How can I form a real romantic relationship?

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I am not a shy person and I easily make friends and flirt with other people. I am not a virgin by any stretch of the imagination, and I am capable of forming deep friendships which last for years or even decades. However, I have never had a serious romantic relationship. I tend to either fall in love with people who are unavailable or push away people who fall in love with me. I do not know why this is, but I suspect that it may have something to do with my deeply ingrained masking behavior. I got a score of 130 on the CAT-Q, which explains why people usually label me as generally "weird" instead of specifically "autistic". Does anyone else have a similar experience? If so, can you shed some light on why it is so difficult to experience genuine intimacy? And is there a way to stop being afraid of this?

I can relate to the difficulty in having a romantic relationship. Except for me love never even gets out of the starting gate. Or if it does the horse goes lame on the first sprint. I never even get the change to reject others.

None of my friends believe me when I tell them this and they wonder about me being single so long. The only explanation I have is that my soul mate must have rejected me somewhere along the way and there is no one else interested. Seriously.

I will have to go take that test. Not sure how well I 'mask' as I don't really think about it.

Sorry you are having troubles too. I think it's common nowadays unfortunately in this swipe-right-for-love hedonist culture within which we are living.

Here is a link https://embrace-autism.com/cat-q/

I am sorry to hear that you struggle with this also. A lot of neurotypical people do seem to have trouble with this too, so in that way we are not so alone.

Oh thanks! I found it and took it rather quickly before work here and got a 115. I think it wasn't higher because at my age, I really don't care as much anymore if people think I am weird, but I still go out of my way to want to present a nice front. Ya know?

Also, there are other ways I mask I think that are more involved.

~Peace

I enjoyed that link. I got a 140.

In regards to romance, supposedly human nature involves a couple meeting and becoming infatuated with each other long enough to get a child out of diapers.

I don’t see how anyone analyzes the situation not based on that.

I can see how some people have a fear of losing themselves in that and override their programming to prevent that.

I imagine as a female that could include not allowing the male to stick around. I imagine the infatuation is easier to overcome in neurodiverse people.

I imagine the fact that I write such a post as this one is compensation and masking.

In regards to neurotypical people masking, imagine the masking that psychopaths must go through. I imagine a difference between masking of a neurotypical and an autistic is the effort involved. Neurotypical people obviously try to conform. There is obviously a self aware component.

Someone taking the test in the link would score higher depending on how self aware they are. It seems to focus on conscious effort.

Maybe I am just missing the boat on this. It is kinda funny but if I post a qualifier like this last paragraph it makes my posts unintelligible. What power I hold sway over the masses! Ha, Ha.

Since you frequently mention your religious beliefs, I have a question: Do you attend a large (or large-ish) church?

If so, have you asked the pastor to consider starting a support group for adult members of the congregation who are on the autism spectrum?

Might be a good way to make some more friends, possibly including a potential mate, given that autistic men seem to outnumber outnumber autistic women.

Thank you for your interest. I doubt my pastor would do that. The church is so large they already have lots of small groups in place and most people around here aren't even aware they are autistic...unless they are school-age children and have been identified in the system.

Plus, like I said, I am pretty sure I already met my SM and was rejected by him. So why keep trying? I gave up trying last year. I think this is reasonable considering I tried really hard for 12 years to find a mate/have a relationship.

I think most autistic adults, in general, are seen by most people as "weird" rather than specifically "autistic," regardless of how much we mask. The only differences are in how obviously "weird" we are and how much we stress over it.


My experiences are very different from yours, insofar as I have had a very different life strategy. But perhaps the following might shed some light on why you have such difficulty experiencing emotional intimacy, and what you can do about it.

My own life strategy has been the opposite of relying on masking. Instead of trying to be normal, I have usually, whenever possible, preferred to seek out situations where I could get away with being an oddball. Throughout my adult life, my social life has revolved around the search for fellow oddballs of one kind or another. As a result of this life strategy, I've been able to achieve emotional intimacy with a number of people, both in romantic relationships and in friendships.

Emotional intimacy, by definition, involves the mutual sharing of deep aspects of ourselves. Hence emotional intimacy, by definition, is incompatible with relying too much on masking.


One possible way to learn to experience genuine emotional intimacy: Just keep participating in support groups, both in-person and online (including forums like Wrong Planet).

In a support group/forum, it is easy to experience a relatively safe, one-dimensional kind of emotional intimacy, in isolation from the other aspects of a friendship or romantic relationship. A support group is all about sharing aspects of ourselves that we normally hide from the world -- and that is emotional intimacy, by definition.

Perhaps enough experience with this one-dimensional kind of emotional intimacy may make it easier for you to experience emotional intimacy in other, more multi-dimensional contexts too, such as friendships and eventually a romantic relationship?

* * * * * * * * *
EDIT: Because you mentioned that you've been able to have deep and lasting friendships, I suspect that perhaps your main source of difficulty with attaining romantic love might not be difficulties with emotional intimacy after all. Rather, I suspect that your main problem might be your beliefs about romantic love, e.g. confusing sustainable romantic love with mutual infatuation? See my next post, below.

Last edited by Mona Pereth on 04 Jan 2023, 6:28 am, edited 2 times in total.

I disagree. Infatuation ("falling in love") is not the same thing as what I would call sustainable romantic love. Too many people confuse the two, which causes lots of problems.

Sustainable romantic love is, IMO, essentially a very close friendship in conjunction with mutual erotic attraction.


Infatuation is indeed dangerous in lots of ways. First, it is rarely mutual. Usually it's just one person infatuated with the other, which is a recipe for heartbreak. Second, even if you're lucky enough for your infatuation to be mutual, it's likely to be temporary, and, while it lasts, it impels people to overlook incompatibilities that may end up being deal-breakers in the long run.

Luckily I was raised to regard infatuation as a useless trap.

Infatuation is not the same thing as emotional intimacy and is not a prerequisite to romantic love. Sustainable romantic love is not like a chasm one "falls" into. Rather, like friendship, it is more like a tree that grows when sufficiently nurtured.

Honestly, I feel if “sustainable practical” love could be combined with lust/infatuation, it would be an ideal situation.

I’m not a fan of the “seven-year itch.”

I absolutely abhor the “business-like” sorts of marriages.

By "sustainable romantic love," I don't mean something that's just "practical" and "businesslike," either. I defined it above as a close friendship in conjunction with mutual erotic attraction. While a close friendship can have its "practical" and "businesslike" aspects, it needs to be much more than that.

Infatuation is something else. Infatuation is an overwhelming emotional obsession with another person, usually a person whom one doesn't even know anywhere near well enough to know whether they are even remotely compatible.

EDIT: In the past, when people I barely knew have "fallen in love" with me, my reaction was usually something like, "How can you love me when you don't even know me?" I felt that they didn't actually love me, but that what they loved was only an image of me that they held in their heads.

I agree-----it's usually an idealized image of a person, rather than the person him/herself, whom people "fall in love" with at "first sight."

I had trouble in that area. I thought God said to me that my relationship with him would mirror my relationship with women. So, I used to do nothing but Christian activities..which didnt work as that was trying to live by works.
Then I stopped worshipping in my spare time and hardly prayed when I was relying on faith.
Now I pray and worship in my spare time each day, but also do other stuff for myself and now I have a good relationship with a woman.

I imagine it is cognitive dissonance that prevents you from recognizing a scientific phenomenon for what it is …. and instead focusing on my use of the word infatuation … and then expounding on the pitfalls of infatuation.

Or perhaps, confirmation bias prevents you from registering new information.

It is a good thing to recognize in ourselves. It is not lust or infatuation. My understanding is it is a surge of some hormones that make you feel peace or something, and it makes you overlook other person’s flaws for a period of time, and it is mutual. If it is not mutual it is something else.

It can be triggered by spending time with someone for totally altruist or random reasons. Registering the existence of the phenomenon could save someone’s career or prevent someone from being scammed.

I imagine ego investment, the sink cast fallacy, the dominant feminine imperative, sticking to a script makes people come up with the stuff they put in sermons on Sunday. I know I am supposed to nod my head and say amen or face the wrath.

I don’t know you so it is nothing personal. I guess my point is that what I mentioned is just a phenomenon that happens. One could argue that if it didn’t happen someone did not fall in love. I am the one who has to wonder why what people say sounds like gibberish and why I must face wrath because of it.

Perhaps you could provide a link to an article about the scientific finding in question, instead of expecting us to just "recognize ... for what it is" your apparently vague recollection of an alleged "scientific phenomenon"?


But you did use the word "infatuation" in your previous post.

Instead of speculating on my motives, please just clarify what you're talking about, by providing a link to an article about the actual scientific finding.

I will post some links. They come from searching "study of hormones in romance". I imagine there has been more than one study.

https://sitn.hms.harvard.edu/flash/2017 ... anionship/

https://pubmed.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/15177709/

https://www.mindbodygreen.com/articles/ ... re-in-love

https://news.harvard.edu/gazette/story/ ... y-of-love/