Is it convenience or love

Post Reply New Topic

I've been seeing a guy on and off for 12 months who I suspect has autism, when we are together it's great, and he has told me he loves me however he can go weeks without any contact and when we are together it's mainly just sex,
he is 31 and has never had a "real" girlfriend, he lives at home with his mum, he's introduced me to his family and has told my exhusband he wants to marry me but I'm just not sure what to believe,
I realise his mind works differently to mine I guess I'm just after advice, do I come out and ask him straight up what we are?
Another thing is we haven't been using protection but I recently started the pill and when I told him he got upset, is this his way of saying perhaps he wants a child with me

I love this guy more than I ever believed possible and there is no way I'd let anyone else treat me the way he has, I guess I give him allowances because he has autism , am I wrong doing this .

We have had fights and stopped all contact but we both still drift back into each other's ATM,

I realise I may not want to hear what you have to tell me but it does my head in trying to work him out.

"love this guy more than I ever believed possible and there is no way I'd let anyone else treat me the way he has, I guess I give him allowances because he has autism , am I wrong doing this ."

Yes straight talk and asking a question gets to the point of what you want. It enables him to come out of what he wants. No BS.


Do not let him get away with disrespect no matter if he has Autism or not. Logic speaking and no retaliation. Most of all no angry tone of voice when you confront him about anything that you do not like.

What you are doing right is having time away, it helps recharge you and him from being social. Being social takes allot of energy and effort. A person with Asperger's can get overwhelmed you can get drained from trying to accommodate him. Time away just to have time away is a good thing, and not from a result from a fight.

My advice is READ READ READ, there are allot of books on being intimate with a mate that has Asperger's.

Best advice I can give is to not assume/hint things at him nor expect him to 'know' things about you just because of how you behave or say a certain word/phrase. We do not pick up any of that. At all. It's literally why its so damn hard to have any form of relationships in the first place.

You may assume/pick up things from him which are completely inaccurate simply because his body language or voice tone or actions indicate it to you...because you're still reading him as an NT (its an automatic thing). He on the other hand, can't read you like that. He does not really 'send out' nonverbal or even voice tone signals which match that which an NT would give out.

Basically you both speak different non-verbal languages and you (NT) use verbal language with multiple layers of meaning based on nonverbal/body language context....he does not.

This ends up with both sides assuming things based on what they think not what is really happening.

So, whenever you have any form of situation in the relationship, you (and him) need to sit down and speak plainly and directly.

^is clingy better?

as for op . I would talk to him about your needs. I think it'll come accross ok as a woman.
I was told to do what he is doing to not come across as clingly. avoid talking to her that often, distance makes the heart fonder, etc.

so I may go weeks without talking to her why really wanting too and missing her. Well I did when I was talking to the lady i first loved.

Clingy is not better but then again that´s the total opposite.

thanks for the replies, i was married previously and i have 2 kids already, so im not rushing into anything, thanks again, youve given me lots to think about, im so pleased i found this site

thats what confuses me, if thats the case and he is just using me why would he be upset about the pill and why tell my ex he wants to marry me ????

question is... how do you think things would be like if you did marry him? Right now things aren't exactly smooth and you're barely seeing each other.

Before you agree to marriage do give him a trial run. Move in and live with him a year or 6 months.... Only then will you truly know how/if it would work out.

If you ask him why he wants to marry you and what he expects marriage to be like, then you will then know why he wants to marry you and also what he would expect from the marriage.

I don't think he's using you. I think he's content with the relationship the way it is because it suits his needs. He may need "time off" to recharge his batteries so to speak. I don't believe he's lying when he says he has feelings for you. When you meet, the natural thing for him to do is have sex with you because that's his way of expressing that he cares for you, and also men love sex.

With that said, I agree with your decision to go on the pill and it concerns me that he was upset about it. As another poster said, it sounds like he doesn't have realistic expectations.

Let's take kids out of the equation for a second, if he married you and you had a childless marriage, even then he obviously could no longer not contact you for weeks on end. He'd have to be there for you, and he might not be able to. So even for a childless marriage, that aint gonna fly. Now put kids into the equation, and you have a whole other ball game.

So I don't think the concern here is whether or not he's using you (I don't happen to think he is), it's a matter of whether he's the right man for you. If you want a man who will marry you and eventually have more kids with you, do you think this man is capable of doing so? I'll tell you right know, I'd highly recommend you discuss this with him, and ask him to PROVE he can maintain a relationship that would be a basis for marriage/kids before you do anything. I'd recommend you have him maintain such a relationship for at least a year. Heck, two years would be better.