My ex called me back after a good bye...now what?

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Alright, I am deeply in love with my ex and I harbor no anger towards her.

I was diagnosed with AS 2 weeks ago. The same condition that my ex GF has.

after months of no contact I wrote an apology and letter told her that I was diagnosed. I explained why everything was confusing and she did not show any empathy and she was seeing some one else. I wrote a few nice sentences and said my good bye and a good luck to her.

1 week later. She texts me and wants to meet me to help learn guitar with her since her and I have the same taste in music...and pizza ^_^

She is seeing some one else, made me promise that I am not going to try to hit on her or take her back, and yet she is not telling her current "guy that she is seeing" what is going on.

one side of me says YES! I get to rebuild our friendship now knowing that I also have AS

the other is oh no, the second I see her I'm going to hug, kiss, and yes try to take her back!


I need to be responsible for my own happiness, that is all there is to it. I am happy to have her back in my life nonetheless.

Here is the question. How do I calm myself down and not try to go after her the second I see her?

Next question, should I be concerned that all of a sudden that she had this change of heart?

Honestly, I think it sounds like you'll be getting yourself into a bad situation that will be of no good to you emotionally. You still love her and I highly doubt spending time with her is going to in any way decrease those feelings. At the very least, I would say save rebuilding a friendship until you no longer pine for her or she is no longer involved with somebody. Just my personal opinion, but best of luck.

The situation sounds like it is bad. I let her go out of respect that she is seeing some one else. In my mind, promise or not she has forfeited her current guy she is seeing already by inviting me in secrecy.

She cannot have me on the side and use another to full fill her needs.

Its time that I show confidence since I know what was going on with me for 30 years. Allot of my anger from the distant past is solved now that I know why people are mean to me. I was mean to them and they where not my friends to begin with since they retaliated with hatred and violence. I blurted out harsh truths and heartless statements. Guess I deserved it, and good riddance to them.

The mask is off, and I will not wear one again just so I can rekindle my ex's love. In an Antonio Banderaz voice..."Let's play"


There is allot of running away on this message board. My stage of self loathing and pity party has ended. Yes I'm probably going to get hurt again. I know I will regret not trying when I'm old and alone many years from now.

You're not ready to come face to face with her yet. That is what your messages are telling me. Give yourself time.

yes...I do need to calm down

The situation doesn't have to be bad, you could just take it at face value: she did ask you not to hit on her, which is a clear indication she does not want to have you on the side, at least not in the conventional sense of a clandestine intimate relationship. The secrecy might be motivated by many people feeling insecure if a current partner carries on meeting the ex, even to be friends. If you are bothered, tell her you don't want secrecy, because it will eventually come out and be a problem for all three of you. If she wants to meet you, it must be with her new partner's consent. If necessary, make sure you always meet them together.

Last edited by Gromit on 30 Sep 2014, 12:34 pm, edited 1 time in total.

I want her back, now that I know that I am an aspie too. I'm not confused anymore why I can't look at her face, or why I don't hear anything she says when she is turned away from me.

Now I know why I get anxious if my routine is interrupted or I can't peruse my personal interest. Now I know why I get jumpy when she moves her arms suddenly when she wants to hug me.

Now I know why I miss her social ques of conversation and or intimacy. She is a little upset at herself for missing all my symptoms when she is an aspie her self. Even her own doctor told her that I might be on the spectrum.

Now I know why my head felt so drained even though I couldn't wait to see her again.

I have been single all my life and now just turned 37. It's been bad relationships, back stabbing friends, and multiple deployments into combats zones. Now I'm in this world of of people getting upset over receiving the wrong cookies. She really tried to push me to get help while I was to stubborn to realize what I was. She didn't think I had Asperger's which I showed allot of signs of PTSD. She pushed the wrong way thought...that is past now and I forgive her. The break up brought a pain I have never felt before and a realization of a pattern in my life.

I have to stop copying people, TV and video games.

All relationships end. The old one between her and me is gone. Thank Goodness. I was to dense and focused on how to cope with her Asperger's and I lost my own identity in the process.

She did not have to call me back. I said good bye. Now she wants to play music with me, something we did and enjoyed while we were living together.

now I got that off my brain. Take it as it is. No expectations.

This sounds sooooooo familiar.

I just don't see how anything positive can come of this. You might need a little more time to deal with these feelings you're having. If she's committed to someone else, it's not a good move on her part to start seeing you again. I think you'd be playing with fire. That's really all I can say, especially since she's not being up front with her current bf about seeing you again.

Having been married for nearly 9 years, a rule we live by almost religiously is we do NOT under ANY circumstances reconnect with old flames. My ex who I'd been in a horribly abusive relationship with for pretty much all my high school years and half a college program called me up two weeks ago asking me to help with a project she's doing with some of her high school students (she's an English teacher). I said, quite plainly, that it would be at least two weeks before I could even THINK about doing that but would be glad to help as soon as I could. We chatted about what was going on, strictly business, for probably a good half hour, and my wife was sitting next to me the whole time I was on the phone. I should also add that prior to this conversation, she actually messaged my wife via Facebook to initiate contact.

There are other women I'm on good terms with. I might send an email every few months or a couple of years, but my wife knows EVERYTHING I do. I like it that way. She does the same thing, not because she has any obligation to me to do so, but because she values my trust and feels it's the right thing to do. Good relationships build security through transparency. And yes, I'm a very insecure person!! ! We help each other out and avoid the trust issues that plague a lot of unstable relationships.

What YOU have to deal with is the opposite: The relationship broke up for a reason. My wife and I broke up two separate times, btw. The first time was when I got a second chance with an old flame, and I thought I could make it work. Trouble is there was a distance issue, so I ended up with this situation where, well?"if you can't be with the one you love?" The other woman never knew that was going on, but I ran out of money and she was gold digging. The relationship quickly disintegrated that summer, and this woman just wouldn't leave me alone. The other time we didn't "officially" break up, but I ended up in an ongoing relationship with someone else and she had a few flings of her own. It was another distance thing. So I came back home when I was done with college and she was still waiting for me. It just seemed stupid not to marry this girl.

If you're Splitsville and you just can't stay away from each other and you each deal with your own personal issues that made a relationship impossible, you've got a good chance. As long as you understand it's NOT ever going to be easy and you both can genuinely start over, you'll do just fine.

I couldn't see myself going to the friend zone with an ex-girlfriend. The gray state.

In my opinion, either don't see her anymore or steal her back. Sounds like she is testing the waters, and is using the guitar thing as a way to do so.

That sounds so very black or white, or Aspie-ish, not sure how to answer that.

In my experience, downgrading a failed relationship to a friendship is a recipe for disaster.

I feel she is testing the waters and not leading me to think there is a chance. In other words, I go there be happy and confident and show her I'm not desperate to get her back and not let her push me around or let her flaunt her new relationship at me.

If she was interested, anything short of being honest with you, isn't worth considering.

She specifically saying don't try it on. Take her at her word.

As you want her back, you must be honest with yourself what you expect to get out of this.

The good bye was definite, I did not expect a any contact after writing her a cordial letter.

Why? This went from go away, I don't want to be your friend, to come over and lets do something we use to do together that helped us bond in the beginning.

Way to much fear people. Run away run away is all I read. Fear is what broke us up in the beginning. I had no idea I had AS since being alone and focused on war most my life. If I start to over load , I hand her one of my home made cupcakes kiss her on the head and be on my way. No bichin. no cryin. Most of all no arguing!


I made a promise not to go chasing after her...she is chasing after me. Let her do all the work this time. She is making the dates and initiating all the contact. I am having a blast learning the songs that she likes.

The fear is there for a reason.

However?only you know your situation. We're saying what we say just based on the little you've given us. I still don't see how this can end up well.

That said, you're probably going to end up getting her back. And, hey, if it ends up working out, it's not our place to tell you not to go for it. Sounds like your mind is made up.

It could be her current relationship isn't going all that well, either, and she's just going for any port in a storm. Maybe that's all it takes, but I would have serious trust issues if a girl treated me that way. I've been on both sides of that?leaving and getting left, and going right back. My wife was pretty persistent and very easy to fall in love with. It was the YEARS of trial-by-fire that solidified our bond that made staying apart just seem like a dumb idea. If you have something like that starting with her, who are we to tell you what to do?

1) She's seeing someone else, and you're still in love.

2) She's seeing someone else, and wants to hang out with you and not tell him.

Maybe her intentions with that are innocent-- just avoiding conflict by keeping her mouth shut, less said the better, all that-- and maybe they're not. You have no way to know.

But those two things are enough to tell me that this is a situation you don't want to put yourself in. This situation is a disaster waiting to happen.

The first one, with a lot of self-control, might be painful but manageable.

The second one is a frackin' deal-breaker. TOTAL FRACKIN' DEALBREAKER.