I wrote the following a few hour ago. I intended to share it here. I don't know if that's a good idea. But I don't know what else to do.
--
I'd spent the last four hours becoming enamored with this girl. I was at a party with all of four other people. We decided to move the party to somewhere downtown.
So I'm at this bar. She's there, so is her long-time male friend and one other person. As part of some kind of internal joke, she takes a cube of ice, puts it in her mouth and starts swapping it between her, her friend, and another girl.
Eventually, it's my "turn". Her lips touch mine. I can still feel it 45 minutes later. Soft.
My brain ceases to function. I can't concieve of this latest of my experiences through any means I can think of. I look around, only to realize I'm not alone in the room. I get embarassed, such as it is, that I'm presumably not doing whatever it is I was supposed to do. A kind soul - the lady's friend - offers to take me outside. I'm still frozen, like a computer suffering bluescreen. Nothing makes sense. Nothing is happening. My person - or, the thing I try to be - mutters some insinuations that I'm not really capable of dealing with women. I insist that I must leave.
After slapping myself across the face several times, I get on my bike, only to pause by the library in Holstebro, thinking I'll just sit down and try to cease existing, somehow.
I start processing. This causes me to start moaning, and soon I'm sitting against a wall in the dead of night weeping and crying over, presumably, my life and, though I refuse to admit it, I'm probably crying about the girl, too.
I try to convince myself, "I'm just going home after a day of work. I'm playing Crusader Kings II. I'm playing as that character, because my brother died, which is good, because he had the "weak" trait, and I already have a son to inherit my realm. My realm is stable. I can declare holy war on the Uqailids."
I seem quite desperate to believe that, despite being in the process of sobering up in the middle of the night, I'm just doing what I always do on any regular day.
Once I establish some kind of self-control through crying, and after a nice young man, seemingly unencumbered by the world's burdens - except for compassion - stops to ask me if I'm okay, I get back on my bike and head for home.
I switch between cackling manically and weeping all the way home. I realize - quite suddenly, though the thoughts forming the realization fall into place over a few minutes - that my long-standing desire to see myself dead is utterly futile. I am, I realize, already dead. I seem to have died years ago, in fact. I don't know quite if this counts as metaphor - the person whoI tell myself that I am tells me that it must be, since dead people don't write - but I must be literally dead. I must be a spirit, floating around on his bike, assembling computers at work, wasting whatever time is left of the day conquering the Uqaylids in CK2. I don't have to die. I'm already dead. I died years ago. My mind suffers no emotional content, so this can't be life.
I cackle because I realize this saves me the trouble of killing myself, or - especially - admitting to my parents that I'm dead. Is this freedom? Have I achieved free will? The choice to suffer the material world or withdraw into that of the spirits?
I weep because I don't know what else to do. Will I ever touch a woman's lips again? Can a woman love a spirit? Can I be alive any more? Can my spirit be, once and for all, restored to my body? Does it matter, seeing as death is the final destination anyway?
It's been about 20 minutes since I came home. I don't know if I'm stark raving mad or if I've finally discovered the secret to what happened to my life.
I'm about to play CK2. I'm playing as this guy. His brother died, which is good, because he was weak. I already have a son to inherit my empire. My empire is stable. I just hope I won't have to go through another regency.
---
What the hell is wrong with me? What do I do? I am thinking I'll eventually write the girl. What could I possibly tell her? "Your lips drove me insane. I'd like to go out with you?" I don't even know what going out is. I've never gone out with anyone who I wasn't already in a relationship with. I don't know the proper procedure or even the common customs in my area.
I can tell that I'm abstracting to prevent myself from thinking about her. Is this healthy? Should I try to forget her? Like I forgot all those other people? My former girlfriends? My friends? My family? This is the death I've been inflicting upon myself to protect myself from suicidal thoughts. Does it make me free? Miserable? Or just crazy?
I feel like any input would be useful. Thanks for reading.
01 Nov 2014, 9:50 pm
