This is tough. I’m normally the optimist on WP. The outlook on BPD, unfortunately, is pretty grim. I’ve dealt with similar issues throughout my life, but in my case it’s never been something I couldn’t think through or outgrow. With me, it was a matter of realizing I was in a toxic relationship and summoning enough courage to get out of it. I had to become willing to spend the rest of my life alone if that’s what it took. My relationship failures afterwards were a matter of finding where it was I was a toxic person myself, to understand and accept at the right time that a relationship had no future, and that I didn’t have to live my life desperate for a “soul mate’s” attention.
Over time I’ve come to realize that relationships don’t have to succeed to be successful. You want to know that this is someone you can be with long term. When things fall apart, you have your answer and you can move on. If you can view dating as exploration rather than relationship building, you don’t have to feel so attached. Don’t worry, relationships will develop naturally regardless. It’s dealing with abandonment as an actual healthy, normal part of the process that stings for most of us. Once you accept that breakups and rejection are actually positives, it starts to make a lot more sense.
With BPD it’s all emotion, and when emotions overwhelm reason you’re going to have behavior you cannot effectively manage. I suffer from severe depression. I handle it by consciously reminding myself that there is nothing actually wrong or worth being sad about. It’s just a mood and I have work to do. The toughest part is this sense of being frozen and completely shutting down. I get past it by doing small, repetitive tasks that need to be done anyway, and THEN making that important phone call or sending that email when the cloud passes. For example, in the fall I might go out to the marching band practice field and repaint the lines. I can stay busy long enough until I feel I can focus enough to order supplies or fill out requisitions or call parents or write lesson plans and other teacherly things. I imagine what you’re dealing with is many orders of magnitude more than my issues, and I’m not entirely sure for someone with BPD whether simply being aware of what’s happening internally is going to fix things. It’s good that you’re getting therapy, and I hope things turn around for you.
You did hit on one very important thing: Any time there is something you cannot help that becomes an unreasonable stigma for getting a date with anyone, no potential date even really deserves the truth. Exceptions to that are things that could cause real harm to someone, such as HIV/AIDS, hepatitis, terminal illness even if it’s not contagious, chronic illness, and certain mental disorders. Autism is hardly anything that by itself is a threat. There’s no need for someone to know about it if it’s not obvious. I’d be more concerned with your BPD diagnosis since that actually could result in unintentional harm to another person. And it means an inherent relational instability. I don’t mean to come across as harsh, but I think this is shaky ground. If you can honestly manage your BPD so it doesn’t harm your partner or destabilize your relationship, then there’s nothing to talk about. But on the other hand, have you considered that while dealing with BPD that romantic relationships might be too much for you to reasonably handle? I don’t mean to come across as harsh or judgmental, but there’s just no easy answer for you here.
11 Mar 2021, 10:18 pm
