What should I do? HELP!! !!

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Hello! I am new to this site. I am a non AS woman and I am married to a wonderful, amazing man who I highly suspect has AS. Im almost 95% sure of it. He struggles everyday with these things that make him feel different. He has a hard time communicating with me and this causes problems. I am a extrovert and he is an introvert. We just got married in October, and I knew there was a possibility he had AS way before I married him! Almost a year and I have done well with learning how to communicate with him.

I am wondering if I should tell him? I know we should go see a Dr, and that would be the ultimate result, but I know he wont right away if ever? If he knows that he is not the only one, and has a answer to why he is the way he is, i think it might make him feel more comfortable and then we both can tackle this together. Me knowing he might have this, and him not knowing makes me feel weird. Also i tell him everything, and I think it would beneift him. Or will he get upset and we end up breaking up for some reason?? Im scared to do this until I talk to some people who can give me some advice on this. Any and all input would be greatly appreciated!! ! Thank you!

Hmmm. This is a difficult question. You know your husband better than any of us do, so we can't gauge how he'd react as easily. I know a lot of people who were diagnosed late, and they all have varying reactions. Sometimes there's denial. Sometimes there's anger. Sometimes there's total and utter sadness. And sometimes they're happy because they finally have an answer for why things didn't come as naturally to them as it seemed to for other people. I was nine when I was diagnosed, I remember nothing, so I'll let later diagnosed aspies give their opinions.

Beyond that, though, there are benefits to being diagnosed. It means employers can't discriminate against him. It also means that he'll be eligible for services in the area.

And these forums are always here for you two, even if he never gets diagnosed.^^

Sorry I can't be more helpful. Good luck!

Ask him to do some online aspie quizzes. Just for fun. If he falls within a normal range, don't sweat it. Remember, it is by no means an evaluation, or diagnosis. I'm suprised you didn't mention it before you got married, if you had your suspicions.

Something to be aware of; some people find it very frustrating and intrusive to have a diagnosis thrust upon them. He could agree with the conclusions, yet still feel his privacy was invaded and a limiting label put on him.

It might be helpful to ask him if he thinks some of the common traits apply to him. And even if you think he is an extreme aspie, it may be best to open the door, but let him choose to go there or not. He might happily embrace the idea of it or he may resist, but pushing him toward a diagnosis might actually cause more harm than good.

I happily identify as aspie, but I came to this conclusion on my own terms. I saw how my behavior resembled people with autism long before I had ever heard about Asperger's syndrome. I've never been diagnosed, but I find Asperger's to be a good model of how I behave and related to other people. The concept is valuable to me because it helps me navigate the emotional landscape of the world outside my house. But I would not have been happy if someone had told me I had limits caused by how I relate to people.

There is a good chance that he is already aware that he may have asperger's syndrome. If you bring up the subject and he clearly doesn't want to pursue it, then it may be best to let it rest. But on the other hand, that doesn't mean that you can't address the issues without calling them by name. If he doesn't want to be labeled, you can still learn about this type of personality and do what you can to navigate the behavior without making an issue about what the constellation of behaviors is normally called.

thank you both for your response on this. You bring up valid points on this that no one wants to be pushed or thrust into something. I am trying to do this the best way I can, and I am trying my hardest not to say anything about it. But I have heard that if couples work together with it, that the results can be wonderful. I guess its selfish of me to feel this way, but I dont think its fair that I have to deal with this by myself. I have read so much on the subject, and could maybe suggest things to him that will help, but its hard without telling him where I got the information. And i feel like im betraying him, if I dont tel him what I have found. His mother told me they know, he was sent to doctors as a child and through his teenage years because of his behavior and things like that. No one could tell them back then what it was, and they just left it alone after that. His mother is the one that told me that he may have this after she did some research a couple years ago. I asked her if anyone has mentioned this to HIM?? She said no, and I think that is because he is very touchy, and has anger problems. My plan is not to TELL him he has this or anything like that, but to mention some of the problems we are having in our relationship are coming up on some of the AS sites and there are great solutions, and possible help with it. Just was wondering what people thought on this forum. Im hoping, no matter what the outcome is on me telling him or not, that I can still get some support here with people who understand and live with the same things.

Aside from his introversion and difficulty in communication, why else do you believe he is an Aspie?

It is a difficult thing to know what would be best to do. My only thought about it is not to approach it like you know he has this condition, but more along the lines that he may have a condition and see how he feels about investigating it (to find out if he does have a condition and what it might be).

Sometimes such things are difficult to take at first, but if you plant the seed and are patient, then he may come around to be curious about it himself.

But again, do not come across like a diagnosising doctor with your own theory. You don't have the experience or expertise. Be his interested partner.

Let me emphasize: my question wasn't meant as a criticism.

It's just that there's this notion that anyone who is introverted and shy, somehow, is an Aspie/is on the Autistic Spectrum.

Perhaps, you could research Asperger's Syndrome, and its impact upon relationships "just in case."

However, it's important to know that the guy's a person first, and an Aspie/Spectrumite, whatever secondly.

Hey Kraftiekortie,

Well its not just because he is shy and introverted. Here are the things that came out in bold letters in my head, as i was scanning the internet for solutions to the problems we are having.

1. He has absolutely NO Empathy...for anyone! I am not exagerating. He thinks "literally"...and i mean literal! He is simple and very smart, and when he is thinking things through, he is speaking in black and white. There is NO grey, NO "in this case" , NO taking into consideration anything else, but the logical answer. At first before we started having problems, I thought this was strange, but I was impressed how he thought. If everyone thought the way he did, and did the right and correct thing all the time...the world would be a better place. He does not consider the person or what they may be going through. And society as a whole is something he despises

2. He has rituals and he is set in his ways. If its disrupted or changed he gets really anxiety filled.

3. I cant touch him ...he is so sensitive and says it tickles to much....or whatever. He is highly sensitive to touch

4. Im a highly sexual person, and noticed that from the beginning he was not open like me. He never initiates and has a bewildered look on his face most the time. He is definately not comfortable with it, like he is out of his element.

5. He cant multi task at all...not one little bit. If someone is talking and the tv is on...he will only hear one of them. He gets frustrated when his job asks him to do more than one thing? But in this day and age, you cant just take on one task at a time....employers want you to multi task

6. He has 2 highly specialized interests and he is obsessed with them He puts any time that he has into these interests. They are not broad, more specialized. Carving stone and playing the native american flute.

7. He has extreme road rage, due to the fact that people dont use their turn signals, or give enough space between cars. He is constantly quoting the Illinois Rules of the Road manual while he is driving. And i cant talk when this is happening or he gets upset. i get upset if i talk and he wont listen because someone ahead of us is not using a turn signal?? Its crazy and it has been happening since day one. we have been together almost a year

8. He wont mingle or attempt going out in big social environments. He is quiet when we are with my family even. He is uncomfortable talking because he thinks everyone see's him as stupid, because he has no idea what to say

9. He does not get sarcasm?? Or my body language. I have a hard time turning him on, because when im trying to get him going, he is trying to understand the words im saying which may not be many...but cant pick up on the body language im portraying

10. He cant debate, or argue. He says he cant understand what is being said half the time.

11. Lots of OCD things that may be crossover issues. and if those things are changed, or not done the same every time he gets upset.

Other things are coming up, but I think he is slightly to mildly effected.

Toy Soldier,

Yes I agree, I will not be telling him i know ANYTHING, just that i am thinking he might want to read about some of the stuff i found. I think from how he has spoke to me before, that he would embrace knowing why he is like he is. I will put the ball in his court and let him do what he may with it. I love him unconditionally and will be there for him thru whatever he choses to do with it!

Seems like a "textbook" Aspie LOL...but, you never know. One really cannot tell until one sees the person "up close."

I'm glad you're not pushing the issue with him. He'd probably resent that.

I'm sorry you're not getting your "intimate" needs met. I'd be frustrated, too.

You should go into the Philosophy section, and read the threads there. It might offer you some more insight.

Explore the Site as a whole as well.

I'm a person on the Spectrum and "over-literal thinking" could irritate me as well.

I think it would help him, if he's not resistant, to meet many different kinds of people "out in the world."

Its a weird thing when you realize that you are autistic. Especially as an adult and coming up thinking you are "normal" and maybe just different in your ways and personality - for people are different from one another. That's one of the reasons you hear quite a few cautions. One's reaction can really vary, from denial, anger at the suggestion (ie. "I'm not crazy!"), depression, confusion... and also insight, clarity, relief (ie. There is a reason for all this!). And often probably a mix of reactions in a kind of sequence. It does not seem to follow a predictable pattern that I see however.

If he doesn't belive he has a problem, and doesn't need support, than he really does not have one. I suppose having him take silly quizzes may be a bad idea.

I came to the conclusion that there was really something wrong with me, and I am noticably different. I have issues that effect my job, and relationships. People never figured me out when I was young either. I just think they were lazy, and came up with an easy solution that didn't really make a whole lot of sence in order to suit their needs. Like I would grow out of it or something. Why else would a young boy always fall behind and be slow in school, count 13 F's on a final report card in 9th grade, not get put into any kind of special ed, because people thought I was smart, and let me go into 10th? Stuff like that.

After the last couple of jobs I lost do to serious complications I had beyond my control that no one else apparently had a problem with themselves (of course it was just me), and a lack of money, it forced me to look for answers myself. I had my suspicions about 18 years ago what was going on with me. I did alot of studying about PD's, and other complications like anxiety, cptsd, abuse, and neurological differences. It led me here. I took those silly quizzes, and many more, just to see what the heck. they all tell me I should get a psychological evaluation for autism. I know the direction I need to go from here. I need a formal diagnoses (money), so I can hopefully get a little support if I need it (I'm very stubborn, so I may not want to get support even if I need it), and I need to work on my little quirks. Some of them were very big ones before I actually knew what was going on with me. Places like this have been extremely helpful for me. I think I'm getting better with stuff? Alot of what you describe, only from the sound of it, I can definately relate to. I am much better hiding it, probably because I was always around alot of different people growing up. forever reminded of the things I should hide, do, and say differently. Some work, some do not.

If he thinks he is doing o.k., and doesn't have any real important issues that may jeopardize your relationship, or his career, he will be just fine. It sounds like you love him very much, and you know who you married

Hope that was not too much to read. I try not to do that most of the time.

Disagree. While a formal diagnosis is typically a bad idea if you cannot use it for something, knowing you are different and not alone is important. The key to improve is to understand you are different.

[/quote]If he thinks he is doing o.k., and doesn't have any real important issues that may jeopardize your relationship, or his career, he will be just fine. It sounds like you love him very much, and you know who you married Very Happy [quote]

He stuggles every day with this. He breaks down and says he always wondered why people dont understand him, why all his relationships have gone bad, why he could not get along with anyone. He thinks its HIM?? It really isnt...its the people around him who dont understand him. If he knew that he had this, and knew the tools to keep it under control, I know he would be a happier man!! ! He knows something is wrong, but his motivation to delve into it and check it out is not there....

He has to WANT to delve into it.

I believe this is very important as well: It's not that Aspies lack empathy (very few of them actually LACK empathy if any at all), it's that they might, at times, be awkward in expressing it.

Additionally, Aspie empathy is derived from, in relative terms, more of an experiential and intellectual source than "NT" empathy, which is derived from more of a instinctual and inborn source.

Why don't you bring up the topic of autism and AS and see how he reacts to it. You can say you were reading about it, heard about it from a friend, etc. I think a lot of people who may have ASD don't realize it because they generally are misinformed about what ASD actually is.

If it turns out he has very negative conceptions of autism, then springing the possible diagnosis may not go very well.