How Should I "Come Out" to My Date?

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I am an Aspie who has been dating this NT girl non-exclusively since mid-June. She's studying to become a special education teacher to young children with Asperger's, and we really like each other.

However, I am very self-conscious about revealing my Aspie status to her particularly because she wants to teach children with Asperger's. I'm worried that if I "out" myself to her, she'll treat me differently and/or lose interest in me. This fear is not just paranoia, as similar things have happened to me in the past when they have learned that I have a disability.

Should I come out to her? And if so, how should I do it?

I would of thought that someone who teaches children with Asperger's (or at least studying to become a special education teacher who teaches children with Asperger's, especially things like social skills) would probably be more understanding than other people of your Asperger's. You could just tell her that you've been diagnosed with Asperger's, you can't keep it from her for ever. You could bring it up when having a conversation with her about the children that she's teaching.

Hide it forever.

Only reveal it on your dying bed.

hmmm…

non-exclusive dating, check…
special ed major, check…

Dude, did it ever occur to you that maybe she's already figured it out?

Agreed with the poster above. She would have to be very oblivious not to have any kind of suspicion.

No doubt that she does already suspect it. If she already suspects it, then all the more reason to tell her. If you start dating her exclusively, then it simply isn't practical to keep it from her for ever.

She's becoming a special education teacher for aspies.

Not a diagnosis specialist.

Doesn't matter. I was an instrumental music education major and was required to take probably 2/3 of the psychology courses offered to undergrads. The ones I didn't take were, like, abnormal psych and exceptional child psych, and all the upper level courses that were really prep for master's degree programs for counseling, therapists, and the like. Educational psych covers all the bases of exceptional and abnormal psych, so you know it when you see it EVEN IF you aren't extremely well-versed in psychology. In a nutshell, ANY teacher can do it.

We're not dealing with an everyday music ed. major HERE, though. We're dealing with someone who not only has my psychology background, but actually SPECIALIZES in special needs children. She's going to have a LOT more coursework and be a lot more qualified than I'll ever be in understanding special needs children. In short, she's not "just a teacher," whereas my training is a bit closer to your average American teacher.

No, she's not "qualified" to make diagnoses, and I agree that's not her job. But that doesn't mean she's not going to recognize the signs. She's seen enough to know. And in this case, I'm betting she probably already knows. She's probably mentally making a diagnosis right now.

In fact, most teachers know just enough to be dangerous. If I were dealing with an undiagnosed student who I suspected had a learning disability, I'd be within my capacity as a mere music teacher to ask a school counselor to speak with the child and advise me on how best to proceed. The school counselor might also make a recommendation to the parents to have the child meet with a specialist for a "real" diagnosis. Actual protocol is going to depend on the school district of course, but ALL teachers are supposed to have at least a minimal working knowledge of special needs kids before entering the classroom.

Key word: "minimal."

I don't know how the system is in South Africa, but where I'm from (the US,) special education teachers are frequently, if not most of the time, out of touch with their students, at least teachers of ASD people. I once overheard a special education teacher refer to her students as "speds," which is an incredibly ableist slur. Also, I have a friend who teaches autistic children, and while her heart is undeniably in the right place, she can't seem to grasp that groups like Autism Speaks hurt the ASD community. I'm worried that the girl I'm dating won't be willing to listen to such things.

And for all the posters who have said that she's probably figured it out by now, I find that hard to believe, as we have only been on two dates. The only reason we haven't had more is because of the great distance between where I live and where she goes to school. Furthermore, I can "pass" as neurotypical pretty well, and most people I know have been surprised when they learn that I'm an Aspie.

Then it's too early to even think about that.

You really are not obligated to tell her that you're an Aspie. It's not like Asperger's Syndrome is contagious!

I would tell her when you feel like you could really confide in her. For now, I'd hold off.

There are some people who teach Special Ed who have prejudices against special ed students--that's a true statement.

Agreed with this as well. I know vegetarians that work for the butcher.

the ones I've met don't want to date their work if you get what I mean. ie they don't want to deal with it when they get off and go home. also some of those teaches can be quite mean. know one who hates teaching and kids but does it for money.

best to be honest in a relationship, the long its held back the more upset she might get about hiding it. I don't know when to tell them either though.

She might even think you're fake; because those who get enrolled into special ed are usually the severe cases.