I think an Aspie guy likes me (NT). Now what??

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So I met an Aspie guy (he's late 20s, I'm in my early 30s) at a party for a mutual friend of ours. I was attracted to him the minute I saw him, and I asked my friends who he was. They said he's a super nice, super smart guy but that he has Asperger's and that's why he seems a bit quirky. I talked to him throughout the night, he's very social, and all of us ended up crashing after the party at this friend's house. Aspie guy, I'll call him Mike, ended up on the same couch as me and, both of us being a bit drunk, started basically coming on to me. The lights were out and everyone else was asleep, and Mike starts getting "handsy" with me, which I didn't mind as I liked him and was intoxicated so my guard was down. He was telling me that I'm pretty, that I seem smart, and he was quite forward - eventually taking my shirt off and putting his hands down my pants! We fooled around a bit and then fell asleep, with him grabbing my arm and wrapping it around him in a tight hug and me being the "big spoon."

In the morning, he continued to be very affectionate and kept asking if I was okay with what had happened. He kept asking if I regretted what we did the night before, and I said no, of course not, that if I hadn't wanted it to happen I would have asked him to stop. I told him I liked him and he said he "felt a real connection" with me. That was it, though. We went our separate ways after that and neither of us got a phone number or anything from the other.

When I talked about it with our mutual friends later, I asked if Mike does that sort of thing often, but they said that he has NEVER done anything like that before and that he must like me. They got a real kick out of the whole thing and told me I should ask him out.

Long story short, this same routine has happened several times when we've been at the same gatherings. When we play cards or other group games, he always wants to be on my team and seems to be especially considerate of me, asking throughout the evening if I want a drink refill or anything to eat, etc. He makes it a point to sleep in the same place as me when we stay at a friend's house overnight, and he always makes the first move when we start to fool around. He hasn't tried to contact me outside of these situations, though, and after doing a lot of research about Aspies and how they view social relationships, I understand that this is not usual and that if I want to pursue more of a relationship with him, I should be straight-forward and tell him that that's what I would like.

Aspies: Does his behavior seem to indicate that he likes me and would possibly be interested in dating? I would like to get to know him better and see what happens. He seems like a great guy and has a great sense of humor, very similar to mine. We both like clever puns, plays on words, trivia, etc. but I do have a hard time reading him as he seems very aloof sometimes, which I also understand is typical of Aspies but isn't necessarily representative of his actual feelings.

Just looking for some friendly advice. Thanks for reading!

You know, the thought that occurred to me when reading this is he may want something more out of this as well. Why he hasn't said anything is possibly because he doesn't quite have the social skills to do so, or he is to anxious about the possible response.

The being nice thing is kind of obvious that he is a good aspie and the taking advantage of you when drinking shows me he could use some common sense training on respecting boundaries if it came down to that. I do hope that his being nice is consistent, and it sounds like your friends have backed that up.

If you want more out of him, you may have to ask him.

I find it strange that both of you feel very comfortable with each other and even fool around with each other at these parties, yet neither of you tried to initiate some form of contact or meetings outside of these parties. From my point of view, this would indicate that neither of you is interested in something more serious.

Why haven't you tried to get his phone number or email adress?

If you really like him, you should try to get in contact with him.

Maybe both of you feel insecure about the intentions of the other and wait for the other to make the next move.

Judging by what you have written, I would think that he likes you. I don't know why he has not tried to contact and meet you, but this could be related to what aspiemike wrote.

I would think he likes you a lot, because I, as an aspie, would have a lot of trouble bringing myself to get so involved physically with anyone (like that, at least). If he has enough confidence to do all that, whether or not he's drunk, he likes you. Added to the fact that he's NEVER done that before.

Thank you for the responses, everyone. I think the assumption that we both might be just anxious or insecure about the intentions or response of the other person is accurate.

To be clear, since our initial meeting, we HAVE exchanged numbers and email addresses, but that was in part because we are planning a week-long camping trip with mutual friends and need to coordinate via email and text with each other and others in the group. But at least now I have the option of texting him directly if I want to.

And, after I "liked" a funny observation that he posted on Facebook, he emailed me directly to further discuss the post, and we emailed back and forth a few times about the topic, but it didn't stray beyond that. It was very interesting conversation, but not personal or flirtatious in any way, and he didn't initiate any other topics or pose any questions; he simply responded to my statements and left it at that.

Fortunately, we will have the chance to get to know one another better on this camping trip, and perhaps, depending on how it goes, I'll be more clear about his intentions afterward. I'm looking forward to it. If he still seems interested in me, I just might ask him if he'd like to go on a proper date.

He likes you.

Yeah, don't expect any sort of...typical "signs" or whatever from him, for lack of a better way to phrase it. Body language, social etiquette, nothing like that is going to be what you're expecting. If you really want to know something, IMO the best way to find out is to ask him.

As people have said, he almost certainly does like you. As an aspie guy, I must admit that aspie guys are about the least subtle people on the planet. Being an aspie, he is likely aware that he may do something 'awkward' while drunk, so he was likely asking you the next morning about what he had done because he figured 'I've never done that before, and many people who do that are seen as perverts. I should make sure she doesn't think I'm perverted.' He likely hasn't asked you out or for something more seriously because he simply doesn't know how to do it without taking the risk of sounding awkward (again, aspie guys are very awkward, and by his age, they know they're awkward, and often avoid saying things like that thinking it will be awkward). Its probably best that you ask him in person (alone if at all possible) if these feeling are true.

I'm going to add my two cents. So when you go to these parties, he is surrounded by friends who know he's an Aspie and clearly have a good opinion of him as a person. In other words, he's in his comfort zone. It also sounds like he's high functioning, so he was able to pull off getting a circle of friends who like and respect him. Good for him!

But when it comes to private communication, I don't think he knows what to do. When you liked something on facebook he contacted you because he had an excuse to do so. But he doesn't know how to turn that opportunity into an opportunity to see you in private. I bet he thinks about you a lot, and he desires to see you. It's probably a hard situation for him.

So yeah, I'm with everybody else on this, the guy likes you, and he sounds like a really nice guy at that. I think you'll need to break the normal male/female protocol and ask him out. Don't worry, if you ask a guy out, you won't abruptly burst into flames, dying a most painful death, only to be sent into the abyss for eternity. I promise!

Thanks for all the advice, folks! I appreciate you sharing your thoughts.

Temper expectations and don't rush things - if the basis on how you met is a drunken physical encounter you ought to take the time to get to know each other before really overthinking anything at all..

You are both playing the neurodiverse courtship game, which can last quite some time. If you want things to advance at a faster pace, you are better off breaking the typical dating expectations and take initiative yourself.

I don't think it comes down to social difficulties as much as it is related to his inability to make advances in the typical way. He probably is feeling he is unable to go any further outside of his comfort zone. He will need a lot more time with his version of dating before he will be able to advance.

Well, the camping trip is over and the jury is still out, so to speak. I'm under the impression, based on what everyone here has said, that "Mike" does in fact like me, but it's still confusing being an NT and trying to read him and know what he wants.

The same thing happened that has happened every other time I've been around him; He tried to sleep wherever I was sleeping and cuddled with me. One night he fell asleep outside in a hammock and I slept in the tent with the other people we were with, but when I woke up in the morning I found he had come into the tent and snuggled up next to me with his arm around me! He kissed me several times and then tried to get a little "friskier" than kissing, but I grabbed his hands and just pulled them in front of me in a tight hug because I didn't want to disturb or offend our friends who were also in the tent.

What gets me is that he is fairly detached otherwise. He doesn't initiate conversation with me, and he didn't pay any more attention to me than anyone else in our group outside of sleeping and cuddling during car rides. I tried to talk to him on the 10-hour ride home, but again he only responded to my questions and didn't ask ME any questions or try to keep the conversation going.

I sent a text to him the day after we got home saying that I was glad he came camping with us and that I hoped he had a good time. He said that he had a blast... nothing further. Why I'm so reluctant to just say, "I like you and would like to spend more getting to know you" is beyond me. It's just weird to be on the NT side of flirting with someone who doesn't "flirt" in the NT way!

So, my question now is: Aspies, how would you like a female to initiate spending more time with you? Would you be happy if a girl asked you out or just asked to see you again in a social setting?

People with ASD have different ways of dealing with things, even one 'Aspie' from another. Which is not unlike how NTs differ from one another, but with NTs there is more of an established protocol. This guy does seems to follow certain typical Aspie patterns, except in the sexual forwardness which is a bit unusual (but not unique).

We have a saying about ASD folks tending to operate in black and white terms, and missing a lot of that middle ground. It could be a manifestation of this you experience in how he accelerates sexually once he is alone with you in a certain setting.

I would continue to educate him on your boundaries and your personal wishes for the contacts. He may be somewhat clueless as to how this is inappropriate and if he does indeed care will modify himself to meet your wishes to a reasonable degree.

It does sound like he cares btw, but I can't honestly say if he is after you totally, or just for the sexual experiences. Shifting from caring to aloof is a very basic ASD trait. It doesn't normally mean they are disinterested in the least. ASD folks need a lot of private brain time and regularly, its like something that needs to recharge or rest. Its a bit complicated to explain, but one common trait is we overload easily. We are after all the odd ones out and trying as ASD people to live in a NT world. It is taxing and we withdraw inward to de-stress, among other things.

I think it's funny because it is exactly how it started with my aspie boyfriend. We were at our mutual friend's house and we slept together. Then, we went back there again for another party and we did it again. Then, I decided to directly tell him I was enjoying his company a lot and that we could meet just the two of us, which we did. I learned weeks after that he could not ''read the signs'' before I just asked him, he did not know if sleeping together twice was a ''sign''. :')

Vanille - That *is* funny! So if you don't mind me asking, how did things go for the two of you? You asked him out first, I take it? When did your boyfriend "get" that you wanted to date him, and how did he react?

Update on MY situation: Our city shows movies outside in the park during the summer, so I asked "Mike" today if he'd like to join me tomorrow evening to watch one. He said yes, yay! Not sure if he really gets that I'm asking him on a date, but I'm just excited to talk to him and get to know him more, so we'll see where it goes!

Oh! I forgot to ask you guys: Any advice for my "date" tomorrow? I already know that my guy likes being affectionate and likes kissing, but I've never spent time alone with him outside of social gatherings. I'm not too concerned; It's actually kind of nice to not have to worry about all the stupid little unspoken rules of the NT dating world - all the innuendo and mind-reading and guesswork can be maddening! I like that this guy simply and literally speaks his mind and expects me only to be exactly who I am, as well. How refreshing!