusing me with the way he treats me I truly thought it was going to be over. So far he and I are still together but he won't say he loves me and he is only with me cause he has no one else. Please if there is anybody that can give me advice and help me find ways to help him be happy and stop being so hurtful to me I would much appreciate it thanks

You're only two months in, I would get out now honestly. I highly doubt he is unaware that saying these kinds of things to you is very hurtful and it doesn't sound like he's prepared for a relationship.

I agree with calstar, get out now. Only two months in yet this relationship is already in a hurtful place, and this guy is out of line in his unkind and unfair treatment of you, aspie or not.

Thank you I know I should but I just feel like I'm quitting on him. I feel like I was brought in his life for a reason and he was brought in mine for something.i feel he does love me even though he says no he doesn't more than he says he does. I just need to find a way to help him win this war in his mind he believes he should be sad and I know he can and will be happy he needs to try and be positive everyday his mind will start seeing the positive as normal instead of the negative. I think if he's positive he will be able to love himself and me. I just don't know if I can wait that long with all the sadness he makes me feel. I feel like im failing him if I walk away,I just want him to stop with negative.yesterday was the first day we never argued and he never said anything negative. He also made me feel alone never gave me a kiss or said something nice he can't even cuddle me at night. He did give me a hug for rubbing ointment on his tattoo. I think I would if rather had a thanks the hug felt very distant and more like a friend. I don't know do I take this day like he tried and things will get better or is it that he really does not want me in his life and he does really not like me. I'm so sad and confused with him

I can totally understand your feelings of wanting to help him, not wanting to quit on him. I've been in similar relationships where I cared for the guy so much that I too felt like I could save him from himself, help him, be the one whose love and caring got him over whatever was troubling him.

I hate to say it but, those situations never turned out well for me. I never did manage to help the person to happiness no matter how much I tried -- some people can't be healed even by the caring person who stands by them in their difficulties. I myself needed some caring but never got it. So I gave it and kind of thought that things would turn out like they do in the movies -- "my love saved the tortured soul of the man who at first was cold and rejecting because of his tortured soul!" There are lots of fictional love stories that have that storyline, in books and movies. In my personal case I think I was taking those for real life, but in my own real life those men only continued to hurt me and I had to learn the hard way that you have to walk away for your own self-respect and self-preservation. It's taken me years to learn that. I could have cut my losses a long time ago if I'd only known this rarely works out well, earlier in my life.

I think this stuff isn't even to do with Asperger issues as even NT get caught up in trying to help someone who is moody and depressed (NT too) yet things don't go well, and it just turns out to be one loving person getting nowhere with the person who loves the other less. This is an NT problem too, it's just human not particularly Aspie or NT.

This guy seems like he's secretly crying out for help and healing from the love of a good woman, and you feel like you are the one who could provide it -- but usually these things just don't work out. Often the person who is being this cold really is not interested, and sometimes you have to take that as exactly what it looks like. We like to think the coldness is just a cover up for "Please love me and help me," but very often it really is just "I'm not that into you." I know you care for him greatly and don't want to abandon him, but honestly this is doing you harm. You mention feeling sad because of his treatment of you, and he treats you like he doesn't like you.

This is NOT good! This is very destructive to you, and that's why I say that no matter how much you care for this man and want to help him, you're getting hurt in the process, and you deserve better than that.

I totally relate to what you're saying, but this is so sad for you that I can't help seeing no future in it and wanting you to find happiness with someone who deserves a person as caring as you are.

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He is caught up in his past pain and is happy to have you around and likes you from what you indicate. The problem is the past. He can't let it go. The hurtful comments towards you despite liking you... Well in a psychological and spiritual sense, his behaviors indicate self-defeating personality.

I'm not a doctor nor no expert. Just someone who has done what he has done before. Noone comes back after that. Hopefully he will learn when enough people walk away from him.

It's important to remember that looks and age are VERY important to men when it comes to attraction. I'm not saying that's a good thing. I'm just saying that's the way it is. You can't forget it. Although personality matters, you're looks and age are primarily what are going to attract men, and keep them attracted. I'm sure you are a beautiful person, but you are going to age before he does, at which point there is a real risk he is going to start longing for a younger and more youthful looking woman.

All things considered, I think you're better off leaving this guy and sticking with men you're own age.

Thank u everyone. I am so torn with all the emotions inside me right now. I'm here in Montreal until wed. No matter what so I will hope I can break through a little so I know it's worth the fight. If not I'm going home and will forget about this relationship. I just know in my heart he is going to need me just from the past talks and it's going to kill me knowing I won't be there. As far as age I don't have a specific age group I date but I have to admit young guys always pursue me and I have never had one that acted so neg. about age the guys I dated like to show me off. What's funny is that everywhere I go I get hit on and he likes that I make sure the guy knows I'm with him.tells me how beautiful I am but then will stress he is not interested in me. Next minute he says please stay with me I need u. Then if you leave I wouldn't care cause I don't love u. It is so horrible to feel up and down up and down. I just feel like we were brought together for a reason.

You can't fix people. They only change on their own if they want to. It's not your job to mend him. He is not a project. It's a tough thing to hear, but you can't make someone love you.

Why do you want to be with someone who hurts you and who has broken your spirit?