unrequited love

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however pathetic this may sound to many of you here...

i have a best friend who is an aspie. i've liked him since i first met him. unfortunately, he doesn't want a girlfriend, will never want a girlfriend, and never wants to get married (no, he is not gay). he told me this in casual conversation before i ever asked him if he'd like to go out sometime. i was shocked. but i moved on, and i have a boyfriend now. however, my friend still means very much to me. i would love nothing more than to be with him, even if it means leaving my boyfriend who i have been with for well over a year. i feel terrible about this. but i am feeling more and more unhappy with my boyfriend. if i were to describe how i feel around him i would say frustrated, confused, awkward, yet safe (he has always taken care of me, through some really hard times.) but i am HAPPY around my friend. i don't think i will ever have what i want... sometimes i think about just leaving my boyfriend and either being alone or looking for someone besides my friend bc i don't have a chance with him.

pathetic wah speech over now...

This must be even worse than my situation. I adore someone who I am also friends with (I do not know her asperger's/neurotypical status) but whom I have dicovered from my mother already has a boyfriend. I am however single so there is not the added guilt of feeling like betraying someone else. When I am with her I can usually enjoy her company as a FRIEND given that we have common interests; it is when we are apart that I frequently find it difficult to refrain from thinking and feeling about her in ways I believe to be wrong, given her "attached" status. This really seems to be a bad habit of mine (it has happened on two other occasions over the past decade or so - not counting a few less intense attractions). At least the second and third (current) times are an improvement upon the first time (back in secondary/high school) when I allowed my emotions to override my conscience; I really felt so dark at that time about this that I was oblivious either to considerations as to how uncomfortable she might be or how destructive my emotion was of my better self; she was also rather manipulative at times, but this does not excuse my behaviour. The other two were nicer as people, though all three were very intelligent.

I do not know what advice to offer to your specific situation, I am afraid.

Doesn't sound pathetic to me, sounds more that you're human.


Frequently, people have to make decisions about who the best person to be with is. And while you might like this other guy more, think about if it would be a better relationship or not than your current one.

It sounds a bit like already you kind of want to dump your current boyfriend in favour of this other guy. But, keep in mind that a relationship with him might fail too. Ask yourself if you feel that it's worth it (sometimes doomed relationships can be fun too).


This is why we spend time with people, rather than just getting married on the spot or the like. So we can get a sense of if we can stand each other.

You are the one in the best position to decide what to do. You don't 'owe' it to this current person to stay with them, just because they're the current person you're with. Nor is the guy you've got the thing for owed anything. Do what you think is best for you.

But how do either of us decide this? Silly question I suppose - on your criteria we would not exactly be making a decision about what is best for us if we only relie on your advice. You are certainly right that jnet is not being pathetic, though I sometimes feel that I am acting so in holding on to feelings that are wrong and lead nowhere anyway

Well, I think you already know that my situation echoes this, only the man I have come to love and obsess over will not even utter a word to me... I am not sure which is worse, quite frankly... I think when they talk to you, it is better, as then maybe some of your illusions are shattered and the obsession might lighten up a little or even disappear altogether, though I do not see it happening in this case. It is excrutiatingly painful, I know this only too well, and my logic shouts out to you...if he says this, he means this, yet who am I to talk when I have been clinging onto hope for 9 months now, in spite of having been called a stalkers, and in spite of having been told he has said we have nothing in common and he doesn't want anyone? Afterall, it is always said, in a cliched way, that you never know what waits around the corner and people can be so unpredicatable and fickle? I cannot give any advice as I do not even seem able to give any to myself. But I would say, do not stay with a boyfriend you are unhappy with. You will regret it possibly when you later look back on time you might see as wasted.

I was in a very similar situation. Almost a year ago, I begin corresponding with a woman with AS. A week into the correspondence, she agreed to be my girlfriend and promised to marry me after I finished school (which would be in about 2-3 years). Two weeks after that, I never heard from her again, and never even received an explanation why she stopped corresponding.

It's upsetting because she and I had virtually everything in common, and that may never be equaled in another person.

Tim

Did he have a poor track record with the ladies? Was he depressed when he said it? If so, it could be sour grapes... he can't find a relationship so he rationalizes that he "doesn't want one" because "love sucks"... which is a phase I've gone through more than once. It's not technically a lie, because you believe it at the time. It's also more likely to happen to someone with AS because we generally have trouble initiating and maintaining relationships... which can easily trigger a depression.

As far as I can tell, that's your only hope of turning it into something more. I can't think of a reason for it to be just a lie. So, it seems like either a rationalization or the truth. Did he give any explanation as to why he doesn't ever want a girlfriend (doesn't form that kind of attraction or they're just too painful)? What was the context when he said it? I'm sure that one statement wasn't the entire conversation. Basically, a lot more information is needed if anyone is to have a chance of helping.

... but I'm not good with this stuff, which explains (partially) why I've never had a date.

jnet, there's nothing pathetic about yout situation. it's unfortunate, not pathetic.
CDHarris is giving you good advice I think - your friend could have been going through a rough patch at the time, it's not necessarily an accurate statement of how he feels all the time.
you should do what is best for you - it probably is best not to treat the whole thing as either friend or your current boyfriend. if you're unhappy with your boyfriend, it is a different matter from how you feel about your friend. it's probably a good idea to neither end your current relationship because of your friend nor to continue solely because you think it wouldn't work out with your friend.

I have the same problem. I have a female aspie friend who I love so much, but she is too old for me, not interested in me romantically, and is unlikely to have a stable relationship with anyone in the foreseeable future.

So you're happy with your friend. yet you love your boyfriend.

Hmm.

I'm Doc Gamester, res advisor on such matters.

So obviously you've known said friend for a while, and you've liked him since.........well since you first met him. Obviously its the fact that you're falling for him taht you're not admitting, because you like him, but yet are sad you can't have him.

Am I correct?

Oh and BTW, I am AS, but I'm more of a borderliner NT/AS, more on the NT side.[/quote]

i admit that i am falling for him, and truthfully i would like very much to be with him but that is not an option due to said reasons.

In a way, im like that guy you said, except i actually want a girlfriend yet no-one wants to date me. So i consider your friend lucky to have a guy like you.

Perhaps you juat need to encourage him or something? try to slowly grow closer to him? im not entirely sure