Anyone else reject normality in relationships?

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I have come to believe that normality is a hindrance in maters of relationships for instance "dating" i find formal dating to be ridicules dressing up and taking a woman to a place so we can both watch each other eat and talk is disturbing and a waste of time casual dating is a little better but still dangerous because it is most often a front that can easily be used to give a false illusion of a person therefore the concept of "dating" is dysfunctional. I have found that in order to have a truly functional relationship starting as friends first is absolutely essential getting to know each other as friends and learning the subtle meanings beneath the words we say is the only way to truly understand a person men and women are different creatures and there is no way words alone can translate how we each feel entirely without spending time together and how long varies widely depending on how guarded each person is but eventually there true self comes out and this is where most forced relationships fail so knowing this the only way to have a real relationship is to start as friends and as the time passes enjoying each others company the mask eventually comes off and you can begin to learn who each person truly is and after this point a real relationship becomes possible. I dont claim to be an expert in this subject i am merely a student sharing my findings and personal beliefs

I also feel that two people should be friends before dating.

I agree entirely.

The best relationship I ever had, we met online, messaged through the site a few times, then emailed multiple times daily for a couple of weeks, then talked on the phone daily for almost a week. Then we met, by which time we had already established that we had a great deal in common and that we were massively intellectually attracted to one another. Our senses of humor really meshed, too. So, when we finally met in person, there was not that feeling of it being an interview, we were already relaxed with one another and could just enjoy each other's company.

Traditional dating skeeves me out.

if friends first is the only way. I suppose I will never have a relationship. I can not be friends with someone I like romantically and I can't like a friend romantically. Just how my mind is wired.

Eureka13,

is that not how most dating is done now?

There's never really been any standard of abruptness... It's much easier to relate to the circumstances of the actual dates if you ask me. No way would I be as happy as I am now without a bunch of nonsense shenanigans in my neighborhood to prepare my obtuse mind for positivity I didn't even see coming. All we're really discussing is a jumble of ethical boundaries, however I can't pinpoint any time in human history when enjoying oneself on a date meant obeying any legal precedent at all...

My other recent (w/in the last 3 years) experience with dating has been that you exchange a few messages, then one person suggests meeting. You meet, you "interview" each other, which is a singularly excruciating process for me. I can NOT be spontaneous unless I already know the other person fairly well, so it feels horribly stilted and awkward to me. Invariably, one person is more interested in pursuing it further than the other one is, so it ends on an uncomfortable (and potentially even hostile) note.

I'd much rather get to know someone in greater depth before ever agreeing to meet, but in today's instant gratification society, no one else seems to be willing to put in the time. It really feels more like a formal job interview than it does two people exploring mutual interests. P.S. I *hate* job interviews.

I do too. I am starting to wonder if this is why some don't stick around. Maybe they were expecting me to ask them out at a certian point. had a lady message me asking what I was doing for the 4th. was this a hint to ask her out.

I don't do things fast. I take time to think it over. I like to talk via text for a while. It helps so when we meet up , I can actually talk to her. I also feel that by messaging a lot pre date it can save both people the wasted date.

I just can't do the whole were are friends thing that turns into romance.

when I message these women the whole time, my mindset is romantic. will they be a good potential mate. Really is no door between friends and gf for me. female friends are generally people in a relationship already. which is why my mind is able to put them into the friend room. If I had one who later broke up and confessed feelings to me I don't know what I would do.

Yes. She didn't likely care what you were doing for the 4th. What she wanted to know was if you wanted to spend the 4th with her if you didn't already have plans.

Friends first is a useful tactic because it fits with a few neurodiverse relationship preferences, mostly with requiring a lot more effort than is typical. A date doesn't take more than maybe half an hour. Becoming friends with somebody requires much more effort.

But I don't think it is only way. It's just that the alternative ways require people knowing and using their natural preferences and to stop mimicking NTs.

well never been asked out by a woman and never think it'll happen.

I generally ask such things cause 1. I care and want to know 2. it seems the appropriate NT small talk to do. like asking how someone's day is going when you see them.

I don't see why on earth this lady would be into me, so I don't get that she'd ask me out. nor know how to have responded to that.

It's possible that she was just making small talk because most Americans would be doing something for the 4th, but if she was messaging you on a dating site then chances are she was trying to find out if you'd have liked to have met up with her and done something together for the 4th.

Obviously the 4th has passed, but you could still message her and see if she'd like to get together some other time. How she responds to that would let you know if she was interested in getting together with you or if it was just small talk. Then you'd have your answer, even if it was rejection it's still valuable - because then you'd know vs. guess. Obviously don't message and ask her out if you're simply not interested in her, though. But if you are.. then you could still message and find out if she did want to get together.