Mixed mating and marriages.

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I am the least qualified to talk about mating and marriage, because, while I have fallen in love many times and I have been liked and loved by some women, I never married or had a stable relationship. I will say what I can about this subject and then I will quit the thread having no experience to share if not failure. Sometimes I think now that I should have been determined to build some form of working arrangement to get some turn taking when in need for help in life. But no such practical motivation could work for me. No living together was attainable for me.
From a abstract perspective, and from what I see around me, I may say only a few things.
Romantic unions are historically a very recent achievement in the history of humankind. In most ages, and in large parts of the world even now, marriages and families have been arranged by extended families, or by the tribe, or following directions given by power centres or on the basis of exchanges. This factors loom largely even in “love” marriages, if hidden to protagonists themselves. And I am not sure that “love” marriages are more successful than arranged marriages.
What I can say is that a relatively stable union should be founded on character more than on good looks. In romantic marriages, even when they are not a result of a “coup de foudre”, physical attraction is damningly decisive and is a glue that keeps together couples for a time, even for an entire life, if at the price of real harmony of the family Harmony should be offered to children as a sane environment where to be reared. As about autistic people, all problems of a working harmony are magnified and physical attraction may have even more weight. We may very well understand that and accept it. After all, if we are generally icebergs touching only at the tips, physical attraction may be even more fundamental for people living in the wasteland of autism.

Well for me it went like this. I understood love in terms of family because I lived with them for a long time and was extremely attached to them. I loved my friends because I knew them my entire life and they were like family to me. I didn't distinguish any difference (nor did my family to be honest). When I dated, I didn't feel any romantic attachment at all. They were strangers and I was looking for someone I could be interested in, talk to and share things. That typically didn't happen and I had no patience for it and would end it, sometimes minutes into the date if he said something I thought I could never live with.

When I met my husband, I would say I was attached to him first. I had no context for romantic love and that was not what I felt. I was incredibly attracted to him, but I had been incredibly attracted before and that would not have persuaded me to be around someone 24/7. I was way too logical for that. My attachment came from like ideas, interests and beliefs to be honest. We had some difference. He is outgoing, athletic, social and ambitious. I'm introverted, could care less about sports or socializing except for the few people I really like and I'm not ambitious really (which seems strange since I always move up at work). So between our likes and differences, we clicked. That's where the attachment built. I was completely convinced that he was it for me. I never felt like that before and I dated plenty and knew plenty more as aquaintances and friends. It took about three years for me to feel "in love." It had to grow on me I guess.


It was the same with touch. I cannot stand for most people to touch me and that includes friends. However, with him, because I trusted him and was comfortable with him, I got over my touch aversion quickly and while I'm not the emotional one and I'm certainly not nurturing, I would say the physical side of our relationship is actually above normal (that is almost certainly because we don't have children so we aren't constantly distracted and exhausted).

What I think is that it's possible. It may be different than what most people consider relationships to be, but so what? It suits me and my husband. We're the only two who have to live with each other.

So, that's how it worked for me and him anyway. I guess everyone is different.

hello paolo,

i have thought about this often. i suspect that romance has always been alive to some degree even within arranged marriages, i am sure that some people will find or make romance because as a couple they like it where as for others it is far less important.

i am aware that things have changed a lot culturally here even between my parents generation and my own in that they were more or less expected to (and did) get married and rear children fairly young and marriage was for life (or as near as dammit). i am not required to do that, but am given the opportunity to learn about the world before i settle down (if indeed that happens at all).

now if you marry quite young, there will be a certain naivety in your choice in partner. you may miss vital clues to characteristics that later you find more than a little (i dated a narciscist in my early 20's and he caused me a lot of harm!). however if you leave it later, you get more set in your ways and it makes it more difficult to let someone into your life.

i do rely on a large amount of physical attraction to get me interested in someone. i see it as having very particular physical tastes (though certainly for the traditionally good looking type). but that said, they do have to have all the other stuff going for them too (kind, shared interests, funny, confidence with humility).

long term, once the lust phase is over the relationship (i suspect) becomes more equal to the arranged marriage in that there are different hormones responding and you possibly feel more like companionship/family and you have to work at the 'thrilling' bit. my longest ever relationship was 3.5 years and it was coming into this stage when we split. no regrets there tho.