Broke up with Aspie BF

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I've been dating an undiagnosed Aspie (both in our 40's) for about 6 months. Our issue up until now had been his lack of apparent desire to spend time with me. The last time he went three weeks without seeing me, he apologized and promised to not do it again. Well, he did it again... Over the last month I told him (by text, as that is the only way he'll communicate) that if we break up, it is not because I don't love him, but that I can't deal with only seeing him every 2-3 weeks. This was about 2 weeks ago. A week later, and no attempt to see me. This gradually led to me stating that we are over, and expressing my surprise at his lack of response/caring. (When I talk about anything emotional, I get no response from him. In the past we resume talking when I drop the subject and talk about something else)

I became very upset and depressed about the breakup, and messaged him last weekend. I said I couldn't stop thinking of him. When I told him I was depressed, he responded, "are you sick?" I said, "no! I'm sad about us"

I asked him if he even cared, to which he said, "I do...am I just lazy about it?"
Wow! I didn't even know how to react to that statement!

I wrote him a short free-verse poem and sent it to him. It was more therapeutic for me than anything. No response. For closure I said that the poem was cathartic, and any questions in it were rhetorical (I didn't expect a response anyway). I stated that at this point I feel like I'm just bothering him. That was the end of our communication.

It's been a week. No response or attempts on his part at anything! I'm shocked! He said he loves me and even talked about wanting to have a kid with me! His behavior is borderline cruelty IMO. The strange part is, before he went missing, it seemed we were getting closer, breaking through invisible barriers so to speak.

What bothers me most is the lack of closure. The last time we were together it was wonderful. We kissed goodbye. Then it's like I don't exist in his world. Can someone explain why the passive lack of response with someone he supposedly cares about? I didn't put too much pressure on him.

Last edited by CodeGrey on 05 Oct 2014, 2:32 pm, edited 1 time in total.

You ended things. I mean, ended. If what you really were trying to do by breaking up was evoke a reaction from him and have him suddenly change his ways, then that's on you because you gave him plenty of time to realize what would happen if he didn't try to spend more time with you. He probably already expected it, which explains why he is passive about it. Time for you to move on with your life.

I did give him plenty of opportunity to redeem himself. You are right.

Thanks. I'm just surprised that he doesn't want closure too! I'm 41 years old and can't believe that someone could not care to this extent. I know he has trouble verbalizing emotions, but he never had trouble telling me he loves me. Part of me thinks he is too emotionally immature to deal with it, so he ignores the situation (and me)

Hmmm? You broke up with him, so you kept contacting him? Sounds like somebody has a hard time letting go?

In all seriousness, sorry for your pain. I hope you can find peace soon and move forward.

Yea...usually people discuss issues and work out a compromise when they care about each other. That is what I wanted to be able to accomplish. He was not receptive and has a general cluelessness about relationships. It's sad. I know deep down he wants more.

What did you expect he would react? To do fireworks?

Exactly.



Are you sure?

Just move on. Don't even question it.

You say you didn't expect a response but in the next paragraph, you say that you're shocked at the lack of response. I'm confused.

He HAS closure.

You gave him an ultimatum; he could not meet the conditions, so he paid the price. The relationship is over.

He HAS closure. That's not to say he isn't sad...

...but he's not going to call you up swearing he'll change, or begging for another chance, or whatever. He's going to be polite when he sees you in public (though he might completely alter his routines to avoid that); other than that, he's not going to speak to you. He's certainly not going to show sadness in front of you. Because The Relationship Is Over.

Move on-- you want a guy who will play social games, and that ain't an Aspie guy (at least, not a sane one). You will have to figure out how to get your own closure (though I will tenderly suggest that you should have been OK with "OK, I guess it's over then" being the answer to "We spend more time together, or it's over." before issuing the ultimatum).

He has abandonment issues. Him being to lazy to answer a text pick up a cell phone or just write back and disappear 2 - 3 weeks at a time.

Face to face its all hug kiss and maybe we'll see each other again soon....key word ....maybe. Did he always say maybe or the word perhaps when asked a question about the next meeting.

I would hang on hoping the maybe becomes a yes. Then its like the day before the maybe of the meeting, I have to ask if we were on or not. Usually its a no, they are busy or just don't feel like it. The the girl wonders why I'm not open with her....is she serious?


This guy made you feel like this girl made me feel like. I was a secret, an option, something to do when they are bored. This makes you feel like s**t! "I'm to lazy" = You are not a priority to me. Aspie or not. He deserves to be lonely for a very long...long time....you don't.

I know this will sound harsh or rude, forgive me. This first part is the harsh part because this is likely what he might be thinking:

My belief is that when someone breaks up with me, I will go no contact ASAP. If he is as much of an Aspie as i was two-three years ago, I would likely be thinking "She broke up with me, so why does she want me to contact her and act like I care?"

The previous poster mentioned abandonment issues and I did have them myself. Early dating experience showed women who treated me like I was nobody and would just suddenly go no contact with me without actually giving me the respect of a proper breakup. I then immediately thought that this was ok to do in return. I also dealt with many cheaters who thought it was ok to treat me like an option, and pull me back when I mentioned that I was going to dump them and look elsewhere.

This is the part that I will have to point out that struck me as "he seriously said that?" You don't know how to react for obvious reasons. With the amount of disrespect he blatantly showed you, I would be more than glad to get away from someone like that before any more damage is done to me.

It's for the best ,, we make useless lovers , the autistic men at least .

It wasn't a good match up. That sort of only occasional interest on his part did not indicate a lasting relationship in the making. It might have worked as a casual thing with someone equally distant/removed, but not with you.

His lack of response might be because he was not very emotionally invested in it, in the first place. Or it might be he is no where near normal relationship capability.

People can change a little, but not a lot, usually.