Help me understand my aspie ex

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Hey everyone!

I posted here a while ago regarding a devastating break-up with my aspie ex-boyfriend. It's now been about six months since we broke up and a lot has changed. After about a month of not speaking we started talking again. We have been in regular contact, and also met up and done stuff together as friends. I was happy about still having him in my life, and admittedly I was toying with the idea of eventually reconciling some time down the road. It's been sort of a push/pull dynamic where I've felt he's both been avoidant and approaching, but I've heard that's normal and tried to keep steady and supportive.

We never discussed the relationship, the break-up or the "rules" for our continued friendship, but I was fine with the way things were, and I felt that there was still a connection between the two of us. I enjoyed his company for the most part, it was awkward at first but there were times where being around each other felt almost as natural as when we were together. I still had very strong feelings for him, but wasn't really hoping for anything more in the immediate future.

Sometimes when we would hang out, my ex would make really weird comments about me. I felt like they were sort of passive aggressive remarks, almost like put-downs. He would criticize my furniture, my clothes, my sex life, and my relationship with my friends. It's felt almost like he's secretly angry with me over something. When we would go out together, he would make a point out of telling others that we were no longer a couple, like I was "up for grabs". These type of situations would occur mostly when there were others around and/or we had been drinking. I've tried to ignore his behavior and just let it slide off. When it was just the two of us, he would be a bit more sweet and kind towards me. He even invited me to come along on a weekend trip with him, I did and we had a good time.

A couple of weeks ago we were out together and started talking to three guys at the table next to us. One of the guys started hitting on me and while I was not interested in him, my ex told me that the guy obviously wanted to hook up with me and that I should consider taking the guy home, that it would be "good for me". At one point I tripped and hurt my ankle, and while the guys helped me up, my ex just stood there and laughed. I don't think one should hook up with other people while out with an ex. So I told my ex that I wasn't going to hook up with the guy and maybe we should just leave. My ex then got pretty upset, and once the other guys had left he started ranting about how he doesn't have any feelings left for me, and that we will never be a couple again, and the only reason he contacts me is because I contact him. He also said that he had worried that us being in contact and doing things together might have given me the wrong impression.

His outburst made me pretty upset, so I told him that I do still have feelings for him, and that maybe we should have a discussion about the future of our friendship, how best to go about it. He invited me back to his place and I decided to join him, on the way over we both calmed down and talked about regular stuff like friends again. But once we got back to his place I asked him again about his feelings, and he said he had none. I then asked him why he had asked me over, and his response was "why did you come?". At this point I was really tired and drunk and I just broke... started crying, tried to smooth things over, tried to hug him but to no avail. He said he didn't know if we can be friends anymore. Eventually he fell asleep and I left. I wrote him a text apologizing for being so emotional, that I must have misinterpreted his intentions and that I would like him to be a part of my life, but never got a response. We haven't spoken since.

I just don't understand, I'm so confused about this... If he thought being friends was getting a bit too much, couldn't he just have said so? Why go out with me just to pass me off to strangers in bars? He doesn't want to take any responsability for his own actions since we broke up, like he doesn't see his own part in all of this. I feel so defeated. I'm not a clingy person, I was ok with being just friends, but some of the things he's said to me are so hurtful, and not the types of things friends say to each other, even if they're exes.

I guess I was just hoping that someone here could help me shed a light on the situation. I feel like I really tried to make the friendship work, but that I've been mistreated and blamed for everything. I realize it's best to just move on, let go of any relationship with him. It's just difficult when I don't understand what I did that was so wrong...

I'm sure he is disassociating himself. This relationship probably does not make sence to him. He is staying away from the confusion. From what you have wrote, it sounds like this whole ordeal is up in the air for you. It is neither here nor there. Confusing. In an aspie universe, it either is, or it is not. I can understand how this situation can hurt you. Social coping skills are poor, and can be hurtful for us. If he ever understands the error of his ways, he will probably feel bad about it, but it may not change his decision. Sounds like he wants what is best for you. You may not understand how your behavior effects him. It may not be factual, and direct enough for him to not get a sensory overload. When this happens, things just come out wrong.

Thank you for your input and your kind words. I get what you are saying, It makes sense that he and I would view a situation like this very differently. Personally, I'm ok with uncertainty but not with being treated with disrespect like I feel I have been. I just wish I had foten the opportunity to say something, for my own sake.
At least now he knows how I feel about him, and is free to do what he wants with that information.

Aspie or not, he sounds like a deliberately hurtful person. I'm sorry, but I've stayed in emotionally abusive friendships and relationships before, and I had to go through therapy to learn that it's NOT ACCEPTABLE. This guy is a jerk. He's NOT treating you kindly, criticizing everything about you, pushing you into taking men home. He sound's horrible if you ask me.

WHY are you subjecting yourself to this unkindness? Aspie or not, he shouldn't be allowed to treat you so poorly. This is not a friendship.

You need to cut your losses and end this so-called friendship. It's only lingering love that is making you try to give him the benefit of the doubt, but there comes a time when you have to wake up and realize this is sh!tty.

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Maybe the OP is mistaking the universal "you" for the specific. Often people get offended thinking I am insulting them, when I am actually talking about the human condition, or something.

Thank you for sharing your thoughts. I don't really understand why I've let him keep at it. I think I thought it was some kind of misguided expression of jealousy. I think he has been struggling with a lot of things in his life lately. But I agree with you, it's not acceptable. It just doesn't make sense, he used to be a really warm and caring person at one point...

It would have been nice to know that that was it, but no such luck. We don't live in an English speaking country, and our language uses two different words for "you" in the universal and specific sense respectively. Either way it's hard to be mistaken about propositions like "That guy wants to shag you, you should do it, it would be good for you".

These are characteristics of an abuser that happens in a emotional abusive relationships. My ex was this way but in other things.

Seems like a waste of time.

I wouldn't assume that people on the spectrum would necessarily be able to understand it better. Being on the spectrum may set some parameters for behavior to happen, but it doesn't follow that we would be able to understand other then using out own intellect, analysis, and experience. But we don't all behave in the same way.

League_Girl might be on to something.

On the other hand he could be trying to get you to stop obsessing about him, by behaving badly. This behavior is not limed to people on the spectrum.

Anyone's guess, becuase online no matter how well explained you usually get one account, and you don't get all of the information.

I definitely think you should move on it isn't worth your emotional energy, you are making it harder for yourself.

I would say in this case, it really is a no contact, no looking back deal.

Tell me Tarantella, how this OP's thread is Asperger-related?

I think the guy is being honest when he says that he is only staying in touch with you because you are initiating with him. A very 'player' like move to say the least. His bad behaviours probably are to get you to go away because he is too much of a coward to tell you himself that he no longer wants you around and hopes that you will be the one to say "f**k it.. i've had enough" But then again, that might bruise his ego as well. This guy knows he has you on the hook and is likely have his fun with it. You have given him soo much control and you need to take it away from him. But don't be surprised if you get an angry response for it.

so he broke up with you oringally ?

I don't get post relationship friendship. I myself will try not to do it again in the future. that said he sounds mean. why didn't he help you up and laughing at you :'(

I can't begin to understand the rest. I never seem to lose feelings for people. I also don't get why he invited you if he didn't want you there. do people do this as being polite while not actually meaning to invite people?

First off I just wanted to apologize if anyone here got the impression that I thought my ex's behavior was somehow typical for people on the spectrum. I'm not suggesting anything to that effect, I was just hopeful that maybe someone here recognized some part of my story and could help me fill in the gaps. Obviously, this is an Internet forum where we're all unique individuals, and I'm interested in any and all sorts of input and/or advice. I've never been in a situation like this before, all I know is he's not acting like anyone else I've ever known, but of course it may not have anything to do with AS at all!

It sure seems like he wants me gone, seeing as he never replied to my last text. I'm thinking my awkward meltdown had something to do with that. If that's what he wants, I can only respect his wish. I haven't been initiating contact more than he has but I just don't get why he would go out with me and then insult me, unless there's something I'm not seeing. It's like he reaches out to me, for company or support, but doesn't seem to care about hurting my feelings at all. I never wanted to give him control over me, but I feel like he sees my vulnerability as an opportunity to take advantage of me. I'm not ashamed of myself or my feelings, all I want to understand is why.

It's hard to for me to understand now, but he used to be my best friend.

Seconded. Personally, I cede control of relationships of mine to the women and let everyone reach an understanding of my mind on their own time. Seems to me accepting this paradigm would be a healthy change of pace for this guy. You need to loudly and clearly tell him in your own words that it's really not so damn difficult to be nice. He's giving the dudes on our spectrum a bad name, being kind is a conscious decision anyone can make at any moment in time, it's a system of reasoning folks like him usually need to be walked through or taught by example, I think it would be prudent to handle such proceedings with him at a distance.

Awww, now come on There's more understanding in this topic alone than I've seen from him in six months. Surely one bad apple can't be allowed to spoil you guys's reputation! Not sure if/when I'll get the chance to lay it down for him, but I really hope I do.

Honestly don't bother just walk away.