He's too needy

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I am in an AS/AS relationship and recently I've begun to feel suffocated by it. As the relationship progresses, there are naturally more expectations that we're supposed to be more involved in the other's life. I don't want to have to keep in contact with somebody a daily or almost daily basis. I want my life back where I don't have to factor somebody else into it. I'm feeling a bit guilty because I should have never gotten involved with somebody in the first place. I should have known better, but it just kind of happened.

We have been together for ~7 months and he has recently dropped the L bomb. I was frozen. I don't love him and I'm not even sure if love like that is something I'm truly capable of. I stood in front of him for a few minutes until spewing out some kind reply without saying it back. Yeah, I know, 7 months in and I'm just now realizing that I'm possibly not capable of loving somebody like that. Way to go, me! I think I'm going to give it a couple more weeks to just make sure that I'm not being rash in reaction to his words, but there are some things that I've been having big issues with since he told me.

He seems to have gotten 100x as clingy and needy, which is probably not all that clingy and needy if you compare it to your average NT, but I (wrongly) assumed that we would have similar semi-cold approaches to these kinds of things in the start of the relationship. He constantly whines about how I am not affectionate enough and how I do not respond to his affection how he wishes I would. While I'm over here just thinking to myself "PLEASE lay off on being affectionate." I do not want to say it, because I'm well aware that it would hurt him, but it's driving me craaazy. I do not appreciate having such high expectations for what I should say and how I should react, especially when he knew how I was before getting into all of this. Why is he expecting me to suddenly alter my behavior at this point?

It has gotten to the point where I actively try to avoid him most of the day and dread the times when I have to talk with him. He's a good guy, though. The conversations are nice at points, but I'm so tired of talking about feelings/frustrations/the relationship. Just ffs, I never ever thought a guy with AS could be this needy and sensitive. I just don't see how I didn't catch onto all of these things sooner.

Sorry, just needed to rant a bit and I hope I don't come off like a horrible person even though I know that I kind of am in this situation.

My ex boyfriend was the same way. He didn't seem to expect my personal space and he had a problem with me not liking to be touched. He also complained about how I wasn't affectionate enough. I don't understand lot of touch and I get overstimulated from it and I feel like I am being smothered and closed in like I am in a tight space. Even tolerating it for a few seconds or sometimes wasn't enough. Same as if i would decide to cuddle to be warm or liking to be rubbed. Maybe it's a sensory seeking thing for them, I don't know.

I could also never talk about my feelings to my ex without him getting upset and taking things I say the wrong way and feeling like he is taking what I say out of context and my anxiety was bad for him. I don't think he could handle it so he acted cold about it. he did a good job making me feel guilty about things because I wouldn't do what he wanted and I remember making myself do things like hold his hand to make him happy. That is what a relationship is about right, make your partner happy and support them. But the he would tell me don't do it because I feel forced to, do it because I want to. But I knew if I didn't do it, he would be upset with me and think I am self centered and I wanted to be a good girlfriend and make him happy.

I do have an awful thought that yours is controlling if he is telling you how to react to it and stuff. Mine did the same thing and my parents said that was wrong of him and my online friends called it controlling. But you say yours is a great guy, I thought mine was too. That is what they all say about their abusive partners. I didn't know either, he wasn't beating me or losing his temper with me and kicking my ass or breaking things or throwing stuff and grabbing me and shoving so of course I didn't now I was in a abusive relationship. And like most victims, I gave him excuses for his behavior. He has AS, he has PTSD, he has low self esteem, he is just unsecured, he is just so worried about what others will think of him, he is just being honest. Maybe I am wrong about your partner or maybe I am not.

I would agree that he has been becoming a bit controlling. Not abusive, but definitely borderline controlling. There is a lot of focus on what he feels, wants, needs. The only time he has brought up his AS was when he used it as an excuse after saying something incredibly hurtful after something didn't go his way. Told me that him having AS causes him to not really know how his actions/words affect others, but I feel entitled to call BS excuse on that in regards to this situation considering I also have it. and it was something that just wasn't OK.

I feel like I'm always the one needing to make adjustments so the situation is better for him. There is some consideration for me on his part, but only when it doesn't contradict with what his wants are. It's not like he tells me what to say/do per say, but he never fails to let me know when things aren't up to his standards or if he has been upset by my lack of reciprocation. Which is fine if it's an occasional thing, but is it really necessary to discuss this stuff every single time? Why do I have to understand that he wants more affection and then carry out that affection beyond a point where I'm comfortable with it and he doesn't have to take into consideration that even the smallest amount takes a lot of effort on my part. I do not exist to boost his ego/self-esteem.

My opinion is that you and your bf should work on compromising if it were to work out. Of course if you decide to break up with the bf because you truly don't love him, remember that compromise is important. What I mean by that is your bf feels more loved when he is getting affection from you which he has made very clear. The fact that he is complaining about it and expecting it says that much. Do I call it needy? No. Do I call him telling you how he expects you to do something to be controlling? Not in this case. At the same time, you don't feel love in the same way he does (ie. affection), therefore it would help for you to understand what it is that others do for you that makes you feel most loved. I recommend a book called "The Five Love Languages"

My gf feels more loved when I assure her and show her love by actions, and then words (take her out somewhere she wants to go, or giving her flowers followed up with "you look so beautiful today.") I already know the affection is definitely second with her (she withholds when she is upset).

Thank you for your insight. I should clarify that just because I'm not necessarily in love with him doesn't mean that I do not care about him. I mean I wouldn't be in the relationship if I didn't. When we first started dating I was 100% cold, but throughout the months I have tried really hard to give him what he needs emotionally. Except that I'm about at my limit where I can verbally express my feelings for him before I start resenting it, which I have already started to. I show my feelings through actions and that's just the way I am.

Also, when I'm talking about him telling me what he expects I mean that if I reciprocate 4 out of 5 times, but I fail to do so to his expectations on the fifth, then he will make a big big deal out of it. At this point, this isn't him complaining about me not being affectionate at all, it's literally him complaining about me not showering him with affection on a daily basis. Half of the time he is complaining about the fact that I obviously don't take well to his excessive compliments and such. I feel like I have compromised

Clearly you care about each other, I don't see that aspect as a compromise. Seems to me you could explain to him verbatim that for you, things aren't as much a matter of supporting one another's emotions as much as the need for common ground and trust. Defining relationships is always more difficult than reconciling them.

Aspiemike gives great advice. Nice book too.

We all enter relationships looking for different things thus some relationships are just never meant to be. So be honest about what you want, what you?re willing to offer and then move on from there. The four out of five times isn?t right, I understand where he?s coming from being exceptionally vulnerable but he needs to understand that it hurts you and then be guided into action that doesn?t hurt you. Too often people fail to communicate properly about what they want so as to create an amicable and open atmosphere.

Dump him then laugh at him as he breaks down in tears!

You don't love him.

You just want a sex relationship with him, stop lying to yourself and to him.
Tell him the truth, tell him that you just see him as a (maybe dear?) friend with benefits and that you don't want to see him regularly, tell him that you need sex/makingout maybe like once in a week/month/while I dunno- he might accept the deal.


End of story.

What? We've not even had sex yet.


I guess since I'm already posting that I'll just give a quick update. I had a pretty frank discussion with him that ended quite badly, but things patched up and I think we'll be OK for the time being.

Oh, then replace FWB with friend and sex with nothing/company/wtv in my post.

That's fine, there's nothing wrong with trying show your feelings through actions. You could also try write down what you feel but it's up to you.



I think that it's a bit unfair of him to expect that of you. Has he shown affection to you? With regards to the excessive compliments, I would sit down with him to talk about what you expect from each other. Ask him what he wants from you and tell him what you want from him, he needs to compromise as well. Sometimes you or he will have to lower your expectations with respect to what each of you are capable of doing and sometimes there are ways to work around that. The problem is, he may not be very good with showing affection either, given that he's also got AS. You need to look for different ways of showing it. However, I really do think that it's unfair of him to expect you to shower him with affection every day like that.

Oh, by the way. You are capable of loving, the fact you care about him actually shows that.

It is possible that he wants sex and you're not giving him any of it.

Last edited by The_Face_of_Boo on 16 Sep 2014, 4:22 pm, edited 1 time in total.

Is it possible that you've slipped into his "special interests" category and, without warning, have slipped in as his latest obsession? There are lots of books on AS relationships, and problems with understanding boundaries tend to pop up in a good many of them.

You two might have an incompatible and irreconcilable difference in personalities, in which case, the difficulty in maintaining the relationship might not ever get to a healthy place (this is not an AS issue, many people run into this. After the enjoyable, getting to know each other phase, people tend to revert to assumptions of how relationships are supposed to work, and sometimes these assumptions are too great to make the relationship successful).

However, it might be an AS thing, and it might be coming from both sides. Perhaps you're presenting yourself very differently than you realize, just as much as he is, but in totally different ways. If this is the case, it might be in both your best interests to figure out how AS might be effecting how you engage in relationships, that way you can be more self-aware for the future (whether you stay together or not). Though I'm not sure how one would go about this.

In the end, you've always gotta way how much trouble vs how much good is coming out of this, and whether things change for the better or worse over time. Best of luck!

Yeah, I've been wondering about this possibility as well honestly. Which I get it, because he definitely became one of mine for the first 3-4 months into the relationship, but all of my obsessive behaviors that stemmed from that never directly involved him, so it never affected anything in the relationship. If that is kind of what's happened, then I have no idea how to go about it. I guess let it die out considering he has backed off a bit after the frank discussion I mentioned earlier in this thread.

As for your other words, thank you for your insight.




Enough with the sex stuff

Last edited by calstar2 on 16 Sep 2014, 4:26 pm, edited 1 time in total.

It's not very considerate towards yourself to ignore people you care about. Even if it's just for your peace of mind, I say you owe yourselves the gift of civility.