In love with a recently diagnosed aspie man

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I have know this man for over 6 years. We been friends and lovers for most of that time. He is a very intelligent, successful man and I know he is caring even if he doesn't show it in the classic sense.
We have had times where I have become very upset and felt depressed by things that I stew on in my head. I am NT but I have a history of depressive episodes which have required treatment with antidepressants. My frustration and upset stemmed from what I felt was a lack of emotional reciprocity from him and how he can feel distant at times. To make things a bit more complicated, the "relationship" we have is not exclusive. He sees other women and I see other men. I have asked him about 3-4 months ago about this and he says that he is not ready/available for anything exclusive, which upset me a lot. I have seen other guys, mostly to distract myself from becoming too wrapped up in him. Any other men I see it is purely a physical thing and I hold them at a distance because I am too emotionally involved with him, but I find it helps me as if I don't see anyone else I get lonely and end up wanting too much from him that I don't think he feels he can give. I am not entirely sure how he feels about the other girls he sees. I know he doesn't see anyone as regularly as he sees me. He has also made comments previously that I am prettier and more fun to be around than some of them. Which simultaneously flattered and confused me.
He does talk about himself emotionally sometimes and has referred to himself as emotionally cold or "like a cat" in that he only wants affection on his terms. I don't think I have ever initiated anything physical with him, I have always waited for him to do so.

A couple of weeks ago he told me that he has recently worked out that he is an aspie. He has a work colleague that is also an aspie and I think he must have recognised a lot of himself in him and things have started to make sense to him about why he is the way he is.
I was one of the first people he told about this after his immediate family as he said that I have had to take the brunt of the large majority of his aspieness. I have done a lot of reading up on the subject since then and so many things now make sense. All of the things that have upset me or caused problems, its like a light bulb has switched on. A lot of these situations being caused by me not being as direct or open about how I feel as I could have been and him not understanding what it is that has actually upset me! a strange part of me finds it funny that this has been the cause of most of the problems, another part of me wants to cry my heart out at all the misunderstandings and problems that have been caused by me expecting him to be able to read my mind.
Following him telling me this We spent a few days together when we weren't working, discussing Aspergers traits, things we had noticed, articles on the internet etc. and I want to help him in anyway I can. The main problem I have now is that the distance that I have tried to carefully maintain to prevent myself from getting too involved with him has been broken. I love him so much and I am unsure on so many things. I want to be there for him but I am scared of being rejected and feeling the indescribable pain that would come with losing him in my life.

I know that he needs for me to be direct and honest with him for him to understand me but I am terrified of what will happen if I do that. I also don't want to put this on him at this time when he is only very recently coming to terms with being an aspie. Although we have discussed it a lot I am not sure how he is feeling emotionally with dealing with this.

I feel like I have rambled on quite a lot here. I haven't really got anyone I can discuss this with and not many people know about our "relationship" or whatever it is that we have lol.

If anyone has any comments, thoughts, advice or anything they want to say about this please do reply. Any and all feedback is greatly appreciated as I am feeling very confused and there is so much going on in my head that I just can't settle. Another point of view whether from an NT or aspie perspective would be very welcome.

Thank you xxxx

First off, I think it's lovely that ladies have this "instinct" to want to heal people.

The "nursing instinct" I might call it. Men, at times, are more selfish in this regard; with relative frequency, they possess that "nursing instinct" to a lesser degree than ladies--less of a desire to nurture. I don't believe the "nursing instinct" is completely lacking in men, though.

There is also the "challenge" element. Possibly, you see this man as being a "reclamation project." You want to be there for him through "thick and thin," and to attempt to alleviate his woes. Nothing wrong with that, by the way--it's part of the "nursing instinct."

I wish I were more nurturing--I have a tendency to appear somewhat cold and aloof at the wrong times. I have suffered immensely because of this.

I have seen this so many times: What would happen if his Aspergian symptoms, through your nurturing, have been eased somewhat? Would you still be interested in this guy now that he's not a "reclamation project." Again, this is no moral judgment by any means. I find this instinct natural--and part and parcel of being a human being and a woman.

I've had similar experiences. Women have lost interest in me because I don't present as much of a challenge later in the relationship, as I did earlier in the relationship. I believe that this "lack of a challenge" is behind the phenomenon, within marriages, known as the "7-year-itch."

I think the guy has been forthcoming and honest with you. He could have hidden his other liaisons.

I believe you're attracted to his success, as well as his Asperger's--which is excellent--and which bodes well for your future. If you were only attracted to his Asperger's, I wouldn't be so optimistic.

What you have to watch out: The guy could, quite possibly, use his Asperger's as an excuse to be selfish, to be cold, to cheat on you indiscriminately. This is a common cycle: the guy cheats on you, begs for forgiveness, you take him back, he cheats again, begs for forgiveness........always using his Asperger's as an excuse.

In the future, he could use his Asperger's as an excuse to slough off responsibility as a father to a child. It is all too frequent for NT women to have to be a "mommy and a daddy" to a child, whenever the father is an Aspergian

You have a desire for monogamy. This is the "challenge": making sure you are his "one and only."

I hope, once you have accomplished this goal, that you don't become bored with him. For your sake and his.

I wish you luck in the future with this guy.

Thank you for the reply kraftie. I think you may have misunderstood though. I do not want to "heal" him, nor do I see him as a "reclamation project". I love him for him. I have had deep feelings for him for quite a long time and the news that he has Aspergers is a very recent thing, so I do not love him just because he is an aspie.
I want to help him in anyway I can with this, whether by being there for him to talk to me if he wants, learning about aspie traits and how they relate to him and also communicating with him in a more open fashion. I do not want to "fix" him! There is nothing to fix, he is who he is and I love him for that.

He is a very honest and straightforward guy, so much so that he can be very blunt at times. However I really appreciate this quality and I do not believe he could ever be deceitful or use aspergers as an excuse for anything such as cheating.

My main problem is whether or not to share how I feel about him with him. I know I need to be straightforward with him and I am unsure whether he may have already picked up on how I feel about him or not. I don't want to add to any confusion he may be feeling at the moment and I don't want to rock the boat or risk losing him. Just generally confused and frustrated on my side of things.

Ahh an advice for you an all the womanfolk in this word: Always be direct and open about how you feel, whether the man is AS, NT or ET or whatever.

One of the reasons why divorces are more initiated by women is this tendency to build up stuff (I gave him a sign 1 but he didn't chance - I gave him a sign 2 but didn't change...etc) till they explode and issue a divorce paper; and it's why many men only know what's wrong after too late.

Yep, I can completely understand that. I'm trying really hard not to beat myself up about doing that and thinking more about what I can do differently in the future to prevent misunderstandings. It is hard and kinda scary to open up and expose exactly what's going on in my head though.

p.s Face of Boo....awesome name

To echo Mr Boo, I would say the best thing to do is to let him know how you feel; otherwise, there's confusion all around.

Good luck in your life with him. I hope you become his "only one."

I wasn't talking about "fixing" him per se; I don't think people with Asperger's need to be 'fixed." I'm speaking more along the lines of nurturing.