Need help figuring things out

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I've been toying with the idea of making this post, but was intimidated at first because I haven't been here long. Now I feel I really need to ask for some help, advice, something, anything that could make me feel better.

There is this one person I have had feelings for since 2010. Since then we have done a lot of things together as friends which we both have enjoyed. I wanted to tell her how I felt and eventually got the courage to do that in 2013. She said that she didn't want a relationship now and wanted to focus on school, but something may be possible, and that is what I was hoping for since I kind of felt the same way. I guess I just wanted to know if it was possible. Some people may think I'm crazy for pursuing a girl like this, but lets just say, without going into too much detail here (personal story), I just know that something will work between us.

My problem is that my parents know about how I feel about her, yet keep saying that I'll find a nice girl at college or say they saw someone that was really cute or just downright have no confidence in me and her getting together, and it hurts me bad, real bad. I also have been having a problem with one side of me wanting to see other people like they've suggested but the other side reminding me of how much I love her and saying that good things will come to those that wait. I've just been feeling really bad and lonely in recent time because of things in my life and this. This past year has been really rough not only on me but the rest of my family.

You and this girl have made no commitment to each other, if I am reading your post right. It sounds like you both are interested in "maybe something" later on, but there are no promises.

If you want to meet other girls, do it. You are not betraying the first girl since you made no promises. If another girl captures your heart in the meantime, then it is meant to be. If you find you are not attracted to these other girls after all, you are still available for the first girl.

Do not close yourself off to possibilities because of an unknown. You are free.

I'm just worried that if I do go for another girl, I may lose my chance with her. I think it would be hard for me to have someone else after having feelings for this girl for four years now.

No point in being worried about whether have a chance or not and whether you will blow it by being with someone else. As long as you are honest with yourself and with others about what you want, it won't really make a difference who you are with. Just don't go trying to be something you're not in order to get involved with someone.

Btw. I had feelings for one friend when I was 16 and those feelings lasted until I was 21. I simply stopped trying to communicate with her around that time as well.

How long has it been since you talked to the first girl about it? Could you bring it up again and ask what the "status" is?

My husband told me twice that he thought we had something going on that was "more than friends." The first time around, I rejected him rudely. But, he gathered up the courage to bring it up again, and it worked.

I'm not saying that this method would work for you. But at 20, you're at a normal age to be looking for something serious and you can't be strung on forever. I think I'd want to find out how serious this girl is about you.

Do your parents give reasons why they think things won't work out with this girl? Is it just circumstance, or do they seem some kind of character trait in either one of you that would doom the relationship? I would listen carefully to what they say with as much objectivity as possible. They may have insight that you are missing.

I don't plan on doing anything I may regret later. I've told her the night I made my feelings known that no matter what happens I want whats best for her.

If someone doesn't want to commit to you, don't waste your time and hopes sticking around. There's no telling when she'll want a relationship or, by then, with whom. Go and live. Your parents are trying to help you.

eta: It's not at all unusual for girls in college to be focused on their schooling and career, setting up their lives. If that's what she's after, she may well not be interested in anything serious until graduate school at the earliest. She knows she's going to move on, go someplace else, and doesn't want a tether. 20 is very young to get serious unless you're from a conservative religious family.

Something to keep in mind: suppose you fall in love with a girl who's quite firm about what her plans are for career, things she wants to do, etc. Before you say Yes, yes, I'll follow you wherever, please stop and think. (Same advice goes for women.) That sort of thing might be a fun adventure for a few years, and you may feel like quite the hero supporting your woman (or man) in her ambitions, but it's not really a brilliant thing to do for yourself. I meet very few people under the age of 70 or so who went that route and are happy about it. First there's the resentment at being neglected; then there's the dawning recognition of what one has given up for the other; then there's anger and the growing realization that a crucial window has been missed, that while you can always start something new, you will work much harder than people who start young to establish yourself in a career, and you will likely carry a degree of insecurity about it -- are you being selfish? are you really good/smart enough to do this? Everyone else around you is so much younger...would it not be best to shut up and go home and look after the kids?

Think very hard about not just the next three years but the next thirty, and what you want out of life, what you want for yourself. Eventually people do settle down, do tend to find a steady living/working setup. It may be a more auspicious time for finding someone.

Last edited by tarantella64 on 17 Aug 2014, 10:26 pm, edited 1 time in total.

I've thought about it, but the last thing I want to do is make her uncomfortable. I don't want to jeopardize the friendship we have right now. She is definitely comfortable with me since we have done things that were just the two of us, everything from movie and a dinner to going to a 4th of July party to having a picnic at a park.

My parents have told me that we have a lot in common and that we'd make a nice couple. Then they go to saying I should look for someone else or say that they thought the cashier at my job was cute and should ask her out. It's frustrating because I feel I'm the only one that has hope in this and they haven't given me any real reason as to why I should give up on her.

Okay, here's the reason: she's not interested in a relationship with you. Not now, and possibly not ever. She didn't say it's absolutely out of the question, but no, from what you're saying, what you got was a nice rebuff from a reasonable woman who likes you but also knows she's not wanting a relationship now, and is not going to give you a schedule.

So should I just move on then?

Yep. And if she's upset about that, she'll let you know. But don't hold your breath.

Go date others; and flash the news in her face once you are dating someone.

A rejection with a "something may be possible" promise is cruel in my opinion; no dear Aspergeractor, there's no possibility, this was just an empty promise.

Tarentella64 has some good things to say here. I am a bit in that boat myself, going back to school at 38 to work on my own dreams. In my case, though, the situation is not entirely due to marriage.

However, I will say that things happen in life that can bring about the need to give everything you have to someone else and have your own dreams go unfulfilled. It could be serious illness, serious financial trouble, a problem with a child, parents in need of help, and so on. In these situation, one must dream new dreams. That's love, and that's life. But you have to be VERY SURE that the person you are devoting yourself to is worth everything you have and are.

This is why marriage vows are so serious: for richer, for poorer, in sickness and in health, forsaking all others, til death do us part. I know those are "old-fashioned" vows and many people are rewriting them these days. Ultimately, there is no room for selfishness in marriage. When both members of the relationship understand this, it can be great. When they don't, there's trouble. This is true no matter what age you get married, whether or not there are children involved, or whether or not you have a career established.

In the situation with this girl, she has told you that she is not interested in any kind of serious commitment to you. She has told you straight out that she is interested in herself right now, not you. I am sorry to say it like that. You do not know if there is anyone else out there who you might be interested in to that level because you haven't been getting out there. Go date some other girls. If this first girl is afraid she will lose you, you will change her ways. If she doesn't change, then she doesn't see you as a necessary part of her life going forward.

You don't have to tell her you're going to try dating some people. If you have a date and can't go out with this girl for a picnic or movie or whatever, tell her why then. If you try to rub it in, you will just look childish and make it look like you are using this other girl just to get back at the first girl.

And, whatever you do, don't get into bed with *ANY* of them. Don't complicate things even more!

all i can say is harden up... sure you might have feelings for someone but they eventually fade to nothingness. The reason for me being blunt is ive been with many, many girls.. Once you find someone else any residual feelings will die

Seriously...?

I definitely can relate to this. I waited almost 10 years on a girl that I "promised to be true to". In retrospect, I think I was stuck at an early point in the "dating ritual". The worse thing was the exclusiveness of it, and that I didn't want to date anybody else.

If I knew I was polyamory back then, I might just have been able to move on with new connections without terminating the special one with the first girl. I think it was societies ideals of monogamy that got me stuck that long.

So what you should do is it remove the exclusivity of it, while still keeping the connection. That's what I should have done.