Getting my head around being friends

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Okay, so I've come to accept that a good, lasting relationship develops from a solid friendship.
I've realised that the whole '3 dates' rule applies to neurotypicals, particularly those who play games which I am not interested in.

What I do not understand is how to be friends with someone who I clearly have feelungs for internally. I mean, friends I can do, I know how to do that and I understand that it's important. On reflection, I can see how movies etc. have influenced my perception of relationships in the past, the idea that I'm going to lose someone if I don't make a move etc. I can see how this is disrespectful to the woman I care about, how attitudes like that contribute to the objectification of females as a whole.

I am happy to be friends with this girl as I value her company and I respect her wishes. I am struggling, howevr, with the fact that by the very nature of my personality, I still care for her in a romantic way. So how do I seperate this from the delusion that we might be together one day? It feels like I am repressing my feelings by ignoring them and if she ends up with another guy, all of that will hit me with its' full weight and I will be in a very precarious position mentally. But ultimately I want to look beyond that or learn how to deal with the possibility without being self-destructive. I want her in my life but I feel like I'm being dishonest to both myself and her by hiding all of these feelings, which to me are genuine.

I'm typing this on my phone at work, so I feel that a lot of what I want to say or explain will go unsaid, but I hope this makes sense.

I'm pretty much in the same boat...it's been a year since I told my best friend I have feelings for her and she ultimately obliterated what little remained of my already shattered heart ( seriously, the planet Alderaan got off easy... ). But the thing is, as depressed as I am over the fact she'll never feel the way I do....I know I'd feel far worse if I didn't have her as my best friend. Right now, all I have is the hope that maybe she does have feelings for me & we could be together someday ( though it's fairly clear I'll die alone pining for her ).

I guess the only advice I can offer is to try to find somebody else, assuming you want this girl in your life as a friend. It's definitely not easy, but it's really all you can do. I hope you have better luck than me....

Well, one option and perhaps the best one is to be truthful with her. And we mean SERIOUSLY truthful. Explain to her that you have feelings with her, but due to your nature, you're not good at expressing these feelings. Ask her if she has any similar feelings. Though the Squid does not date, we do know that honesty is the best policy. If she does not have feelings for you, simply accept this and ask if she wouldn't mind continuing your friendship as usual. It really doesn't hurt to try.

Don't be overbearing. Don't pour your heart out. If you're uncomfortable with sharing your aspieness with her, just play the "Nerd" card and say you've never done this. Be sincere. You don't need to make your move like in the movies. But you should talk to her.

Don't devalue the value of friendship. If your friend doesn't want a romantic relationship, why destroy the friendship? Your friend could match you up with someone wanting a romantic relationship. I think you need to suppress your feelings towards your friend and respect her feelings towards you. Unless her feelings towards you change back to how you want her to feel towards you, you need to move on with your life and seek another romantic interest. If you can't do that your friendship is doomed and that would be a pity.

Well, you have to work at keeping "feelings" out of it. Make many friends, "hang out" often. Allow yourself to be attracted to any number of them, see who out there reciprocates more than anyone else. Give it time, and when you two find that you're the only ones of the opposite sex you hang out with, make it an official, exclusive relationship. Don't get caught up in the emotional part of it. When you allow "feelings" to distract you, i.e. if you get hung up on one person early in the game, you're going to miss finding someone who really cares about YOU that you could easily fall in love with if you gave her a chance.

Speaking of movies, I've seen historical fiction and read some cheap historical romance novels where the girl ends up in an arranged marriage and she's told she'll eventually learn to love the guy. We don't have to worry about THAT these days. But I don't think it's settling necessarily when you "learn to love" someone who really is the best person for you, even if those "feelings" were initially absent. I look at it as what is best for me, not necessarily who I'm "in love" with. There's no woman in the world I love as much as my wife, nor has there been anyone I've loved this much. It didn't start out that way. She was never me "dream girl." In the end, over time, she's become the one that blows all the dreams away, and it has been an AWESOME ride!

I know your situation all to well. How in the heck can you just be friends when your mind imagines sexual contact and a primal urge to be a man. You are willing to take responsibility for your actions and you want to explore a relationship with a great time going out and having dates and physical contact and emotion.


This is where we go wrong. We imagine things going this way also knowing that it will not be perfect. You want to know, you want to try, you want progress.

WANT WANT WANT WANT WANT, IMAGINE IMAGINE IMAGINE IMAGINE. = EXPECTATIONS EXPECTATIONS EXPECTATIONS

When she is not gravitating towards you, causes panic and fear. You fight, and you chase.

You are aggressive and you do not play games, manipulate or lie. Hiding feelings feels like lying. You take every hint and you analyze it.


Breathe...yes now take a deep breath.....its going to be okay ^_^ Channel your emotions to being social. Positive and show her that she is not the only one you are focused on. Feels impossible.

Ask her out and be confident when you ask her out. Rehearse this s**t and have a plan when she says yes....have a plan when she says no...DEFIANTLY HAVE A PLAN WHEN SHE SAYS MAYBE.


To me maybe is the worse answer you can get. It leaves you in chase mode. That is where I am stuck at.

I agree with progaspie. If the friendship has true value to you, don't mess it up by putting those romantic feelings out there where they muck up the whole thing. Easier said then done, I know.

Thanks fkr the replies all.

Unfortunately, for those saying to find another girl or show interest in others... My mind doesn't work like that. That's the game I was saying I can't play. I appreciate what's beig said but it's just not possible for me.

To those saying to, or not to, put my feelings out there, I kinda already sent her about 10,000 words on many things including my attraction to her. This was when she said we should be friends, and also when she revealed that she doesn't understand social conventions and had no idea I like her. Given that we met at a house party looking reaaally uncomfortable at opposite ends of the room and eventually bonded over how we can't handle crowds etc, I am confident that she is also an Aspie, which is why I'm so excited to know her.

As it stands, she's maintained contact including that she went on holiday recently and made a point of getting in touch as soon as she got back. I can see that she cares but she has expressed difficulties in processing and showing affection etc. which highlights to me the importance of being a good friend to her. In the interests of maintaining a rare and meaningful friendship, I know I need to put my own feelings on the shelf to accommodate her own.

Thanks again for the replies, good to get some perspective.

Ask Satan for a love spell.

So I went and asked him, and he was like 'HUR HUR HUR MY CHILD, WHAT USE IS LOVE? HERE, HAVE SOME LIQUOR AND AMPHETAMINES AND THIS GOAT'

I enquired as to what the goat was about and he just looked at me and went 'HUR HUR HURRRRR'

I don't think Satan's very good at dating tips

He's a wise badass.

Goat meat tastes great when grilled.