Can an AS man connect emotionally with a woman he likes?

Post Reply New Topic

I met my tango friend 10 months ago, and I almost immediately knew he was an Aspie, even if it was just a concept for me at that time. Because we started to get closer three months ago, I decided to read more about this condition.

I am very intuitive, highly empathic and I?ve experienced verbal and emotional abuse in my childhood and in past romantic relationships. I take care of myself emotionally, physically and spiritually. I am at peace with my past and I forgave my parents for not giving me the emotional stability that my siblings and I needed to feel secure in the world. Since I met that man, I?ve kept thinking of my father, and I realised that the latter has many Asperger?s traits.

My questions:

- Can an AS man connect emotionally with a woman he likes?
- I?ve read that AS men are naturally attracted to empathic, strong and kind women because they can help them navigate in the social world and can take care of them. But love is a two-way street, isn?t it? So what?s the point for such women to engage in any relationship with an AS man if her feelings will not be reciprocated and her emotional needs will not be met?
- Many Aspies (men and women) complain about NTs being too demanding emotionally and suggest that their significant other seek emotional support (i.e. sensuality, physical and emotional closeness, connexion, etc.) outside the relationship. This is difficult for empathic people because they will become distant with their partner, and eventually develop feelings with a male/female friend who is more empathic. So I don?t get it ? why empathic people would engage in a relationship with an AS partner, if they know that they will be alone while being together?

I must admit that I got scared when I read all these books on Asperger?s and relationships, and many comments from AS/NT couples. I can?t help thinking that the self-centeredness and lack of emotional reciprocity will make me depressed, even if I understand the condition pretty well. Like many AS people, I need my down time, I need to be alone/in synch with nature, I need to be connected with myself, but I also need to be connected with others ? and a significant other.

Because of this ?gap?, I decided to give up on my tango friend. He?s been aloof, distant and silent with me for a few weeks now, and I accept that because I know it is the way he is. I accept him as he is, and I am walking away. I even don?t know if I will be able to dance with him again. I don?t know how to handle the whole situation to be honest. I feel really stupid and lost. I don?t even know if he knows that he has this condition!

I think that it is not a good idea for me to get closer to him because of the emotional distance.

I apologize in advance if I hurt people?s feelings. It is not my intention. I just wanted you to know that there are some NTs out there, who want to connect with you, but they get discouraged and they quit. As they say ?In doubt, Forbear!?

Last edited by GWADIS on 02 Aug 2014, 5:22 pm, edited 1 time in total.

this is all moot if he's not even interested. Do you know whether he is or not?

I am unsure whether you're posting to talk about what is happening, or asking whether a man who has AS can connect.

If you're asking that question, the answer is of course, yes, certainly. And it's important not to believe everything you read about people with AS, as we do vary quite a lot.

That said, it's easier to connect to someone who unhesitatingly wants to connect to you, even though they may need their alone time. Someone who is willing to ask what is wrong, and look at what they can do differently to make you and themself happy. If his resonse to difficulties is to shut you out, it may be worth trying to start a conversation, but if he does not want to try to connect for extended time periods and you do, that is an issue that might not go away. AS makes this more likely to happen, but it doesn't have to with a partner with AS, and it can happen with a partner without AS.

Think about the notion of AS as an extreme male brain. I think maybe applies here, though not sure how well it applies generally.

It is perfectly possible! I have two comments on your post though...

1.) He may not even have Aspergers, even if he appears to exhibit some of the characteristics.
2.) Everyone with Aspergers is different, so what holds true in one case may not in the next, so generalizations can be a slippery slope. If you make a decision about your relationship, make it based on his actions and his actions alone, rather than on success/failure stories from a book.

@ Shebakoby : I think he is/was interested in me because his behaviour changed compared to the first times we met/danced. He wouldn't look at me, talk to me or even smile the very first times we danced together. Three months ago, he started to talk, smile and was joyful any time he would see me ... until a few weeks ago, when he withdrew.

We met 3 times for coffee, dinner and a milonga outside of our regular town. I didn't call these "meetings" dates in a romantic way but opportunities to know each other better. I told him that I needed to know him outside the dance floor for me to feel more comfortable with him, since I am a deep person. I also told him I would understand that he prefers to stay superficial, in which case i would keep my distance with him. And he replied "What about dinner together in a restaurant?". And he added: "If something happens, we will start from there". At first, I thought he was afraid of me/meeting me, so I said "Everything will be fine." Then I asked him what he meant when he wrote that. I asked "Were you afraid?" and he said "No" and didn't elaborate.

The way we dance together is very intimate. This was a shocker for me because I've had a hard time allowing men in my physical space. Ten months ago, I couldn't dance tango properly because of my fear. I guess I improved since I dance much better now and I accept all the emotions that flow in the embrace (the space between the two dancers). So when the connection occured with him on the dance floor, I was taken aback. We both felt it; even my close friend (who also dances tango) felt/saw it. That's why I wanted to know him better.

Now he is avoiding me. And I am doing the same. My empathy/protection mechanism makes me do that ... if someone is kind, I stay and develop the link. If someone is mean/distant/aloof, I walk away/leave. I think I don't know him enough to ask for an explanation. I may have misunderstood him after all.

@ Stargazer and Waterfalls: I agree with you. I'd better base my decision on his reaction not on what I heard or read. I also agree with you that it is wiser to leave if the gap is too big connection wise.

@ Waterfalls: I was refering to AS in general and my situation. Thank you for your clear answers.

@ Stargazer: You are right; I don't know if he is an Aspie, it,s just an assumption. But he shows many traits of this condition.

With the now avoiding you, IMO he got scared. Not necessarily of you, but maybe of what he was feeling. Some people get anxiety and even panic attacks, and sometimes these attacks are associated with how a person thinks or feels about another person. It may be overstimulation of various senses. Some aspies cannot be around people too much (including specific people but also groups) because the sensory overload is too much. Perhaps he does like you, but the sensation of liking you may have become unbearable, possibly painful in some way that most people can't imagine or comprehend. In which case, if he's avoiding you, you're still doing the right thing by avoiding him as well. Maybe he'll stop avoiding you, maybe he won't. Maybe he can only tolerate this sort of thing for a short time, and perhaps he can only act this way with a specific person for a limited time before "moving on" from any sort of sense of attachment or liking of that person. That's just the way some (autistic) people are. Or perhaps he sensed a dealbreaker. Some autistic people do not want that much attention, and may withdraw from people who they think are giving them too much.

There is also the possibility of paranoia. Specifically, perhaps, maybe people who treated him nicely turned on him or were fixing to pull one over on him (such as some kids may do to other kids in school). Maybe others did this to him and he never recovered or trusted again.

In all likelihood, however, it is overwhelmingly probable that you misunderstood him. Perhaps he feels nothing but was willing to give it a chance until he felt no different and then decided further efforts were futile.

I totally agree with you Shebakoby. You confirmed what I intuitively felt (even if I never thought about any mental condition). He only knows why he acts the way he does, and I don't know him enough to ask any explanation. I can only accept and try to understand him.
I feel better now that I have other perspectives. I am relieved and I can move on.
Thank you!

I am very emotionally and empathic(kinda, I sometimes lack knowing how to show it even though i feel it.) I actually have been called clingy by people who are very very independent. I hope that there is maybe a woman who is more dependent like me. I am not super dependent either. I am when its about emotions, love etc, but I tend to want to do my own things cooking,laundry etc.

as others said we vary person to person. I read stuff about as people from magazines and books and thought I'm not like that so what does that mean. coming here I was able to see there are others like me and others like in those books. that AS isn't one type of person but a spectrum.

the books and some experiences have made me not want to date another Aspie either.

OP: Based on reading what you say about feeling drawn to him, and how he seems to fit AS description, I would say it is important to be very direct about it to him. Aspies do not get hints. Maybe tell him or give him a little note if you like him. Guessing games are not applicable, if he is Aspie. And as others say, he may have been lured in and hurt by others and have big fat defenses to cope.

Can an Aspie be emotional with a partner? Yes. But it happens in a different way, and each person is different. Hope you have success figuring out what to do.

You're welcome.

Status quo is probably where it's going to have to remain. Since you don't know him very well, and he's not exactly forthcoming, if you were on what appear to be good terms before he started avoiding you, the last thing you want to do is have it all go pear-shaped with him having an actual nasty aversion to you.

When you say he's avoiding you, does that mean he'll physically move to avoid being near you while in the same tango class? Won't look at you (did he ever)? Absolutely won't say word one to you?

I always tried to be direct while interacting with him. I hate guessing games, mind games, subtleties, hints when it comes to dating/relationships. I don?t like the dating rules that most people follow either, since they don?t encourage authenticity.

Ten months ago, he wouldn?t look at me or even reply to my comments while we danced; I am a beginner and he is an advanced tango dancer. So I would make a lot of mistakes/step on his feet, he wouldn?t utter a word. When I left a milonga he organized with his school late November, I thanked him and said good-bye, and he kept-on writing on his laptop without lifting his head. I knew he was not being impolite but didn?t want to look at me. I felt it.

Three months ago, he came to a milonga @ my school, and smiled at me while approaching to ask me to dance. I was so surprised that I asked him if he remembered me. He said no. I said I remembered him, and told him about the last time I saw him in November. From that nite, he started coming to the milongas @ my school every week, which he barely did. He would smile at me, ask me to dance and look at me briefly when we talk. He stared at me too ? but I am used to people staring at me, so I didn?t give any special meaning to it.

We don?t take tango classes together, but we go to the same dancing events, including partnered blues.

After a while ? he started not asking me to dance or waiting the end of the nite ? then he started playing with his iphone, which he never did ? then he started coming an hour before the end of the milongas. And last time I saw him at a milonga in my school, 3 weeks ago, I said hi to him and we talked briefly before he played with his iphone. I left because I was feeling down and didn?t want to add pressure on him. We didn?t dance that nite; he stayed with a group of tango friends, and I stayed with another group of tango friends.

I already asked him about his playing with his iphone and he said that his mind wanders sometimes, but he is still enjoying himself. Well, he loves tango, and seeing him doing this anytime I?m around doesn?t encourage me to stay. My intuition is telling me to keep my distance. I am too much for him to handle. And that?s okay.

So he knows I am interested in him. I told him. I know he was interested in me because he showed it. Given my history of abuse, I can?t allow any man in my physical/emotional space if I don?t know him well, and I told him. But I also understand that I may be too much for him emotionally. I am so used to it!

Having the kind of empathy that I have is not that easy to deal with because many people are drawn to me for lots of different reasons, but they are also scared because I can see beyond the surface/through them.

He plays with his iphone when he is around me now. He doesn't try to engage in a conversation with me either. He avoids me physically, I would say.

The status quo is perfect for both of us. Time will help, and this will pass.

Thank you for your input Sly. It is natural to be interdependent emotionally with your partner. People who are afraid of intimacy will say that you are clingy or needy or too emotional. I've been there too. Now I know that I am not needy, clingy or too emotional. I am normal, and I need to find someone who wants the same level of intimacy than me.

I understand AS better after reading different comments here. I am so glad that I came here!

You two felt a connection on the dance floor. The best word for that is 'chemistry' or 'spark'. I have felt that weird feeling with others before as well. I learned the hard way that it doesn't necessarily mean I will fall in love with that person or want to get to know them. What it does mean is that I will be tempted to want to get closer and it sounds like this situation was a tempting one for you as well. Things don't often work out well in these situations and one often feels too scared to get further involved for whatever reason.

Me and the GF occasionally go to dancing events and I can tell when she is clicking with another dancer. If she at any point decided she wanted to get closer to one of these guys, I know full well she might have to dump me in order to explore this opportunity. Romance and temptation when they go together often makes the tempted feel guilty.

You are right Aspiemike. I thought about it too. It may have been just a tango crush. I've read that it happens often when dancing tango.
I am used to sensual dances though (I dance zouk, salsa, kizomba/African tango, Blues and West coast swing), and I've learned not to pay too much attention to what is happening on the dance floor. On my Island (I am from the Caribbeans), people dance very close to each other and it doesn't mean anything, unless both of the dancers want to act on what they feel.
I was taken by surprise in that case, that's all. Life is full of surprises
I am being more careful when I dance tango now ...
I don't think your GF will dump you because she clickes with someone on the dance floor ... unless you treat her badly, which I doubt