He wasn't "man enough" for my ASD..

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How is everyone doing?

So, this is going to be long and I'm sorry in advance, but thanks for taking the time to read this.

I'm halfway through my pregnancy and my partner of 3 and a half years told me that he doesn't love me anymore and he doesn't want to be with me romantically. I'm basically a homemaker, completely dependent on him. I've never had a job or been on my own before. I'm also severely agoraphobic. No license and no GED either. I'm socially isolated and I have no family to rely on, as they're very emotionally manipulative and abusive. I just don't function well day-to-day or in society well. He knew about most of this from day one, the only thing he didn't know was the Asperger's (undiagnosed), but I told him about 2 months or so into the relationship. He said he was okay with it all and he didn't care about any of that and he kept saying that through our entire relationship.

Up until recently he said he was happy and in love with me and wanted to be a family. But he was very up-and-down, I don't think I really believed him. He's nice one minute, cold and aloof the next. He is/was always belittling me for my ASD, or complaining about all the things I couldn't do for him. All the reasons why I was messed up. I kept trying to talk to him about everything and how he was feeling, but he would get angry and ignore me, or give me the cold shoulder, or get high, or just leave if I persisted.

I should also mention he's on probation and he abuses drugs. He self medicates with weed and drinks sometimes, but when he drinks he's very easy to make angry. He's hurt himself many times (broken his hand before, had to go to the hospital for injuries a few times). I don't know if anyone knows about that fake weed stuff, but he's been addicted to that since before I met him. He's put himself in debt just to buy it, taking out loans he couldn't afford, borrowing money from his parents to buy it. His parents know about his addiction. He has only said a few times that he has a problem, but he refuses to get help for it. He won't do counseling, therapy or support groups - says they are all stupid and won't help. And he rarely takes responsibility for any of his actions, words or choices.

He says I can stay with him for as long as I need to, he wouldn't let me be homeless, its his kid too. But he's so unbearable. Snappy with me and he never wants to talk about where to go from here. I honestly don't think he thought any of this through. I was talking to him about the baby's last name, that if I left and got aid and got on my feet that I would want the baby to live with me primarily and he was so bewildered. Asking me why I would move so far away, where I would go, etc. I also think it was extremely selfish of him to tell me this NOW while I'm pregnant. I've had no appetite, gotten sick and barely slept at all. All of which is terrible for the baby that he apparently cares about. :/

I just wanted a family and someone to love me. I think that blinded me to a lot of the issues going on. We were supposed to get married and he would talk about how we would grow old together and now everything's fallen apart. I took him so literally, my brain isn't computing a lot of this. The change is so abrupt, I'm fighting a meltdown. I don't know what I did wrong and how everything is so messed up. I know I wasn't perfect in the relationship, but I tried. He said it wasn't my fault, that he wanted to be good enough, man enough for me, but he couldn't be. He couldn't handle my ASD. He's miserable and unhappy and he hates himself. My ASD was an inconvenience to him, he couldn't be himself with me. Said we just weren't working, but if you ask me, he didn't try at all. How could he? He was literally getting high all the time and sleeping day in and day out. I don't think he knows what he wants - period. I think he needs to work on himself and me too. I want to be strong for this baby. But I feel so lost.

I thought that since he said I was his best friend and he still cares for me that it would mean something, but I don't think its okay for him to take his stress and anger out on me. I try to tell him that, but he doesn't understand, I guess?

Anyone ever been in a similar situation? I really need a friend. :/

How does everyone else get through the obstacles that ASD brings into a relationship? Is it even possible for someone to love me wholly, despite everything that it entails? Or is it hopeless?

First off, you're among the ~7 billion folks around here, which makes you & yours integral parts of my family. I say you must explain to dad flatly that he is not allowed to be high on research chemicals around any children at all. He's man enough to be alive by now, which from the standpoint of an herb conniseur is impressive enough in its' own right, I'm well aware of the cardiac risks imposed by sythesized cannabinoids. I know plenty of perfectly normal families in these parts who are all born & raised hippies, but none where this was a factor. Education and money do not succesful parents make, I'm living proof of this, love is what's needed all around (certainly not limited to you two) and I think you'll be very surprised what it can bring out in people.

I believe positivity can go quite a ways these days; you're woman enough to convey plenty of basic truths.

_________________
"Standing on a well-chilled cinder, we see the fading of the suns, and try to recall the vanished brilliance of the origin of the worlds."
-Georges Lemaitre
"I fly through hyperspace, in my green computer interface"
-Gem Tos

Your post really kind of angers me, I feel you.

I've known too many autistic women now, some your age, some much older, who basically have been completely f****d up and f****d over by neurotypical males.

I see this thing happen with autistic women and men where. In this society women can be socially accepted and sexually pulled into social dynamics by being passive. So an autistic female can just allow the more dominating men to overtake them, give them everything, say they will do everything. While on the flip side for autistic men, they must learn to do the seducing and overtaking, they can't be passive, and as you know, for an autistic male that is extremely hard to learn. So basically you end up with most autistic males horribly depressed unable to learn how to be sexual and seductive, and who are easily intimidated by neurotypical males because of how sensitive they are. Then autistic girls get pulled into relations with neurotypical males which really the only thing that keeps them going to autistic girls is for sex. Neurotypical people can't fully emotionally connect to autistic people and innately get and understand everything about them. So what happens is the man then gets addicted to the relationship because he's getting sex easily, and autistic female is getting a man being there. But true connection and deep love I think fails to happen because of the cognitive separation essentially making its decay inevitable.

I've seen it happen so many times now. An autistic women was married for like 6 years, had two kids, the neurotypical man just dumps her, can't stand her, she's basically homeless now. Another instance an autistic girl basically got so condtionined into sex by neurotypical males that its the only way she knows how to be social now. She just has tons of sex with neurotypical guys who don't understand her, leaving her increasingly more devoid, and increasingly more dysfunctional. Both these instances are really angering to me. I don't so much blame the neurotypical men or think they are inherently evil, as the subject of neurotypical and autistic relationships is new and maybe they honestly think they can make it work. But neurotypical male sexual instinct is to dominate women, beat them down emotionally and psychologically, make them feel disempowered and incapable of functioning in society, i.e be a housewife. But they do this to autistic women, and autistic women like it because it feels like there fitting into a social mold and fitting in like they always wanted. But I have never actually seen it end up working up in the true long term because right now autism is seen as some kind of thing that can 'improved' or largely 'corrected', and I think neurotypical males allow their relations to autistic women to happen because they think they will be able to fix or improve the autistic woman until she can satisfy all the same emotional and social vibe instincts for him that neurotypical women do. But then after some time they realize its not going to happen. The woman is autistic, there will always be a void, the connection will never be as deep. They were wasting their time. And neurotypical males have a dominating 'surivial of the strongest' mentality so just tossing her to the side to create a 'strong neurotypical family' to them seems like an actual solution that is truly more beneficial to humanity.

Of course I don't know you personally. or him personally. Thats just from the experiences with whom I know personally and what Ive personally seen. But based on my perspective of what I've seen. Become aware of how he wants to control you. Become aware his interest is not empowering you. Become aware he is inherently more selfish. Try to get out of connection with him and find someone who can deeply mentally connect with you. Try to find community and support locally. Really important to have people around you who connect mentally on the autistic level.

This is a big issue of autism right now I see that, autistic males end up horribly depressed and sexually inexperienced and thus have no idea of how to even develop a relation. Then leaving the autistic women to be subject to the very dismal sexual instincts of neurotypical males usually leaving them much worse off. Ending us up in a situation with a bunch of autistic males in horrible position and a bunch of autistic females in horrible position of a different nature. There is probably going to be much suffering in this dynamic over the next 20 years new generation of autistic people. It's something we have to figure out how to get through. So ya you, have a hard task, but its something that absolutely must be figured out how to be done. Many more will be in your exact position, many more will have a tendency to again fall into your exact situation.

Im really sorry that I don't know if theres much way to comfort you from where I am. I hope my perspective on my personal experiences can help you to get more clarity on your situation and what is really going on. But you should really try to get proactive about finding people local to you.

You and your child may be at high risk for domestic violence. I feel, you should get the paperwork going for him to have to legally pay child support. He is allowing you to stay in the house because he does not want to pay child support. Also since he has an income and you do not, he can use lawyers and judges to take the child away from you. That is exactly what my father did. And when he finds a suitable girl for himself, he can kick you out of the house, even if you have a child. You have no legal rights if it is his house.

Your situation is not good. Emotionally also, he can really mess up your head. Having drugs around the house is like having a loaded gun. If he gets busted, they will also look at you, since you live there, and CPS will try to help the child and maybe take him or her away. That is another scenario.

He doesn't want to be together anymore so take the initiative and move out as soon as possible. Contact your local social services, social worker, etc. Be proactive and don't let your autistic tendencies hold you back. There is no time for that now. Mistake made, now time to correct.

I do not mean to be offensive but your husband sounds like an abusive dick to me. Also the drinking and drugs raise flags with me.

Arent there safe houses created for women escaping abusive situations? I dont know much about them but it sounds like an option. If you have to contest your child it will also stand as evidence of his abuse

I am sympathetic, but part of me think it is perhaps natural that he may have difficulty dealing it.

Consider if your situations were reverse are you sure you would be be able to cope too? How do you know for sure?

"man enough" isn't really the right phrase. Maybe if you were talkign about talk about taking responsibility as a parent then I would agree, but regard to compatibility it could simply that.

I know that party line is they should "understand", but people are human.

So of you problem whilst I'm not diminishing them in anyway, don't think that non of them could be address.

It is difficult to know why he is abusing drugs. But if he is going to do something about that, that might considering that you make some baby step, toward something that you would wan to deal with. After all it would be beneficial long term especially with child.

Thank you to everyone for replying. Just being able to talk about this with anyone is helping me deal with it.

This same thing happened with my first ex as well. I did the same song and dance, even moved to NY for him. The break up with him was pretty horrible too. :/ I feel like I'm unintentionally repeating habits learned from my parents. They were both extremely abusive, emotionally and verbally. And sometimes physically too. .. I didn't really get hit, but grabbed and yanked around and -- Jesus. I think I'm just making excuses for that too. They were also both addicts.. Actually, I think I'm just easy prey in general. I got bullied A LOT growing up, from almost every school I ever went to and sometimes by multiple persistent bullies, groups or teachers. I never really fit in with any of the friends I did make either. The only time I ever, ever did well in school was when I was in special classes because I was failing most of my classes and could never keep up with the other students. But I got bullied and my parents transferred me to a different school, because I begged. It was all worse from there.

One of our biggest issues was always friends. When we got together, I didn't have many friends and neither did he. He also had difficulty fitting in and making friends too. Also has social anxiety issues. I think I must have been attracted to that, because I thought he would more understanding to my issues too. He said he was. But then he started making friends and inevitably leaving me behind. I had even, at one point, said I didn't want him to have any friends. I know. Messed up and selfish. But I swear, I didn't mean it as a way to control him or monopolize him. I was terrified he would get friends, move on without me, or his friends would think I was weird and he would think badly of me. This happened with my ex and it happened with every close friend I had growing up.

There were a lot of issues when we first met too. I had been living with my father and he was pretty bad and stressful to live with. I was barely leaving the house, but that wasn't really new (I've been housebound agoraphobic for 12 years now.. :/ ). I met the baby's father months and months later, but had been drinking to deal with stuff and he got me into the fake weed stuff for awhile. His parents also invited me to come live with him and them, so I did. It all happened very fast. I jumped in and I thought because I told him everything and was honest, it would work out.

So, its 2011. We end up almost homeless for awhile, because his mother got into a fight with me one day (I hadn't said hello to her and I guess I had been rude to her, unintentionally). She basically called me a slut in so many words and said I was using her son, etc. And somehow we ended up moving in with my father. But that didn't work out either. And then we were living in the ghetto, him trying to work and care for me. Him doing odds and ends to get us by. Living off food stamps. Eventually, we had to move back, because the state demanded it. So, we moved back into the house his parents own next door. We've been living here for the 3 years since. So, that was the first 6 months of our courtship.

Around that Christmas (only been living there for a few months), he went to his parent's house for dinner, and he was drinking. I guess, because I wasn't there and I'm going from what he said, he broke down about how our strained relationship was messing him up. His father finally said something about how his mother was acting wrongly and she apologized, but never and never since to me about any of her crap behavior. I guess that made me mad, because I felt like she was just telling him what he wanted to hear without ever really owning up to anything and she should have been apologizing to me too. He made excuses for her. Somehow, we ended up fighting about it. And while he was drunk, he got angry with me for not just accepting it and utterly destroyed his hand by smashing it against wood. He also tried to throw himself out the window, was beating himself up and saying he hated himself, he was a failure and he wanted to die. Again, I felt like this was my fault. I didn't see that he was drunk until it was too late and I hadn't meant to anger him. All I could see was that his mother should apologize with no perspective on anything else. He eventually passed out and didn't want to talk about it again.

He found stable work in early January and has been working there since. But meanwhile his mother and I were very tense (we didn't speak and they fought about me) and he had to buffer, but they were helping us get by. I was frequently having meltdowns when his mother came around the house or if he went over there. I had already quit the fake weed crap by the time he got a job, but he was still going strong. So, he was spending most of his pay checks on that. He brought that up in the break up fight recently, about how he said we should quit at one point, but I hadn't wanted to. But at no point, did he ever make an attempt to quit himself. I think he blames me for his addiction somehow, but I know that he started doing it months BEFORE he met me. Even after I quit and I tried to help him, he refused and even tried to pressure me into starting again for months.

Its the Spring again and Summer of 2012 and things are mostly good. I'm eating healthier, still learning to cook and I'm usually pretty good at cleaning. The house isn't really moved into, though. We're still running most of the errands together, shopping together on weekends to avoid the stress of crowds in the daytime. We were still having a lot of communication issues, so I asked him to read a book I bought about LTR and ASD, he said he would, but never really did. I sometimes read it to him and he would say, "Wow, that's so you." Or "that explains a lot." But nothing much came of it. That Summer is extremely hot, he's still getting settled with everyone at work and at that point really dislikes it, stresses about it, but busts his arse. We're spending loads of time together, playing video games (lots of Halo Reach online) and watching movies. At this time, we're cuddling and intimate and I do everything else basically but sex. I'm all over him with oral, hand jobs, but he doesn't have much of a sex drive. He starts giving rides to a fellow co-worker who he likes, and I come to find out later, that he sometimes snorts cocaine with him. I didn't know this at the time.

A little bit before a year of living there, his mother started charging rent. But then, when she wrote up a lease and I wasn't on it, I was pretty upset about that, and he had to deal with that. Meanwhile, its November-ish and he's making impulsive and crap choices with money. Money was mostly going to rent, getting high and then he was all about the Amway and how he was going to make it big. I said it was a bad idea, but he went ahead with it anyway and low-and-behold, nothing came of it and it was a huge waste of money and time. This happened a lot during our relationship, he would just ignore all my sound advice on everything. Thinking back, I don't think he respected my opinion at all.

He's still getting high come next Christmas. He goes to dinner with his parents again, but I don't go with - don't feel welcome. He starts picking up another co-worker on the way to work and they have a weird friendship. The dude is older, has a woman and kids, but is hanging out with my dude and crashed a few times at our house, because his woman didn't want his drunk ass at home. I certainly didn't want his drunk ass at our house, but I'm ignored. They were getting high together sometimes and I wanted him to have more stable friends. Otherwise, we're still spending lots of time together. He seemed happy, said he was happy, if a bit stressed. At no point did he want to quit, even at my urging and we fought about it sometimes. But otherwise, I just left him alone. I didn't figure pushing him would help. But at some point, I started blaming myself for his addiction too. :/

Its the Spring and Summer of 2013. He's been working in a different part of the plant he works at for about a year and completely loathes it. He's miserable, he's stressed and I think this is when he started to really take his stress out on me. In the Spring, he makes another new friend, who he's also getting high with all the time and goes half-vies on a boat we can't afford. He barely talks to me about it or includes me in the decision and then BAM - he comes home with a boat. He starts spending a lot of time with this new friend and I guess I complained, because I was feeling left out and neglected. We fight about it sometimes. Around this time, his father asks if I don't like him on Easter and how I never come over. So, I end up overcoming my fear and go over for dinner. His mother and I begin at least talking and I'm trying to not stand in the way of their relationship, however unintentional it was in the first place. I'm also trying not to stand in the way of his friendships, but its difficult because he is coming and going and I never know what's going on. We go to the fair and he's miserable the whole time and crappy company.

Then September through about January 2013 - 2014 comes. In September, he finds a new home with his friends and he's over there all the time after work. I mean all - the - time. He goes there for hours after work, he comes home to get high (still on the fake weed) and goes to sleep. I'm barely seeing him at all. We spend less time together and only some on the weekends. He's going out drinking after working and driving home with a bit in his system, regardless of being a felon. This goes on for a long time and no matter how much I try to talk to him, he's unresponsive and quick to anger. During this time, I seek out friendships online. He's not romantic or emotional enough with me and my loneliness gets worse and worse. Around this time I ask if its okay if I sext, he's says sure. So, I do. I meet a guy who's nice and tells me I'm beautiful and makes me feel attractive online. Old pictures of me are sent. Eventually, its not enough. I just want to work things out with him.

Around January or February, he started to talk more. He wanted to quit and he was going to try with his friend, but then he started doing more weed and spending money on that every pay check and buying alcohol all the time. He started playing Call of Duty Ghosts all the time with his friend too. On the weekends, it was literally 8 plus hours, but I was just happy he was actually home at that point. One day when he was playing all day, we ended up getting into a fight. I don't remember how it started, but I was upset that he was spending more time with his friend(s) than he was with me. I thought it was odd. I was upset that he was drinking. I told him so; I told him I wanted us to spend more time together. He got mad, he had been drinking and he was drunk, but again, I didn't realize until he was screaming at me over the mic while his friend listened in. He said how he was only with me because he felt sorry for me, that I was clingy and I suffocated him, lots of other hurtful stuff that I don't remember. That he was mad that I wouldn't let him have friends over, etc. It escalated, he ended up punching out the glass in the garage and then coming back inside to puke while bleeding everywhere. I had to call his friend over. I couldn't deal with it anymore. I went over to his parent's house and spent hours crying. His mother consoled me and said we need counseling and he needed to hit rock bottom.

He ends up laying off of the fake weed for a couple of months, but takes up drinking and weed. They both seem to make him more calm. I propose that, as his partner, I get weekends, so I feel less neglected and loved. So, we do once a month or month and half for a couple of months he gets a guy's weekend. Basically, I found the suggestion on a couple's forum. It seems to be working out okay. He goes out to his friends house, where all his closest co-workers/friends room together near work. But we run into a few problems when his buddies are doing stuff on the weekends and we fight. He goes back on the agreement a few times. He ends up saying one thing a lot and doing the opposite. I'm unhappy sometimes, happy others. He's off-and-on all over me to just wanting space.

I end up finding out I'm pregnant at the end of May when I miss my period. We had had sex ONCE out of 3 years and presto-pregnito. I'm pretty hormonal during this time and I'm having a crap ton of mood swings. He takes the brunt of them. June and July I'm wiped out, sleeping all the time, fatigued (always had issues with this, though), crazy nauseous, among other horrible pregnancy symptoms. I'm trying to figure out how to come to terms with the reality of being pregnant and we decide adamantly against abortion. When adoption is brought up, he becomes angry and says I'm selfish and he won't allow it. He says he's happy to start a family with me, once he's gotten over the initial shock (about a month after finding out). He has previously agreed to therapy, but it is forgotten and put off with the new pregnancy.

Sometime in July, I think, he runs out of weed and turns back to the fake weed with his friend. At this point, he's barely hanging out with his "guy best friend" as.. low and behold, said friend gets a sort-of girlfriend! He's spending weekends with me barely conscious, but loving and cuddling and telling me he loves me. This continued up until juust recently. There had been a couple of fights - I was unhappy with him being untroubled by all the baby purchases that need to be made and I kept urging him to take a look at lists and prices and to make sure there was money to save up. At some point in the relationship, he had told me, if I wanted to save up, to take a little bit out of pay checks to, or it would get spent. And while I did do this on-and-off, he always got to the money anyway. So, we're fighting about money again. I have a little tucked away, but not nearly enough for the big purchases that need to be made. He doesn't know where it is and I guess that bothers him, even though he flat out told him to hide it from him, because he ends up screaming at me about how its "his hard earned money!! !!" Also, he had a perfectly fine prepaid phone and recently switched last month to get a "smart" prepaid phone, as well as getting a cable package for HBO. Both of which added to our fights, because we couldn't afford it!

And viola, here we are. He just recently quit the fake weed again (like a week ago, as far as I know), because he got sick basically. We had been fighting about that too. I couldn't stand to see him zombed out all the time, especially not with a baby on the way. He hated that I bitched and complained at him about it.

As a note, most of the time I had difficulty gauging when he was high or drunk at all, even if he was doing it right next to me. Same thing with my parents growing up - total lack of perception or awareness to it at all. Even though, it should have been obvious. I just didn't see it. And not because I didn't want to. I have little awareness to anything else, including my immediate surroundings. Same thing with people's moods. I just can't read people. :/

SO. I'm basically telling everyone this, so that its not so one-sided. I made mistakes too. I think the main difference was me owning up to those mistakes, or trying to and trying to work everything out. I don't feel like he ever really did try that hard to listen and communicate with me, to be honest. I think he thought that because was working that I should just deal, he was too stressed to deal with anything else. And after taking almost all day to type this, I think I see a pattern in his behavior. Not really sure what, but I think its there. I also switch between thinking, what the heck, he knew all my issues this whole time and kept saying he wanted to take care of me and be together "forever," to thinking this is all my fault, because he's right I don't work and I relied on him for everything.

I have a horrible time leaving the house, especially by myself. I haven't been to the store in over a year. I used to go shopping with him, but then he started to treat me badly when we went, snapping at me under his breath near other people, complaining that I was too slow, because of sensory issues dealing with all the lights, sounds, and processing the shelves and surroundings, and navigating through the store. Hell, I have trouble getting from point A to point B with everything. I think I resented that he could go to the store with his friends and not be a complete jerk.

Anyway.. Insight is needed, especially now that I've given a hopefully-clearer view on things. Its really long, but I really do appreciate anyone who takes the time to read it.