Ladies, are you oblivious when people are attracted to you?

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I suppose this applies to men, too, but to a lesser extent since they are expected in our culture to be the pursuer. I've found that I'm not very good at recognizing when men are attracted to me unless they are extremely blatant about it. Unfortunately, the types of guys that do that tend to be unpleasant. You know, sleazy or overconfident types. I've been told on a few occasions when guys have been hitting on me or checking me out, but I just don't recognize it. I can't tell the difference between romantic behavior and just being nice. This is a problem for me because I could have potentially let some really great guys pass me by. I suppose they just give up because I don't respond to them. My guess is that it's due primarily to AS, but also to my own self-esteem issues. I don't expect people to find me attractive, so I don't notice it when it happens.

Does this happen to anyone else, male or female?

I always thought of it as the other way round. Women are always so much more subtle when they're attracted to someone, whereas us men are usually pretty obvious. Bigger smiles than normal, eye contact held for a little longer than normal, light touches to the arms or shoulders -- all indicators that a guy fancies a girl. But because we're "supposed to" be the pursuers (a "rule" of society that I hate. A lot.), we have to bite the bullet, bury that fear of rejection and just try our luck, even if we don't have a clue whether a girl likes us or not. I'm lucky in that every girlfriend I've ever had (a grand total of four) has made it quite clear they like me, but this has only been in the last year or so. Before that, I never had a girlfriend because I was totally oblivious to girls liking me (although I've got a horrible feeling none actually did like me anyway. Most girls seem to dislike me for no reason)

You make a good point. I don't know what it's like to be a guy, but I would imagine it's a lot more difficult because the ball is in your court most of the time. Perhaps I should rephrase myself: Recognizing interest is hard for both genders, but for different reasons. I think women who are lost in their own heads much of the time, like myself, are poor at picking up on obvious signals. Whereas men encounter difficulties because of the way men and women are expected to act in these situations.

I hope it's that I'm oblivious. Otherwise, it's just sad. I don't think I'm ugly or good looking. Does anyone think that maybe some of us have some kind of look, some way of holding ourselves or set to the face or expression that turns people away without trying? Or makes others not think of us as datable?

I was like this as a young teen, but I've learned (somewhat) from paying close attention. One interesting thing is, it's not just aspires who are bad at flirting.

I read an article recently in which scientists did a test, matching people up in rooms on blind dates. Some of the people were supposed to act like they were flirting, others not. Then the participants said whether or not they thought they were being flirted with. I believe the results were something like, 70% of people could tell when the other person was NOT flirting, and only 30-40% could tell when the other person WAS flirting.

Then again, some of these research studies aren't always that accurate. I will try to find the article and take a more in-depth look.

I'm blind to all of this stuff unless someone flat-out tells me

So, in other words, the number of people that thought their date was flirting with them was more or less the same, whether or not they were actually flirting? That's a bit hard to believe, unless the study was done on aspies.

Just for fun, I did a Google search on "how to tell if someone is flirting with you" and came up with 9,810,000 hits. I'm guessing this is not strictly an ASD problem!

I frequently don't have a clue LOL

With the famous Aspie intensity and proclivity for research? All those hits could be generated from a couple of dozen of us alone

You've got a point!

It is very easy that you just do not present as approachable. It's difficult enough for a man to approach a woman, but if she is not projecting a fun and "hi, I'm notgoing to bite your head off if you approach me" attitude, if any guys are interested, you will never know.

Thanks, Vicky. I can't change the past, but it helps to think there may have been interest in me but none of them felt comfortable approaching me than to think there was zero interest ever

Only a few times.

I can usually tell.

Just curious, Hale Bopp,

What part of New Zealand do you reside?

Don't worry--I'm not asking for a specific city--just a region. New Zealand is really a pretty place.

A friend of mine told me recently that he would flirt with me all the time last year. The sad thing was I didn't know he had been flirting with me until he told me.

I misread a lot of that stuff and that includes physical contact.