Don't understand feelings for friend
This is something which is actually making it hard for me to function on a daily basis and I desperately need to sort it out but I'm kind of scared and confused and don't know what to do!
So, this started out as something me and my very close Aspie friend designed as a pact but has since developed and left me feeling confused and a little uncomfortable. The pact is based around the fact that neither of us expect that many people would be comfortable living with either of us and so we decided that if by the time I reach forty two we aren't married we will marry each other. I can't remember how or why it happened but we started talking about our pact and what we would do and all sorts more and on Monday we kind of by accident told out group of friends about the pact. Some were very shocked and acted in a very unexpected and homophobic way. From there we decided to try and prove to our friends that we were actually a couple just to see if we could pull it off and make people believe it. The following night we both confessed to feeling strange about the situstion, my friend and I had both experienced girlish giggling and blushing over the subject of our supposed relationship. And last night my friend admitted she saw me as being beautiful and gas though of me this way far earlier in the year than she'd told anyone. We both kind of decided to make our outing that we had already planed on Saturday into a practise date.
At first I was really excited and giggly like a teenager in any form of tv programme or film and my heart was thundering. Then it turned to a feeling of nerves, it was like my brain was trying to shut me down and tell me I was wrong and that I should just give up on the whole idea of the real relstionship. Both my friend and I don't really understand our feelings, we aren't sure if they are real or if they are only because of our decision to try and trick our friends. The more I think about the whole sutuation the more my mind seems to be telling me to forget it, telling me its just something silly and due to the charade we would be playing. I feel nervous most of the time right now and my heart hasn't stopped palpitating all night tonight. It starts diung so as soon as I speak to my friend. I know I have an anxiety problem which doesnt help me as well as suspect I am asexual which isn't helping me draw any conclusions. I talk about my friend all the time and things always remind me of her wherever I go. Are we just friends? Should we give this date thing a go?
Has anyone else had to deal with this kind of situation?
Thank you so,so much for your help
_________________
~Pixie~
I think the pact is the kind of thing young friends do, and rarely lasts long. Its kind of a friendship thing, but in actually having the same friend till 42 would be rare, because often things change and life moves on. Not impossible, but not really something to seriously plan on now.
Personally I would have probably not have shared the pact with anyone except the friend. Among more casual friends, aquaintences, strangers, etc, there are always immature people and jerks who may use it as something to mock.
The deception you hatched in response, as a way to trick them... well I don't know what to say. I am familiar with crowds and their negativity , but not in this specific subject (homophobia) nor the environment in your school. But I will say to seems a risky game and such things should be more personnel and no one else's business. Had it been genuine and people were negative, you would still have to deal with it, but it would be for a genuine cause and reason. As it is now its just a strange situation.
On your feelings I can only comment from the outside. It looks like things kind of took on a life of themselves and have moved you into a potential relationship unplanned. You friend seems to be interested in persuing it. But are you? If you were sure, well you have your answer. But if you are not, I would suggest not going with it just to go with the flow, or due to pressure you feel. That is a bad way to start any relationship. Instead I would step back and wait and let time show you how you feel naturally.
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