Limerence Has Taken My Soul

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Hello everyone, just made an account about 20 minutes ago but I've been checking out this site often so I wouldn't say I'm a newbie. But anyways, enough prattling, I shall now discuss the topic at hand!

Okay so there's this girl whom I met back almost a year ago now, during the start of our Senior year in HS. She was (and I still think of as) the most beautiful girl I ever laid my eyes upon. Those eyes...that smile...perfect frame...you get the picture. But that's not all, I discovered that she's quite the nerdy type and liked a few of the same TV fandoms I did (namely Supernatural). But knowing I sucked at in-person communication and small talk, I settled for getting to know her through Facebook. This more-or-less went on for months, with us hardly ever communicating in-person except for the occasional "Hey there". Keep in mind though our conversations have been always quite passive, unlike past girls I've befriended where I would over compliment or do other things to "weird them out" and/or "come off too strong". During this time of passive conversation, this simple crush for her grew rapidly into the dreaded and most feared thought-consuming obsessive compulsion we know as Limerence. Literally, it got to the point where I could not go 1 hour without thinking about her throughout the day. But eventhough most of our communication replied on Facebook, we did have in-person encounters?most of which were pretty friendly?and they usually lasted no more than 7 minutes (we walked from our class to the buses, it was the end of the day). Whenever I had the chance, I would approach her and we talked about things like her job (she was a hostess then) or what we did over the weekend. But it never went farther than that.

Then around late January, as the winter school dance approached, I grew courageous and decided to ask her out. She (thank the Lord) politely declined...but her silly excuses fell onto deaf ears as I gazed her beauty like a silly love-struck boy. First one was, "I'm not into dances." The second was, "I may have work that night." The third and final was, "I might be going with a friend anyway." But unlike previous rejections, I didn't get sad and upset and move-on. No, I just had to be the stubborn hormone-driven teenager I was and do what was considered by many...totally creepy and repulsive. I wrote her a letter confessing my undying love and feelings, along with the fact that I had Asperger's Syndrome, and how it effects me (Well I didn't say I loved her but I did flirt a bit and say her eyes were beautiful like the sky or something. XD). Anyways, later that night I told her that while I was disappointed about the rejection, I was glad to have her as an awesome friend, to which she replied that she was glad I thought of her that way and that apparently I wasn't the only guy who walked in with a rose (one of her co-worker's birthday was that night). I eventually heard back from her on Facebook about the letter and she said to not even worry about it, and that she had a friend in Elementary school who had Asperger's. Things seemed good...until February rolled around.

To keep things short, she spent the next 2 and a half months in the hospital from what discovered to be Anorexia. I found this out by Googling for her Tumblr blog (yes I know how freaking creepy this is, but I couldn't help myself). This news shocked me and I immediately became the "Knight in Shining Armor" persona?though it was more undercover because I could not let her discover me knowing of her situation until she told me. During her time in the hospital, I sent her 1 boquet of flowers, and two handwritten letters spread over the time of 1 months (so it wasn't too often...). After she returned in late April, and I was ecstatic of-course, I was able to have a full-on 15 minute conversation with her, one-on-one, during Lunch. It was by far, the most awesome moment spent with her all year (of-course it would be, because I never talked to her before for more than 7 minutes at a time! XD). We mostly talked about the school year and I kind of more-or-less filled her in what had been going on in Government (she was in my class). It was then that I had the balls to ask about her mysterious disappearance. I asked, in the most non-creepy way I could muster, "What happened these past few months?"

To which she replied, "I've been in treatment."

"Treatment?" I asked, "What kind of treatment?"

"Anorexia," she answered...okay let's not turn this into some creepy novel meant for a serial killer...Hannibal Lecter... XD lol anyway, as the bell rang I, most stupidly, wanted to be risky and hopeful and asked her if I could hug her...yeah I know how this sounds. I meant it to be a friendly reassuring hug, but knowing my male sexual mind I knew that I had a darker meaning behind it. -.- Anyway, a week after that encounter I heard from friends that she was creeped out by me in general and the letters and flowers I sent her freaked her out. I also have this as*hole of a friend (pardon my French) who I am 90% sure is either Narcissistic or just plain crazy, who makes up a lot of BS and so he decided to tell me that my crush had found out about a conversation him and I had on Facebook about how I fantasize about her. This made me compelled heart broken and created a deep gaping void in myself. In haste in my anxiety, I resorted by blocking her on Facebook and removing her from my life...this helped for a while after we graduated high school.

Now just about a month ago, after going to therapy for Social Anxiety and moderate Depression (as I recently have been diagnosed by my therapist), I decided one night to try unblocking her and see if it has any bad repercussions. She sent me a message asking why I just sent her a friend request, since she thought were already friends. I sent her a message apologizing for my disappearance and hold her half of the truth, that I have been seeing someone for SA and that hearing about her being creeped out by me made me get stressed and in haste I blocked her. To my complete and utter surprise, she showed empathy and genuine compassion for my situation. She confided in me that she too, has SA and that she can relate that it is terrible. She also mentioned that she was glad that I was feeling better. This of-course, for the limerent mind, made me sky rocket and all hopes for a relationship returned to full-throttle. And now we get to the present day.

I apologize for this extremely long post, but I felt the need to vent. I hope there is somone out there on the Internet that can help me and give me good solid advice as to what my chances of a friendship/relationship with this girl are. Thanks a lot, and looking forward to reading the comments!

Oh dear... Crushes are the worst, huh? I know, I have a crush on one of my best friends, and I keep wanting to tell him, I but chicken out every time. I'm not going to make this about me though.

I don't know how much good this advice is, since I can't even seem to follow it very well myself, but...

First, try to be happy with yourself. Realize that, even if you don't end up dating her (which probably seems like a horrible thought), at least you have a friend in her. And, she is not the only woman in the world. Keep yourself busy with hobbies, and things you enjoy, and spend time with friends and family. Realize that, when you really love someone, you want them... But you don't NEED them. When you need someone, it's only to fill a gap in your life, but when you want to spend time with someone, it's because you like them and enjoy their company. If someone thinks you need them or depend on them too much, they can feel forced to be with you. This will scare people away. It's normal to feel like you need someone if you are lonely. But you have to try to control it.

Be chivalrous and kind towards her, but not needy. Let her know you enjoy being with her, but that you have your own life too, and that you aren't forcing her to be your friend. That will be your best bet if you ever want a relationship with her.

If it gets to the point that you can't stand it, just let her know how you feel before you get too close. Just tell her you have a crush on her (NOT love, that will come across as creepy) and that you want to know if she would ever, in all seriousness, consider dating you. Tell her there is no pressure to say yes, that you will accept whatever she says as being true, and that you would still like to remain friends if not. Whatever she says, accept it as being true. Don't analyze or second guess; just accept it.

I hope this was some help, and good luck.

Incredible Frog's advice is very good. It is so difficult to get over the LO. I don't know why. It's like it becomes an addiction and seeing them and interacting with them is like getting a fix. It's awful, but exillerating at the same time.

It's worse when the person is really kind, like your friend, because they are a decent person who wants to do the right thing by you and that is attrative in itself because people who really care about others a real gems in a world filled with a me first attitude. But there is a difference between being a nice person and wanting to go out with someone. Remind yourself of that next time she shows you kindness.




Yes, I definately agree with the idea of living a full life outside of your relationship with her.

Have you seen this forum? it may help. It helped me realise that there are others going through the same thing:
http://tribes.tribe.net/limerence

Chivalry is sexist, what if she's a radical feminist?

Well, it's only sexist if you're only chivalrous towards one sex.

Omg thank you very much, this is very much what I wanted to hear!! !! I have gotten way too much negative feedback from friends who think I'm obsessive and I need to cut her off completely, and it pisses me off because I know it hasn't come down to that (yet, since she's NEVER mentioned to me that I've been creepy to her at all. In-fact, she's probably been the most understanding girl I've met next to my other girl friend from Freshman year). Anywho, her birthday is in basically a month from now (Sept. 10th, she'll be 18 along with her twin! Yes she has twin! XD) and I was thinking of sending her a card via mail because I have her address from my school directory from Freshman year. So at least I have a reasonable explanation if she's curious how I found out her address! XD But yeah I would just send her a card with like a $10 Starbucks card. Anywho she drives me crazy just how freaking cute she is! I would attach a photo link but I found out that I haven't made enough posts and need to be around for 4 more days!! -.-

honestly...let her be. She knows you like her, and if she seeks out your company, that's great, but no, don't go being "chivalrous", which you already know is really a cover for wanting her and wanting to prove something to her. And please don't say anything to her about her looks -- she just spent months in treatment for anorexia, and it's not a joke, it's a potentially life-threatening condition.

In other words she has plenty to deal with of her own. Drama isn't something she needs. If you can't hang around her without it being about your crush, and if she isn't seeking you out, then do let her be -- don't send her things, don't try to insert yourself. Just chill.

I would advise against sending the card to her home address. Just because you can legally find a person's address does not mean that they will be understanding about your actually making the effort to look it up in a directory. That is an invasion of privacy. If someone did that to me I would be a bit freaked out.

DO NOT post her photo online. She's obviously very self conscious about her physical appearance. Don't post her photo online! That is an invasion of privacy.

Remember she is a person too. She's not an object you can just post photos of online. That's one of the biggest problems with limerance, you end up putting the person on a pedastal and turning them into a glorious object rather than a flawed human.

Hey thanks for being giving this perspective, much appreciated. I've gotten this same exact perspective from my friends and it bothered me so much because I didn't want to think that all hope was lost and I ultimately, was royally f*cked over. See, this what gets me...I've always been insecure with myself because I was bullied a lot in middle school for being "the school stalker" because I didn't have ANY experience with women whatsoever and partially because of my Aspergers I didn't know how to socialize in general (and I was insanely immature in middle school). Since then I've always just stuck for being chivalrous and "nice" because I was self-conscious that people would be creeped out by me again. And with this particular girl, I've kept in mind all of these things to not be creepy and gone so far as to not even compliment her at all most of the time (both before and after her hospitalization). Whenever I have said something (usually something not over the top like, "you look nice", or "I love your smile". She's never commented on it, and I know this is because of the anorexia and her social anxiety.

You mentioned that if I ever hangout with her, I should not bring drama and act all love-struck. The problem with that is I've never been able to hangout with her outside of school and I know it's because she's too busy, but I can't help but be sad because I really think she's nice and all and I want to be her friend but I know I also want her but...UHHH you see what this does to me? XD HAHAHA! I'm going crazy now. -.- To keep this short, I want to hangout with her but she's been busy and unable to respond to me on Facebook and it bothers me that I can't hangout with her...maybe she sees this? I don't know, I just don't want to accept the fact that I have screwed up all chances of ever getting her for good.

listen to your friends.

Look at it this way: if you keep going after her, regardless of how you approach it, and you're causing her problems or anxiety of any kind, her parents are going to be all over it in a flash, because they're trying to help her stay on an even keel, and this is occupying much of their time and energy and possibly their budget. Which means that if you step over any kind of line, whether you're aware of its existence or not, they're going to wind up having some sort of conversation with your principal or your parents or both, and you really don't want this.

Forget about "getting" her. (She's not a thing to get, anyway.) Wish her well (silently) and if she seeks you out, be friendly. And in the meantime, surely there are other girls also worthy of your attention.

You know, I think you're right. I never truly thought of it that way, but it's the best thing to do at this point. So will move on now. Problem is that now I am terrible at flirting and talking to girls...most of them I've met just don't click with me. >.<

I'm chivalrous to men and I'm a woman. I don't see why being polite is sexist.

I think you misunderstood. By chivalry, I only meant being polite, but not overly so. Maybe I chose the wrong word. Be polite, not chivalrous.

Limerance sucks balls.

To be fair, I'm still very fond of my last "victim" (who really doesn't see himself as a victim, and we're still friends), but I'm meeting other guys and working on things that during the last year I've neglected (not just due to limerance, but to other things in my life falling apart). It won't happen, not in a million years, even though there's still a corner of my heart that is hopeful. The thing is I have other dreams that I'm making come true, and I'm learning that I am in NO way ready for any sort of relationship, and I probably never will be.

Indeed it does!! ! XD As of now I'm trying to just move on from her now, there will be far more better girls off in college, which I start on the 26th!

Also, I happened to notice you have a quote from Thomas the Tank Engine...funny thing is I watched that SOOO MUCH as a kid (was one of my special interests, and still has a huge place in my heart! ) that I even remember that episode when Gordon said that! XD

It's a nagging ache for me sometimes, which I try to ignore. It's a hunger for something not realistic, and probably not beneficial at all. I think it's important not to overcompensate, but I also feel avoidance isn't the answer either. I always dream of a middle ground to settle in, like a floating feather come to rest.