I am debating...

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...whether dating another Aspie would be a good thing for me or not. I know that many Aspies have issues with touch, rigidity, and asexuality. I don't have any of those issues.

I am neither hypo- nor hyper-sensitive to touch. I am flexible as to when to go eat or go to a movie. I am not the type of person who cannot be out past a given time. I don't have a self-imposed curfew. In fact, the only rule I have is that I have to watch the Simpsons and South Park. Not a problem--I can record those shows by setting the timer on my DVD recorder (except if a football game runs long and the Simpsons is delayed a few minutes, then I would have to record it manually--but that's only 7 or 8 days of the year).

As for asexuality, I am anything but asexual. My last relationship was with an Aspie, and at the beginning of the relationship, there was affection (like holding hands and tongue-kissing--there was no sex as she wanted to save herself until marriage). But later on, the affection was less and less. It was more damaging to the relationship than the fact that it was long-distance.

So, I am wondering if it is worth it to date another Aspie. Is it more likely to work out, or is it more likely to be a disaster?

Tim

Do you have somebody in mind?

seems Mr. Mark beat me to the question.

Do you indeed have anyone currently in mind.

I know that I've been esposing the views of non aspies as potential mates.

and I think my few rants may have done the job.

so hows it going Tim?

Seriously Tim, you can't stereotype aspies like this.

Also, I wouldn't go around with a preconceived notion of the "perfect girlfriend prototype" as I don't think finding someone you're compatible is something you can plan.

In addition, trying to "plan" a romantic relationship will just leave you frustrated. You have to be happy alone before you can be happy in a relationship. Seriously. When I was a freshman in high school I foolishly thought people needed a relationship to be happy. I only developed a successful relationship in high school once I realized I was perfectly complete on my own and I wasn't even looking for one.

You could actively seek a girlfriend for multiple years with no success. And then when you stop "looking" and decide to focus on being yourself, it just happens. Girls can tell the difference between the guy actively looking for a relationship and the guy who isn't just looking for a relationship for the sake of being in a relationship but is still open to the possibility if it is right.

Tim~

I think you go for anyone who makes you feel complete. We all have our strengths and our weaknesses. If you can find someone, whether they have AS or not, who can understand your quirks and help you with your weaknesses, that would be the best fit. Of course, we all have our quirk, so you would have to be understanding of their's as well. A good relationship is give and take in equal proportions.

You also have to understand that a relationship is not always going to be full of fire and passion. It will be that way at first, by after while things will mellow out a bit. Of course, a relationship should never be cold and bitter. If you're experiencing cold and bitter in the dating phase of a relationship, you need to reconsider the relationship.

Again,

Going into a relationship with the idea that it will somehow make you a complete person and fix all your problems will lead to disastrous codependency problems and disappointment. I also really doubt many people find clinginess attractive.

Tim,

I don't think Aspie/Aspie is a cure all. In fact, I think those relationships can present their own problems. It's best to find someone who has similar interests and values. You don't want to be constantly struggling to find common things to share or arguing over the way things are in the world or how money, etc. should be handled. You also need a good mix of security so that each person can do their own thing without the other feeling threatened. You do need to be well matched sexually as well (as in being able to meet each other's needs) or that will cause major issues over time. Really, you just need to find a good match in many areas of your life. The worst relationships are those where people keep trying to adjust themselves to the other person so they fit. I don't subscribe to the notion that you can fall in love with anyone or even most people, but if you start going to places where you meet people with the same interests, you will find a good match and go from there.

And being complimentary is not all bad as long as both do it. If she's your social eyes and ears, you can be the one who logically grounds her. There's nothing wrong with that as long as you are both bringing things to the relationship and you don't become overly dependent.

all's fair in love and war...

there are no rules...

so don't try to fit pegs into holes

If you have the opportunity, I think you should embrace it, and then of course report back to us!

I have touch issues but usually enjoyed being touched by my significant other. I also sometimes feel asexual but usually we could reach some agreement concerning sex (how often, in what way, etc.).

unless it feels good.

I suspect that all my relationships were with people fairly high on the spectrum though. Not necessarily diagnosible, but I just don't think that I've ever gotten close, either as a friend or a lover, to many people who aren't. Even the couple of very socialable friends I've had have shown some traits.

Alex~

That's not exactly what I meant. Boy, Disney can sure ruin a concept! What I mean when I say "complete" is that that person "compliments" who you are. For example, I hate going to the grocery store, but my husband doesn't care, so knowing this he willingly does all the shopping for us. Likewise, my husband's idea of taking care of the bills is to throw them in a drawer and forget about them...I on the other hand am OCD about getting them paid, so I take care of all the finances. We compliment each other and by taking up where the other one leaves off. Completeness has nothing to do at all with clinginess and physical touch. It's more of a feeling of being comfortable and satisfied with the wholeness of the relationship. My husband and I can spend the entire weekend together in the house doing separate things and hardly say a word to one another, but at the same time be completely content because we have the maturity to understand that we love each other and each of us is having fun in our own way. Then we'll shift focus and do something together and be happy that way as well. We just fit together...like a puzzle. I hope that helps you understand my post better.

To add to this, it's very important that you do not end up in a situation where both have such extreme views on the "right" way to do certain things that no compromise can be met. If both want to handle the bills and think only their way is correct, that will cause problems. Sometimes it's better to have these simple divisions where one doesn't mind and the other one either hates it or doesn't do it well. It just makes day-to-day life go smoother.

The flip side is that you cannot sit back and let someone do something that grates on you thinking that will get better because it won't. Best to talk about these things up front and deal with them. Going along to keep the peace often ends up in a war later one. Better to have a mini flare up than a supernova.

Of course, all this is sort of putting the cart before the horse.....our dear friend Tim here is just trying to decide who to "date." I'm guessing you must be fairly young, Tim. So, in that case, my best advice to you is to date lots of different people and have fun.

I hope you come to a valid conclusion very soon!

I don't have anyone in mind, just needing to know what to expect if I am with someone who has the issues I mentioned. I just need to know whether I should adjust my life to fit someone's boundaries, or if I should be with someone as flexible as me.

Tim

I apologize if I came across as stereotypical.

Tim