Understanding human attraction?

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Does anybody else here spend (too much) time trying to figure this out? It seems like both the most complex and most instinctive element of life to me, something that I can never really get my head round. I mean so many aspects of human behaviour seems dictated by environment and culture, yet sexual attraction seems to hold a medium, I guess it kind of has to, otherwise we would be screwed as a species! But why does it? Sure, attitudes, promiscuity etc change, but it seems that for the most part "romance" is omnipresent regardless of circumstances, be it in the prissy or "proper" fashion of say 50yrs ago, or todays image of destructive or excessive youth culture - be it that you had sex the first time you met someone, or that you had to wait till wedlock to even think about it; one aspect never seems to change, that is if you were in love with that person, you would still desire their presence, their touch, the desire to simply hold hands for example.

There is also the puzzle of changing attitudes towards what is socially acceptable, the acceptance of homosexuality for example, which is a very good thing imho, but are more people gay as a result? What I mean to say, is that so much of modern life now seems genderless, most boundaries at work or play have been broken down, and who we choice to be with, in what capacity, and for how long etc etc is mostly down to individual choice, yet most of us (eventually) seem to still have the old fashioned romantic notion of wanting to meet "the one", settle down with them in a monogamous (or at least honest!) relationship, and then possibly have a family. Does it not surprise anyone else that this is still the case? Are (for the most part) men attracted to women and women attracted to men because it is still the social norm, or is it just "nature"? Obviously there is the practical need for reproduction, but there are other options available today for those wishing to raise children that don't involve a life long commitment to a member of the opposite sex.

I guess what puzzles me most, and is probably at the root of all of this angst, is what it is that attracts women to men? I mean it seems much more simplistic the other way round, most men seem to have a certain look that attracts them, a not so subtle physical appearance that stimulates them, and the first concern is with seducing the woman, if a successful longer term relationship develops as a result, then that's a bonus. With women is seems much more complex, the force that drives them to be attracted towards men is more mysterious, and you could say more twisted - for a lot of the "attractive" elements of masculinity, be it physical (e.g. height, physique etc) or mental (confidence, assertiveness etc) are probably closely tied up with testosterone, which as we all know, can cause havoc in too higher dose! So the line between finding a successful, assertive and confident man, and that of an aggressive, arrogant and manipulative one, must be quite thin at times.

Though perhaps all of the above (consciously or otherwise) is part of the excitement of dating men? Personally, I dunno, but I guess a lot of AS men must fall into the perceived "nice guys come last" category. Indeed, I doubt the "perfect man" can exist, because the outwardly attractive aspects of masculinity, and the more caring and sensitive type personality that woman also seem to want, contradict each other on a biological and evolutionary level; anyone agree?

Last edited by Bightme on 23 Oct 2007, 6:21 pm, edited 2 times in total.

Oops, double post, sorry.

Not to worry. It happens quite a bit.

Tim

Hmm...That's true. The idea of the masculine man DOES seem to contradict the more caring type that women always SAY that they want...

I guess that's why so many women fall for rock stars. I know that sounds funny, but seriously: they are masculine, dangerous, etc., but often their songs are sensitive and emotional as well.

But I don't buy into all that BS. I totally understand what you said about having trouble understanding what makes a woman attracted to a man. I mean, I AM a woman so I don't need to worry about it but it's true that I, for instance, am not attracted to a specific type, so long as he has some depth and creativity. Plus every woman seems to like something different.

However, I don't think men are so easy to figure out either. When given a line of pretty girls, why do they like one more than another?

Now, THAT'S a good question. Well, it may sound rude, but in my opinion most men instincively (most times not actually *thinking* about it, either) look for 3 things:

1) "Is this girl compatible with me in bed?": A 1,60 meter tall man might have problems making - how can i say it - the "docking procedure" work correctly and vice versa. Also, if both potential partners are very skinny, it *may* result in some extra bruises during the acrobatics, therefore potentially lowering the pleasure of the experience.... and the list goes on...

2) "Would this girl be able to give me healthy children and be able to care for them": Possible one of the oldest in-built behavours of men. Look for the right kind of hips so there are no birth complications. Does the girl have breasts that can feed the children? Does this girl look like she can do the heavy work required for running a successfull household?

3) "Does this girl look like she could share my interests": If the men likes outdoor sports and the girl looks like a computer geek hating outdoor (or vice versa), interest would be waning fast.

Well, at least that's how i seem to work. Seems kinda down-looking approach to girls (and it sometimes is, i *know* this is stupid) but please, don't blame me. Mother nature just doesn't seem to care to make men more intelligent. Natures approach seems more like "If it can make women pregnant, find enough food to feed the family and is prepared to make a fool of itself in front of every girl it meets, we've finished inventing man and can send the development team off to a long-deserved vacation"...

We don't know! When I've compared notes with other males on who we thought was attractive, sometimes we'd agree and sometimes we'd discover that our tastes were very different. There may be some traits which we inherently look for, but I think that detailed preferences are highly individualistic.

juliekitty/Sedaka/Graelwyn : you are stereotyping women , misogynist ! !

zip it! women-hater!

Last edited by LePetitPrince on 26 Oct 2007, 12:15 pm, edited 1 time in total.

I've been playing around that Women just like Men who get things done.

It can be in any capacity really. But the nice guys, spend much time contemplating instead of doing. I see it in myself, I believe this sort of behavior spits out red flags.

A jerk, just by their nature... gets things done. He wants to be annoying, he's just annoying. He wants to go drink a beer do whatever... he just does it. He sees a girls he likes, and expresses it. They do something to tick him off... he's has no difficulties showing disapproval.

I'm thinking women, they hope that if she is good enough... the jerk can change his attitudes... he'll get stuff done for her. Not to be a complete misogynist, but this appears to be the pattern in relationships.

Of course the great guy, is the nice guy who does get things done. He considers others, but has no problems just doing what is right by him.

I'm in a weird limbo state, I'm nice... because I generally want to be nice. I'm not a very demanding person at all, so this appears wishy-washy and weak. When there is something I'm passionate about and have lots of information, I am not weak at all. I just like to evaluate all reasonable sides properly.

I am not like most guys, I'm not competitive, I don't have the drive to be the best, to one up others... to be the classic male jerk. But I also don't back down, I don't get sad about losing, I have a strange internal strength that comes from not being a classic fighting male. I don't fight, I don't run away... I just exist and weather the storm.

The only problem is that this internal strength, which I believe to be masculine in my own way... is hard to express and show to the outside world. Especially with a lack of social skills.

I'm pretty certain there are women out there who would appreciate this aspect of me. It's just a matter of picking up the cues when they are interested, and being casual and friendly enough when we start talking.

Sorry, can you explain what you mean?

Here's the explanation I was given of why we pick one particular person out of a group.

We all carry in our minds two descriptions of our ideal partner. The first description is in the conscious mind so we're aware of it, for example I prefer short girls rather than tall, brunettes and redheads rather than blondes and I like cat people. There's a second description of our ideal partner that we carry around in our unconscious mind, for example I'm a similar age, height and hair color to Richard Gere but for some reason he gets a lot more fan mail than me.

Now, when we meet someone for the first time the first comparison we make is with the conscious mind, for example I see that a girl is a 6ft blonde so I move on, the next girl is a 5ft 2in redhead and much more interesting. We then meet for the first time and the clock starts running.

Remember being told that first impressions count and we have three minutes to make that good impression? They're right. During that initial conversation the unconscious mind is working in the background and comparing the person in front of you to the image of an ideal person. If the indications are that things are going well then that unconscious image is modified to fit the picture of the person in front of you. After three minutes or so a little light goes on in the back of your head and you decide if you want to continue the conversation or not.

Now, here's the important bit. Whilst your conscious and unconscious mind are doing this her mind is as well. ONLY if everything matches in your conscious and unconscious mind AND in hers do you stand a chance of things working out.

Ed Almos

I guess they probably go for the one that they think would look most stimulating to them naked? This would typically be toned, large breasts and blond hair, porn-star style, but can vary. OK, maybe that's a bit too simplistic even for NT blokes, but I'm sure it's less complicated for men than it is woman.

What would make a woman pick one man out of a bunch that try chatting her up on a night out then? is the overwhelming concern with physical appearance, like it seems to be with most men, and if so do they like stocky muscular men with short hair, or slender tall ones with more of a rocker type style? Or do they not have a certain type, but pay most attention to the detail of an individuals attire, ones shoes for example? Or do they focus just on personality, being prepared to forgo good looks in the belief that nice men are few and far between? There just seems like there is much more variety involved in the whole process to me.

Somebody should really write a guidebook for us A/S men!

Well, part of it is that, despite what the media promotes, different men do have different tastes. So even if they're going purely on looks, they will probably not agree on which one is the prettiest. I think women sometimes think guys have more uniform tastes than we really do. In my case my tastes in looks are somewhat atypical (i tend to prefer brunettes to blondes, though obviously with exceptions). And there is a significant minority of men that do care about personality, so if one of the girls is nice, confident in a good way, the partying type, and is not a drama queen, she'll have an edge over the others. I know one girl with that type of personality (she's exceptionally nice) whose looks are nothing special, she doesn't dress to advantage, has a rather gruff voice, and i've never seen her wear makeup or high heels, yet were she to break up with her boyfriend there are guys that I know for a fact would want to date her over much more attractive girls.

"Significant minority" ?!?!?

Wow... I consider myself to be a hardened cynic who has lost all faith in humanity, but even I wouldn't brand most of our gender as so utterly shallow.

I think he meant personality over and above appearance perhaps?

I know what aspects of personality I find attractive, well, in anyone really, but particularly whilst seeking a potential mate; but I would be at a bit of a loss trying to describe what most of my NT "friends" go for, let's just say that there doesn't appear to be much consistency in taste.

*bump*