NT/AS relationship woes

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My boyfriend and I first started dating about a year ago, we were friends for 3 years before dating. It wasn't until we started dating that he told me that he was diagnosed with AS as a child. This didn't deter me from being attracted to him, rather it encouraged me to do some research on AS and exactly what it meant. I had read some pretty negative articles from women who were in an NT/AS marriage and I tried to focus more on the positive comments and advice that other women had given. He is intelligent, sweet, very physically affectionate, and loving.

My aspie and I were doing just fine, but in the period of 2 months we have taken a huge nose dive and are headed for a crash landing on the surface of reality. We can't communicate?I try to understand him but I can't keep trying when I feel he doesn't try and understand me, KWIM? I'm worn out. EMOTIONALLY DRAINED. Here are the emotional issues he is experiencing, based off of our conversations and his own confessions:

-negative
-procrastinator
-ungodly low self-esteem/self-worth
-lack of goals
-lack of ambition
-daily depression/decline in mood
-irritable
-wants friends but makes no effort to make any or keep any

He seemingly is in a grumpy/bad mood about 70% of the time I'm around him; I understand that he works 10 hours a day, and he is tired and just wants to veg out on the couch or on his computer, I GET THAT. However, he radiates negativity?so much so that my 5 year old son (not his child) refers to him as "Mr. Grumpy-Pants" (which he finds highly irritating). I usually only see him in the morning and evening, since we both work all day?and he is like this. As a partner, I feel that I should take measures to improve his mood; make him dinner, offer a back rub, let him talk about his day?but I can't do that EVERY day for the rest of our lives. I have a household to run; kid to bathe, kids homework, my homework, animals to feed, house to clean, etc etc. Being responsible for someone else's moods and emotional state is something I'm not willing to do anymore.

I encouraged him to go to counseling due to his poor moods, and he accused me of "pawning him off on a doctor". From an NT perspective, I've done all I can do, and sometimes you need outside perspective to help guide you on your path of life. Someone who will give you unbiased advice and help you better yourself?a therapist! I tried telling him "I care about you, I'm worried about you and our failing relationship and I think it would help" but he ignored it. I had to look up a therapist and give him the phone number to call?from an NT perspective, why wouldn't he take the initiative? I have expressed concern and unhappiness through my actions, words, tears?every way possible.

I feel like instead of having one child, I have 2 I hate it. I hate that our relationship has come to this but its been 3 days and I haven't heard ONE word from him. I've been thinking about him, hoping he is okay?but honestly this whole week that he has been staying at his house has been nice; my son and I are getting along great, and I don't have someone griping at my dogs for every little move they make.

*sighs* what a first post?if there is anyone out there that hung in their AS/NT relationship through a hard time, I welcome your advice. Sorry if this sounds jumbled, its a post and run.TIA.

You stated that "being responsible for someone else's mood is not something you're willing to do anymore. Since the beginning of the relationship have you been responsible for his mood?

If you were ok with it for this long, what has changed?

I personally wouldn't want to deal with negativity in a relationship which is a totally separate issue from AS. The only advice I can think of is to determine where the negativity is coming from. It appears to not be coming from anything you've done but obviously I only have your side of the discussion.

Maybe ask him what you can do differently? But if how you're describing him is even 70% accurate, it sounds like it's his issue and unrelated to the AS and actually related to his negativity which would require him to personally address

You and my wife could probably have a good time swapping stories.

We've been together 15 years, married for 9, and have three children. We hold to a traditional view of husband/wife roles, and heavily involved in church, etc. Through an unfortunate set of circumstances, we both took turns losing jobs--I'm just not vey well-liked by, apparently, people who matter, and I think maybe my wife didn't giver herself enough credit as to getting a good, solid foundation on her career. So?short story is we went from living in a 5-bedroom, 2-story in a nice neighborhood to living in a trailer on the edge of town, I went from making $30k to barely $8k. During the hardest part of it, there might have been "emotional cheating," thoughts of splitting up, fighting bankruptcy and financial irresponsibility.

I still don't have a job-job, I bring in a little extra gas money by teaching piano lessons, play a few gigs here and there on my own or with bands, and spend the bulk of my time writing and producing my own music. I have the lion's share of looking after the kids and avoiding daycare/babysitting expenses, she does more of the domestic work in addition to having a day job. We've had a lot of time to sit down and discuss everything that is going on with us, our family, and what direction we SHOULD be going together as a team. Aside from a few relatively insignificant medical bills that we can handle and student loans, we don't have any bills. We have a line of credit through her work that we've used ONCE?after which I threw a fit, pitched in every extra penny I had coming in that I'd intended to use to invest in a project, and we haven't looked back. We are comfortable for the time being and are fighting to stay that way as long as possible!

While I'm not the big wage-earner I used to be, she has made me the head of our household. I'm the CEO, the big boss, the idea-man. She doesn't need my approval for everything she does, but at the same time I lack her brains. The few times I've really put my foot down on something I disagreed with her on, it turned out actually being the best decision, and it was hard to see that except only in retrospect. I'm a better leader, while she's better at getting stuff done. I also make solid effort to give her a break from house chores, such as cooking supper at least one night a week, occasionally washing dishes, doing a load of laundry, ALWAYS taking out the garbage. I'm the king of the electric pressure cooker and keep us supplied with cooked whole chicken and stock for soups, rice, etc., nobody can steam rice better than me, nobody pops popcorn on the stovetop better than me, and I totally rock the oven baking bread--all of which keeps grocery bills down since we're never in want for school lunches or pre-/post-dinner snacks. We have two vehicles but primarily just use one of those unless we absolutely HAVE to use both, and I'm solely in charge of running errands, paying utilities, transporting kids to/from school. It's my job to teach them how to play piano and improve their skills, and I make sure they start their homework. Our life is very simple and basic. Nobody envies us. But we're surviving and less stressed than people we know who are rolling in cash and somehow can't figure out how to keep their bills current.

It is true that I spend more hours of the day on my computer. I waste a lot of time. But what I hope for is that I'm actually being productive for most of it. I'm hoping by staying busy I can eventually turn our fortune in a positive direction.

The reason I'm telling you all this is because I think, on the one hand, you need to hear that "raising a second kid," if that's something you can be OK with, can be a livable situation. We make it work. Maybe I don't exert the same effort my wife does every day, but I do manage to set her mind at ease over a lot of things. I earn my keep through leadership and support if not through money.

On the other hand?

If I understand correctly, you aren't married to this guy. You don't have any tangible obligations here. I'm sure you love him and want things to work out. But is it possible in your case love simply isn't enough? In my relationship, love is NOT enough. But we've also been through a lot of crap together and saved each others' lives and been best, inseparable friends long enough that what we have transcends anything resembling "romantic" love. Is this something you have with this guy?

What I think?and this is only my opinion and I can live with being wrong?is you really need to reevaluate your priorities in your relationship(s) and discover, love or not, whether you think this is something you can really live with. Just from reading your post and knowing nothing else about your situation, I don't see how this is really a livable situation. It could be that you're finding out now that this just isn't a good fit for you and your child and what's really best is that you split while you can still do so on good terms.

I second that the negativity is a separate isa from the AS. It does seem like sometimes he might be stressed at work, we often might retreat to be alone for some time. The best you can do is ask him where the negativity is coming from and what you can do differently.

What happened two months ago? Did he get a new job or was there a significant change in his life? Since you've been friends for awhile and have dated for over a year, then you would've noticed the emotional issues early on, rather than 2 months ago.



You are not responsible for his behaviors and actions.



You've done a lot for him, but if he's not willing to get help, then there's nothing else you can really do. I mean yes, you can be a friend and offer support through listening to his concerns, but if he's not willing to make an effort and seek professional help, then nothing is going to change. In the past, when you were just friends, how did he deal with issues, whether it's personal, work, etc? Did he tackle them head on, bury them and hope they'd go away, make excuses, or what? Like you mentioned earlier, you're emotionally drained, and it seems like the best thing for you and your child is to take care of yourself and focus on getting healthy.



If you want to continue your relationship with him, then there is the option of living separately. This will allow the both of you to de-stress in your own time and not get on each other's nerves as easily. This may even help your son's emotional well-being as he can already sense your boyfriend's attitude. Ultimately, if your boyfriend chooses not to resolve the issues he's currently experiencing, whether you're living together or apart, then it will be very difficult for the relationship to progress any further.

Hope that was somewhat helpful. BTW, yay for Spirited Away!

There is a difference between infatuation and love. When a relationship is new, it is easy to overlook certain things because of the intense need to impress your new partner. When that fades away, people think they are falling out of love. My perspective is, that was never love, it was infatuation. My bf has AS. I have PTSD. Sometimes we do not understand each other at all. I get very confused by him. Sometimes he will say things like I am over emotional, but then other times he will say that I am more rational then him. A lot of the way he communicates is cryptic and confusing to me. But, I love him. I accept him as he is, and he accepts me as I am. We have arguments, we take breaks from talking, we resume our relationship as it is. It is not always easy. Sometimes I want to punch him in the privates!! I am sure he wants to do the same to me sometimes. But to us, love is a commitment and we have committed to a future together. We endure the hard times, and enjoy the good times we have together. That's all I really know about it.